19 Aug 18

19 Aug 18

I have been having a bad day. Started with my sister calling me asking about my mother. She called and didn’t get an answer. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I am tired of doing this. I am a light sleeper, if something happened, I would have heard it and I would have called HER. Sure enough, I go downstairs and my mother is in the bathroom. The poor woman can’t shit in peace! I sent a text saying so to my sister and she says not to give her an attitude. Fuck you.

I am so damn mad. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I am too pissed off to sleep. I decided to make some bacon. I put away the dishes my mother took out of the dishwasher. I asked her if she wanted coffee and she did. I made her and myself a cup. After I did a few things in the kitchen, my mother was lying on the bed, going for the nap. The phone was furthest from her so I put it so she could reach it and then made a comment about how people freak out if they can’t get in touch with you. She told me to calm down. Really?? She isn’t the only person in this household disabled. I am getting tired of it.

I went upstairs so upset that I just cried. Then I took an Ativan to “calm down”. I am seriously thinking of going back in the hospital and let them fend for themselves without me here. I really hate that my mother didn’t validate me. My sister thinks I am giving her an attitude. I am so damn stressed my pain is ridiculous. I don’t need this shit. Last night pain was so damn bad, again, I didn’t sleep and was once again contemplating killing myself. It was after midnight so who was I going to call or do?

I am dreading tomorrow. I got to get up early and make myself something to eat. I got to make sure my mother eats something before we leave so her sugar doesn’t crash. I am also bringing juice and crackers just in case. I rather be over prepared than left taking her to the ER for hypo. The weather is supposed to be night. In the 70s. I am glad the humidity is gone. For the first time I have the AC off and I was cold so had to wear a long sleeved shirt. I hope things go smoothly. The only thing I am afraid of is her getting stuck on the stairs when we get home. But I will worry about that when it happens.

I shaved my head tonight but think I took too much off the back so now it is uneven. Money is going to be tight this month so I won’t be able to see my barber until the day before the wedding. Hopefully the top will grow so I have something to spike. The next day I will be going to a concert. It is going to be a busy week. I hope I don’t have flares, but I know I will as the dickhead pain doc won’t increase my meds. I should have wrote down what I planned on telling him but I will read his shit article and see if that drives up something. I see another doctor this week for the pain program. If I am lucky, maybe he will take over as my pain doc and be more compassionate.