unable to sleep due to anxiety

Unable to sleep due to anxiety

I have been feeling anxious the past few hours. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, which probably wasn’t the brightest idea as I usually take 1 mg. I started writing in my journal about why I was anxious, mostly because of my upcoming appointment with the therapist. I just don’t know if this is the start of twice a week sessions or just a one time thing of meeting twice a week. I am hoping to get out of Wed session but won’t know of that till Monday. Ugh. I don’t know why I am nervous other than the fact I don’t want to be cornered into sessions. I still am highly suicidal so on the one hand, it will be good to have therapy twice a week but on the other, I want to die so I don’t want to meet twice a week, hence the anxiety.

I have four appointments this week that are stressing me out. Three are mental health related and the other is for uro. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if I can talk openly about how this self cathing thing is making me feel. It is making me feel more disabled because I am falling apart physically and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I got to keep track of when was the last time I went pee all the time and the thought of putting on a timer or alarm to cath or try to pee just doesn’t appeal to me. So I am just drinking less than I normally would just so I don’t have to pee more than I should. I hate being in this place. This whole thing also has made the constipation worse. I really think because I am not using the muscles to empty my bladder which are the same muscles to have a bowel movement, my bowels have decided not to move so much, even with taking laxatives and stuff. I just can’t deal. No one understands and I don’t even know who to talk to about it. Just makes me feel more suicidal.

This salivary gland thing is not getting better like I thought it was. There is this pressure on my throat from the swelling. It’s not painful, just uncomfortable. I look like a pelican as I have a pouch of swelling under my jaw. It is making the muscles tense and it is so hard to relax. I guess I should take some more Ativan just to relax the muscles so I could possibly sleep tonight. I just emptied my bladder, which wasn’t much in there like I thought there would be. Hopefully I can sleep through the night because I really don’t want to be up all night like last night.

DDDAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!!! I am so happy the Snakes choked again. The Houston Astros are going to the World Series with the Washington Nationals. I am rooting for the Nats to win the Series. This is the first time ever they have made it to the Series. I partly stayed up to see who would win as the top of the 9th, the snakes tied the ballgame. I was so happy the Astros won the bottom of the 9th with a homerun.

In addition to the four appointments I have this week, I also need to make four phone calls. One is to the uro’s office to make sure I have the right office I am going to. I got to ask the uro about why she wants me to see an occupational therapist. She told me she would refer me but I am not sure why I have to see one. Maybe when I tell her I have the hang of it, I won’t have to. I am sure it is up to me but other than them giving me tips on how to carry the stuff, I don’t think they can be of help unless they can suddenly let me grow a third hand. The other one I need to make is for my food stamps. I need to find out if paying for private insurance can count as an expense so I can increase the money I get per month. I am disabled so I might be able to have this new medical expense with the catheters on too as it’s like $50/mo for it.

My suicidal mood is up to planning a date again sometime soon. I can’t help but think about it because it just is what I want to fucking do. I don’t want to live to see my next birthday. My rebirthday is coming up next week. It will be two years living as G legally. I really love it and wish the rest of my transition could go through but unfortunately it can’t right now because of this fucking construction business. I found out a few weeks ago, it isn’t happening till April. Well, that is all well and good as I will be fucking gone by then. I don’t want to live to see my 44th birthday. I just don’t. I can’t stand living this way anymore, between being in pain every fucking day, being depressed, and now medically falling apart…it is just too much.

heartbreaking day

Heartbreaking day

I left my house a half hour earlier than I wanted to because I just couldn’t sit around waiting for the bus after I shaved and brushed my teeth. I won’t be shaving the sides and back of my head anymore as I fucked up the back and sides top hair. The razor got too close. So now I will let it grow out. I might let my facial hair grow to, though my mustache is taking forever right now. I wanted to get my eyeglasses today.

I got to Boston around 1 and by 130 I was done. I only bought sunglasses as that was a priority. I was then told my insurance only covered one pair of glasses per year. Fuck. That would mean my glasses would be out of pocket and run at least $300 minimum. I might have to use the online sites to get them. I can usually get them for around $80 or so. I think I am going to try another place than the one I used before, only because the glasses need to be adjusted, though I don’t know what my pupil distance is. I don’t know if I still have the measurements from the last time I ordered. Will have to look.

I then went to the hospital and had something to eat at the café. I already had my Starbucks and didn’t need more caffeine. After eating, I pulled out my journal to write as I had an hour to kill before my pcp appointment. About twenty minutes later I get a phone call with the hospital number. I answer and it’s the psych department wanting to schedule an appointment with the new psych. I swear my heart took a dive and stayed there the rest of the afternoon. I almost lost it after setting up the appointment. I had to see my pcp in like twenty minutes and I couldn’t have an ugly cry breakdown. I stuffed the feelings and then got anxiety really bad. I think my heart rate dropped because after walking to the office and going up some stairs by heartrate was only 65. It should have been higher. My pcp and I talked about pain meds and he wanted to change it to something else, but he didn’t know how to do it. He is going to send me to a pain clinic west of Boston where I see my neurologist. He asked if this was okay and at the time I agreed. I got my meds refilled and then set up another appointment to see him in a few months.

