Father’s Day 2020

Father’s day 2020

I had a good father’s day despite being in pain. My sister made yummy shrimp scampi and my other sister made dessert. I haven’t had it yet. I probably will later when it comes upstairs. I don’t feel like going downstairs again. My back is bothering me big time and is spasming. I wanted to empty my recycles today but never got around to do it. I guess there is always tomorrow for this job. I also need to throw out my trash.

I need to change my sheets this week. It is overdue for changing. I just have been lazy trying to clear off my bed so I can change them. I have a clean set so soon as I strip the bed, I can get them on again. I just haven’t decided if I am going to use the same bedding or change it to different blankets. I usually do. I think I will. So now it is just a matter of clearing off the bed and then stripping it. I just hope I can do it on my own without help.

I weighed myself today and much to my surprise, I lost five pounds. Only twenty-five more to go. I wish I knew how I did it so I can do it again. I think eating cereal is one way of keeping the pounds off. I haven’t lost my appetite so this was just a matter of how many calories I ate during the day. I have been having at least two meals a day and no snacking in between.

It is still hot as fuck out. I don’t know when this heat wave is going to stop. I wish it would already. I was able to shower ok and even though I felt tired afterwards, I didn’t go to sleep. I am really tired now but I just took my night meds so hopefully I will sleep soon. I want to make sure I am up before 11 tomorrow so I can make coffee before therapy. I am going to ask my therapist a serious question and hope she doesn’t laugh at me. I am always afraid of her laughing at me because I feel stupid with my questions. I just hope she answers my question without asking another question with it. I rather her answer then ask a question rather than question then answer it. Reading Linehan’s memoir has helped solidify my resolve to ask this question even though I know it is stupid.

I am so tired. I am going to try and go to bed around 2100. I think I will cath myself then and then go to bed. If I am not really sleepy or too anxious to sleep, I will write in my journal or read the memoir book for a bit. I just hope I don’t get the overtireds because that will not be good and I won’t be able to sleep right away once I am at that point. I will take a melatonin and see if that helps. I had to take some Benadryl tonight because my sister made some food with ginger and I had some. She tells me this after I eat it. I swear sometimes I think she is trying to kill me. I am highly allergic to ginger.

Both ankles suck!

Both ankles suck!

I hardly got any sleep last night. Some of it was due to pain. I was talking to a friend via FB messenger last night and the stabbing pains began. Then I don’t remember what I did, if I got up and then went back to bed or what, but I slammed that side of my foot onto the mattress and I saw stars. Melatonin and Ativan had already begun to do their magic and I was so itching to get to sleep but how can you sleep when your ankle bone is being hammered and the joint space is being stabbed repeatedly??

I slept a light sleep. My alarm went off and I just shut it off. I turned over and got about an hour or two before I woke up again. It was around 10 or so. I decided to shower as I needed one. The T is making the chemistry of my sweat change and I am smelly. I don’t like this new smell. I came back to my room after showering without any mishaps. I then decided to put on the new brace I have so I could break it in. I wanted to try wearing it outside.

I had to do an errand for my mother so after killing some time on my phone, I got dressed. One thing that sucks with the brace is going downstairs is harder because it is restrictive. I loosened up the wrap around part and that made movement a little better. I grabbed the stuff I needed before going out and asked my mother if she needed anything before I descended down the stairs. She only needed the paper for Walgreens. OK. I went down and put my shoes on. I am glad the brace fits in my boot but I couldn’t zip them up as it was just too wide for them. I swear I am going to stretch out both boots between my AFO and this brace. I checked outside to see if I needed a scarf and got blasted with sunlight. I closed the door and put on my sunglasses, grabbed my jacket and backpack, then left. I did my mother’s errand and had like a good half hour, if not more, to wait for the bus to the Square. I decided to take the other bus and catch another bus. It would be the same time as I got to Starbucks around noon. I had my espresso and some egg bite things with Gruyere cheese and bacon. It was good and very filling.

I wrote in my journal for a bit, keeping an eye on the time. I wanted to listen to a Luke Bryan song and when I went into the album, the songs were missing. WTF. I had to download them again because Amazon music sucks! I listened to other songs as I wrote. I was kind of nervous meeting the social worker. I printed out the spreadsheets I use to help me finagle my finances. I was looking for her for help in trying to sort them out without being stressed. I wrote for a bit and had to take the brace off as I didn’t want to wear it the whole time I was out. My PT had told me not to wear it for more than 2 hours until it is broken in.

