drunk me

Drunk me

This song has been in my head all fricken day. I haven’t heard it in a few weeks but damn these songs. The song is by Mitchell Tenpenny and called Drunk Me. Song just has been going around and around my head so I am sharing it.

I went out with friends today. I was kind of weary about it because I didn’t sleep really well last night. I don’t think I will be taking melatonin anymore. I seem to sleep every two hours when I take it. It just doesn’t seem to work like it did. I was able to get a solid 4-5 hours when I went back to sleep around 0630. I had a worrisome night while I was up from 0100 to the time I went to sleep around 0630. I figured as I couldn’t sleep, I would play on my laptop. I went to get up and sort of felt like water shooting out of me. I got the laptop and soon as I sat up, I had to pee. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear was wet so that water was obviously pee. I have never lost control like that, ever. Throw in the really bad back pain I had Friday and I was starting to worry one of my discs was going. I still have a sore back. It isn’t painful unless I press on it but I still feel the soreness. I have been fretting all day. I emailed my psych. I had to because she is the one person I can talk to about this, in greater detail, to vent off my feelings. This has set off my PTSD big time. I am really anxious, having thoughts/memories intrude, thinking I should contact my neurosurgeon, how I was in the hosp, all of it is flooding back and I am ready to lose my shit. I really, really hope it is just muscle but just for a peace of mind, I want my PCP to order a lumbar MRI with contrast. I really hope cauda equina syndrome (CES) isn’t happening. This is what went on when I got it the second time.

I am trying to think of how I am going to relate this to my pcp. I got to discuss with him my breakthrough meds. I think I need an increase in number of pills a day as what I am taking isn’t always working out for me. There are days I don’t need it or I just need one pill but lately, unless I am in bed the whole fucking day, I need something for pain while doing things. Otherwise, I can’t move, at all. The second thing will be my back thing. I am so nervous but luckily my doc is a calm person who I can talk to. He is very caring and I really like that about him. He has been receptive to what I say to him. I am hoping he can order the MRI without any problems. I really don’t think PT will help me if a disc is compressing a nerve root or something. God just talking about this is giving me an anxiety attack. I gave myself one earlier today, one in which I nearly thought of going to the ER after I had dinner with my friends. But I knew that the ER would go by the book and not take pieces of CES as being CES. The one thing I don’t know about my PCP is his knowledge of this syndrome. I can educate but dammit, I am so tired of doing so. I feel like every doctor/nurse I see I have to tell them what I have and what is affected and how. Which is why I didn’t go to the ER today.

I just messaged my psych as I need a voice of reason right now, and someone that understands what I am going through. I have my support group, who are phenomenal but I need a voice who will calm me down. I hate being this anxious. And having these symptoms of PTSD is not helping matters either. I used to know how to calm myself when I got triggered and such but have forgotten as it has been so damn long. Everything happening at once is going to kill me. And I know if I have CESx3, I am dead. I won’t go through with surgery just to be around family that doesn’t want to help me out or just do things their way without my input. God it will take all I have to get through tonight with my crazy thoughts. My psych said to call her tomorrow so I will when I get home after my eye appointment.

Just when I think…

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

I’m a duck

I had a difficult sleep, not falling asleep till 5ish. I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm and just laid there until it went off. I felt like shit but got up. As I was walking to the bathroom, I got the dry heaves. There goes brushing my teeth. I used the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, the heaves got worse. Phlegm at the back at my throat wouldn’t go up or down and it was gagging me. I got sick and then felt a little better. I had some queasiness in my stomach so took a Zofran. I got dressed and then headed to the bus stop.

I figured having a breakfast sandwich might settle my stomach, but I wasn’t so sure about the espresso so I just had 4 shots. The Zofran worked and the queasiness went away. I still wanted my bed but I had to see my therapist. I wrote for a while, not writing much. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I left Starbucks a little after 1 to catch the train to my therapist’s office. As I was crossing the street, I bumped into a former lab coworker. We talked for a bit. It was so good seeing him. I told him I had to run but it was good seeing him. I went to the train station and got off at my stop.