As I was walking to the train station, the anxiety got worse. I didn’t have my meds on me as I didn’t wear the jeans shorts. It was too hot out. I listened to music, I didn’t care what kind at that point; nothing was going to calm me down. I got to the Square to wait for the bus home when it grew dark. T-storms were going to happen and I was going to get caught in it. Sure enough by the time the bus got to the main road where I get off at my stop, the skies opened up. The downpour was sort of refreshing but freaking cold. It came down so hard and fast streets were flooded. I must have walk into at least half a foot of water as my street is at the end of a hill. It was fun walking in the rain but at the same time, not so great for my ankle as it was kind of unsteady with water in my shoe with the AFO and the other’s laces untied. I was completely soaked by the time I got home. I was glad my niece was home as I asked her for a towel to dry off some before heading upstairs. We have ceramic tile floors and I didn’t want to go flying. I am glad my sister was home to get me a change of clothes. I dried off and then put my wet clothes in the dryer. I then got to my room to turn the AC on because even though I dried off, I was sweating a lot. The temp dropped 20 degrees but the humidity went up to 83%. After I cooled a little, I went back downstairs to put my sneakers in the dryer and get my portable charger out of the bag so the wetness didn’t ruin it. I had to charge it anyway.

With all the ruckus of the storm, my anxiety went away but it came back like an hour later. My heart rate was in the 70s so that was good. I thought it might be because I was hungry so had a protein bar. My ankle acted up so I didn’t want to go downstairs. I was kind of hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I didn’t want to cook anything. I still had the breakfast burritos but didn’t feel like having one. Those were for my really bad days. I had some pita chips and called it a meal. By the time I came back to my room, the pain had gone up considerably. I became suicidal instantly and finally made up my mind about it. I had always given myself dates that were a long time away and I had enough. So I may or may not go through with it soon. Guess it will all depend on how I feel that day and where I do want to end it. I am trying to stay so I can see my psych again but I just can’t anymore. The pain is too great and from what I read about the medication my pcp wants to try me on, I just can’t deal with both physical and mental pain at the same time. My heart is broken since I said a temporary goodbye with my psych and I hate having to continue my care at the place she was forced out of. I met her when I was a teen so she is a child psychiatrist. The new psych specializes in geriatric psychiatry. I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. I emailed my psych this but didn’t get a response. Also emailed her about what my pcp wants to do with my pain management, which isn’t going to be anytime soon. After 28 years of dealing with my mental illness, I have to call it quits. Monday I had to go to the ER to rule out cauda equina again because of my bladder issues and severe back pain. My degenerative disc disease has gone from mild to moderate and nothing can be done about it. So in addition to being in pain in one shape or other, what the fuck do I have to live for and why?

drunk me

Drunk me

This song has been in my head all fricken day. I haven’t heard it in a few weeks but damn these songs. The song is by Mitchell Tenpenny and called Drunk Me. Song just has been going around and around my head so I am sharing it.

I went out with friends today. I was kind of weary about it because I didn’t sleep really well last night. I don’t think I will be taking melatonin anymore. I seem to sleep every two hours when I take it. It just doesn’t seem to work like it did. I was able to get a solid 4-5 hours when I went back to sleep around 0630. I had a worrisome night while I was up from 0100 to the time I went to sleep around 0630. I figured as I couldn’t sleep, I would play on my laptop. I went to get up and sort of felt like water shooting out of me. I got the laptop and soon as I sat up, I had to pee. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear was wet so that water was obviously pee. I have never lost control like that, ever. Throw in the really bad back pain I had Friday and I was starting to worry one of my discs was going. I still have a sore back. It isn’t painful unless I press on it but I still feel the soreness. I have been fretting all day. I emailed my psych. I had to because she is the one person I can talk to about this, in greater detail, to vent off my feelings. This has set off my PTSD big time. I am really anxious, having thoughts/memories intrude, thinking I should contact my neurosurgeon, how I was in the hosp, all of it is flooding back and I am ready to lose my shit. I really, really hope it is just muscle but just for a peace of mind, I want my PCP to order a lumbar MRI with contrast. I really hope cauda equina syndrome (CES) isn’t happening. This is what went on when I got it the second time.

I am trying to think of how I am going to relate this to my pcp. I got to discuss with him my breakthrough meds. I think I need an increase in number of pills a day as what I am taking isn’t always working out for me. There are days I don’t need it or I just need one pill but lately, unless I am in bed the whole fucking day, I need something for pain while doing things. Otherwise, I can’t move, at all. The second thing will be my back thing. I am so nervous but luckily my doc is a calm person who I can talk to. He is very caring and I really like that about him. He has been receptive to what I say to him. I am hoping he can order the MRI without any problems. I really don’t think PT will help me if a disc is compressing a nerve root or something. God just talking about this is giving me an anxiety attack. I gave myself one earlier today, one in which I nearly thought of going to the ER after I had dinner with my friends. But I knew that the ER would go by the book and not take pieces of CES as being CES. The one thing I don’t know about my PCP is his knowledge of this syndrome. I can educate but dammit, I am so tired of doing so. I feel like every doctor/nurse I see I have to tell them what I have and what is affected and how. Which is why I didn’t go to the ER today.

I just messaged my psych as I need a voice of reason right now, and someone that understands what I am going through. I have my support group, who are phenomenal but I need a voice who will calm me down. I hate being this anxious. And having these symptoms of PTSD is not helping matters either. I used to know how to calm myself when I got triggered and such but have forgotten as it has been so damn long. Everything happening at once is going to kill me. And I know if I have CESx3, I am dead. I won’t go through with surgery just to be around family that doesn’t want to help me out or just do things their way without my input. God it will take all I have to get through tonight with my crazy thoughts. My psych said to call her tomorrow so I will when I get home after my eye appointment.

Just when I think…

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…