I got to the hospital early. I could have seen my friends in the lab but decided not to. I went to the building where the social worker’s office was. She wasn’t at my PCP’s office, thank god but it was still a walk around the place. I got to the coffee shop in the main aisle and was reminiscing about all the times I got my coffee there, while I continued to walk. I was about to enter a different building when I caught myself as it was not the way to where the social worker was. I laughed at myself at my mistake. I was still early and around 2 she called me in. We went over my bills and she asked what my bills were and what my income was. The way it is right now, I will have $1 after all is paid. This is only because I have to pay my cellphone in full this month or they will cut it off. I have no idea how I got behind in my bills. I just know I can’t spend $200 on groceries anymore. I just can’t afford it. I think a week before I get paid, I will start my list. There are things I buy all the time that are a good chunk of money, but that is only because Peapod jacks the price for being delivered, in addition to the delivery fee. Assholes. So anyways, she told me some ways I could save and some finance person that blogs about managing money I could get tips from. We discussed opening an account, but I am hesitant to do so. My savings money always seems to be my spending money after a while. I told some things I want to get but I can’t right now due to not having enough to do it. I left with some ideas I will try next month.

Going home, my heel flared up so walking was difficult. I missed the 313 bus at the Square and I didn’t feel like waiting for the 430 one. I took another bus and then another bus home. Took me an hour because the second bus was late. Neither foot or ankle were liking me much. I had to pee really bad so soon as I walked in the door, I went to my sister’s apartment to use the bathroom. I knew I wasn’t going to make it if I went to my bathroom. I then sorted the mail before going upstairs. I gave my mother her mail and then went up to my room to change. Because last week I didn’t eat right, I supposedly lost 10 pounds. I hope I keep it off but we’ll see. My mother made pork for dinner tonight. Yuck. I ate it but it was making me sick. I went upstairs again and my ankles were in mutiny. Sadly, both hurt in relatively the same areas. I took some ibuprofen, pain med, and Tylenol. I am so tired. I was going to read Harry but I am getting a headache from lack of sleep so I am just going to try and see if I can sleep before midnight. I got PT tomorrow and hope I don’t hurt all night like last week. I really missed going to Starbucks. Maybe I will go Thursday or so. My barber still needs his chili cornbread!

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

I’ve been having a bad flare the last few days. My mood has been awful. I emailed my psych last night with a meme about this dog that growls and then something happens and it appears to be smiling. That is how my ankle is. My ankle is all growling and barking in the wee hours of the morning but when I see the doctors, it is all nice and smiling.

My pain started around 5 pm. That wasn’t a good thing. I took some pain meds and when it really acted up after I had some dinner after I took my night meds, I decided to take some gabapentin with it. I really want some alcohol. I am tempted to have some honey whiskey. I have about maybe three shots left in the bottle, more if I cut to half a shot. I wanted to get another bottle when I got my mother some whiskey but shit, the price has gone up since I last bought it, and this was for a smaller bottle! I am starting to feel like drinking because the pain meds aren’t working and the alcohol just makes you don’t care. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking to ease my pain because that isn’t good.

I had this plan of recording a sentence or two on a daily basis what goes on in the day and how my pain was, what the barometric pressure was, things like that so I can track patterns if there are any. Especially as my mood stabilizer is lower. I had to decrease it again because I have been feeling crummy. My sodium is right where it was two weeks ago. One point below normal. I am still not sleeping or I am oversleeping. I don’t know how I am lately. I can’t be up during the day as I am really tired because I am not sleeping. I sleep during the day to catch up on sleep and then I can’t sleep at night because I slept all day. It is driving me nuts.

Yesterday, an author I don’t know but was with this publishing company that I am following on Twitter published her first memoir called “In the gray area of being suicidal.” I offered to review it. It was on Kindle for like 4 bucks so I bought it and read a few chapters. They are not getting a good review from me. It is so sugar coated I swear it was giving me diabetes. I had to take a break from it. I get the author was dealing with a grave subject but there was like no emotion at all. It was just words on a screen. I am not liking this book but I will read it and then review it. I have already told the company that it will not be a favorable review from me. If they choose not to accept a 5 star rating, fine. There are other places I can review the book.