My therapist and I got caught up. He told me I was a duck. I asked what he meant and he said that above the surface, I looked like I was calm and collected but underneath, my feet were panicking trying to stay above water. He said that I was anxious. I said that I didn’t feel anxious and he said that is what I am noticing about you. I let that slide. It was a good session overall. Even though I had my doubts that he would work, it seems like he will. I am glad I stuck with him, even though there were plenty of times I wanted to end. Hell, in the first few months, I wanted to leave 5 minutes before our session started. Just run out on him. It has been 10 months in working with him. He is laid back, though I like that about him. It makes me more relaxed to be around him. I like that we are having more back to back conversations and I am not the only one talking the whole time, I mean, I do but it is followed by feedback, which was lacking the first few months.

After the session, I went to the butcher shop to get some ground beef. I want to make a chili cornbread casserole tomorrow for dinner. My check came in today so I ordered my groceries with the ingredients that I will need. I hope I have a decent sleep so I can make it. I don’t know if I am getting sick or not or if it is just being up all night that I feel so rotten. My brother in law has the stomach bug so I have been trying to avoid him so I don’t get sick.

I am really fatigued from being up all night. I hate when I am up past 3 am. Just feels like you did a double or something and trying to catch sleep that you never can catch. I do have to be a little more vigilant in taking my pain meds regularly. I was doing so good and then I kind of slacked and I think missing a dose here and there has caused me to feel unwell. It might have contributed to me feeling sick this morning.

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

I had a PTSD flare because of pain. It brought out anxiety. I tried to get a hold of a friend to talk to but she was not available. I paged my psychiatrist and we chatted for a bit. She said I am going through a lot and I am managing but she thinks the hospital would be better for me. Why, I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. It’s nothing more than a babysitting service.

I cried while I was on the phone with my psych. I couldn’t help it. I was so revved up with anxiety and I am not an anxious person. The pain was driving me mad and today being an anniversary day was just too much. I kept going through the red flags of CES, telling myself I didn’t have it but my brain just wouldn’t get it off it’s mind. No matter that I could walk, wiggle my toes, have control of my bowels and bladder, etc. it just wouldn’t calm the fuck down. The pain was really the trigger and I couldn’t go anything to bring the pain levels down. I had taken my meds but it would be a while for it to kick in. I told my psych this and she tried waiting with me about what to do to calm me down. She said to watch TV but I don’t watch TV. I read. So I read Huck Finn for a bit. I told her I was going to read 1984 but she said that might be too much. So Huck Finn it was.

I read four chapters of Huck Finn and then the anxiety went down a notch or three. I am feeling tired now. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow after my therapist appointment to let her know how it goes. I was going to email her but I think I will page her. Then we can talk about if I need to go to the hospital or not. I really want to see my psychiatrist on Friday so I really don’t want to go into the hospital on Thursday.

I have my bag packed but I think I might bring my suitcase with me instead of my backpack. It might be easier and then I will bring my backpack with me so I can bring my books and journal. It will also be less stress on my back. I will bring my Sox blanket with me. It comforts me when I am in the hospital.

I didn’t tell my psych that I had suicidal urges earlier this afternoon. She knows I don’t page her unless I am really in need to talk to someone and not having a therapist the last few months has really been a struggle. She says that I am managing well as I can be. It felt good to hear her say that. I know I should probably be in the hospital for supportive care but I really don’t want to go. I hate being in the hospital. I don’t sleep well. And I always have to ask for my meds when I am in pain. I have to be on their schedule, not mine. It sucks. And I won’t be able to get my strong pain pill should I need it. I am really sad about this. But this is a psych unit not a medical one.

My psych wants me at the hospital that I usually go to. I hope they have a bed. I am going to try and talk her into going in on Monday. That is when they have discharges and beds are more available. We’ll see. I hope it’s Monday but if she wants me in on Thursday, that will be okay too. I just need to pack a little faster than I need to.