Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18
I’ve been having a bad flare the last few days. My mood has been awful. I emailed my psych last night with a meme about this dog that growls and then something happens and it appears to be smiling. That is how my ankle is. My ankle is all growling and barking in the wee hours of the morning but when I see the doctors, it is all nice and smiling.
My pain started around 5 pm. That wasn’t a good thing. I took some pain meds and when it really acted up after I had some dinner after I took my night meds, I decided to take some gabapentin with it. I really want some alcohol. I am tempted to have some honey whiskey. I have about maybe three shots left in the bottle, more if I cut to half a shot. I wanted to get another bottle when I got my mother some whiskey but shit, the price has gone up since I last bought it, and this was for a smaller bottle! I am starting to feel like drinking because the pain meds aren’t working and the alcohol just makes you don’t care. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking to ease my pain because that isn’t good.
I had this plan of recording a sentence or two on a daily basis what goes on in the day and how my pain was, what the barometric pressure was, things like that so I can track patterns if there are any. Especially as my mood stabilizer is lower. I had to decrease it again because I have been feeling crummy. My sodium is right where it was two weeks ago. One point below normal. I am still not sleeping or I am oversleeping. I don’t know how I am lately. I can’t be up during the day as I am really tired because I am not sleeping. I sleep during the day to catch up on sleep and then I can’t sleep at night because I slept all day. It is driving me nuts.
Yesterday, an author I don’t know but was with this publishing company that I am following on Twitter published her first memoir called “In the gray area of being suicidal.” I offered to review it. It was on Kindle for like 4 bucks so I bought it and read a few chapters. They are not getting a good review from me. It is so sugar coated I swear it was giving me diabetes. I had to take a break from it. I get the author was dealing with a grave subject but there was like no emotion at all. It was just words on a screen. I am not liking this book but I will read it and then review it. I have already told the company that it will not be a favorable review from me. If they choose not to accept a 5 star rating, fine. There are other places I can review the book.
And I am getting anxiety which can only mean that my flare is going to get worse. Lovely. I already took the max of my meds not even two hours ago. Guess will try an Ativan to calm me down before I flip the fuck out.
My new insurance card came. I have to sign up through a “portal” to get information, but I can’t do that until Jan 1st as I am a new member. UGH. I hope my therapist is somewhere on the list of providers so I can figure out what I am going to have as my copay. I know he is not in the network but not sure what tier he is on. So fucking confusing. And according to the HR information they sent out, I was under the assumption that this new plan was a Neighborhood Health Plan network but the card has Aetna, which is a fucking bastard when it comes to chronic health issues. I hope they don’t determine prescriptions or I am fucked. The whole thing is making me nervous. I need to stop spending because I still have one prescription to pay for in like 10 days. It is the first of what I will be paying for the year. A new medication, too. This is going to be fun budgeting meds and insurance again for the next 5 or 6 months. I am not sure what I am going to do if my mood starts to go haywire and I need to be on another mood stabilizer. Not sure what there is to try. I got a thing in the mail today about my retirement benefits and I had to laugh. Like WTF. They gave me a website to go to if I am no longer employed. Making the whole pay out in cash and then try to kill myself all that much easier, if I can do it. Because these flares if they don’t have better control, I am heading that way. Each flare has been worse than the last and have last longer than they did the last time. I am not liking this.
My sister is having a New Year’s Eve party. I asked her if she wanted me to make chicken wings. She said yes so I will be making them. The only problem is 1) our oven temp has been screwy lately and 2) my mother needs the oven because she will be making calzones. I have no idea what time the party is but the wings take at least 4 hours to cook, especially as there is so much more than what I normally make. I bought a new wing sauce that I will be using. It is a mango habanero sauce. Sounds sweet and hot! Hope it is good. I might make half using the other sauce I use. Someone else is making wings, too. Last year, they were gone in the blink of an eye. They were so good! I hope she also makes her macaroni and cheese. That is the bomb! But none of it will matter if my damn ankle pain is through the fucking roof. Nice way to ring in 2019 being bedridden. Fingers crossed it won’t happen.