And I am getting anxiety which can only mean that my flare is going to get worse. Lovely. I already took the max of my meds not even two hours ago. Guess will try an Ativan to calm me down before I flip the fuck out.

My new insurance card came. I have to sign up through a “portal” to get information, but I can’t do that until Jan 1st as I am a new member. UGH. I hope my therapist is somewhere on the list of providers so I can figure out what I am going to have as my copay. I know he is not in the network but not sure what tier he is on. So fucking confusing. And according to the HR information they sent out, I was under the assumption that this new plan was a Neighborhood Health Plan network but the card has Aetna, which is a fucking bastard when it comes to chronic health issues. I hope they don’t determine prescriptions or I am fucked. The whole thing is making me nervous. I need to stop spending because I still have one prescription to pay for in like 10 days. It is the first of what I will be paying for the year. A new medication, too. This is going to be fun budgeting meds and insurance again for the next 5 or 6 months. I am not sure what I am going to do if my mood starts to go haywire and I need to be on another mood stabilizer. Not sure what there is to try. I got a thing in the mail today about my retirement benefits and I had to laugh. Like WTF. They gave me a website to go to if I am no longer employed. Making the whole pay out in cash and then try to kill myself all that much easier, if I can do it. Because these flares if they don’t have better control, I am heading that way. Each flare has been worse than the last and have last longer than they did the last time. I am not liking this.

My sister is having a New Year’s Eve party. I asked her if she wanted me to make chicken wings. She said yes so I will be making them. The only problem is 1) our oven temp has been screwy lately and 2) my mother needs the oven because she will be making calzones. I have no idea what time the party is but the wings take at least 4 hours to cook, especially as there is so much more than what I normally make. I bought a new wing sauce that I will be using. It is a mango habanero sauce. Sounds sweet and hot! Hope it is good. I might make half using the other sauce I use. Someone else is making wings, too. Last year, they were gone in the blink of an eye. They were so good! I hope she also makes her macaroni and cheese. That is the bomb! But none of it will matter if my damn ankle pain is through the fucking roof. Nice way to ring in 2019 being bedridden. Fingers crossed it won’t happen.

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

Doing things, editing, and hurting because of doing things

So there has been a cookie recipe that I have been meaning to try but it needs fricken flaxseed meal and I haven’t had the chance to buy some. So I thought I would just make regular chocolate chip cookies and throw in some oats like the other recipe said to do as I love oats. I took out the butter and the chips. I made breakfast. Then I put my jacket, hat, and scarf in the wash. I wrapped a Christmas gift with the guidance of my mother as I SUCK at wrapping. I put my Powerade bottles in recycled bags so they would be easier to transport to my room. My back was killing me. I then went up to my room to edit my book. I have no idea what the fuck I did but I reached for something on my bed and my back didn’t like it. Now the skin where it hurt is very sensitive to the touch.

I got a good chunk of my editing done. While I was reading my book, I was feeling all these emotions, mostly sadness. I was also thinking of a better blurb for the back of the book and wrote a quick paragraph while I was taking a break in between stories. I can’t believe I wrote about my abuse history with my father in this book and the sexual abuse of the cousin even though I didn’t name him. I still can’t believe how powerful my writing is and it amazes me. I had to put some kind of notation at the beginning in case this triggered someone and gave some crisis numbers just in case. When I published this two years ago, I honestly didn’t think I wrote about suicide, but I did and a lot about depression so I felt I had to include that just in case. I really don’t want to be sued over someone who reads my book and then does something. I wrote a lot about my former therapist and how she was. I haven’t come across the story about trees and roots which is about my therapist and psychiatrist keeping me here. I am not sure if I took the story out or not. There are a few errors as I go along but mostly it is my use of the wrong word or saying no instead of not. Not huge things. I am changing things around, small things, not big ones. It is kind of draining me because the emotions are so high at times.

I went back to the kitchen for some ice cream and when I was finished, my foot started acting up. I was supposed to make supper for my mother and I. Now I regretted it. I took a breakthrough med and I wanted to take a Neurontin but it was way too early to. I would be a zombie and I don’t think I would be able to try and finish the editing. I have about 20 pages left or so. Going to try and finish tonight. But pain is being a damn bitch so who knows.