drunk me

Drunk me

This song has been in my head all fricken day. I haven’t heard it in a few weeks but damn these songs. The song is by Mitchell Tenpenny and called Drunk Me. Song just has been going around and around my head so I am sharing it.

I went out with friends today. I was kind of weary about it because I didn’t sleep really well last night. I don’t think I will be taking melatonin anymore. I seem to sleep every two hours when I take it. It just doesn’t seem to work like it did. I was able to get a solid 4-5 hours when I went back to sleep around 0630. I had a worrisome night while I was up from 0100 to the time I went to sleep around 0630. I figured as I couldn’t sleep, I would play on my laptop. I went to get up and sort of felt like water shooting out of me. I got the laptop and soon as I sat up, I had to pee. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear was wet so that water was obviously pee. I have never lost control like that, ever. Throw in the really bad back pain I had Friday and I was starting to worry one of my discs was going. I still have a sore back. It isn’t painful unless I press on it but I still feel the soreness. I have been fretting all day. I emailed my psych. I had to because she is the one person I can talk to about this, in greater detail, to vent off my feelings. This has set off my PTSD big time. I am really anxious, having thoughts/memories intrude, thinking I should contact my neurosurgeon, how I was in the hosp, all of it is flooding back and I am ready to lose my shit. I really, really hope it is just muscle but just for a peace of mind, I want my PCP to order a lumbar MRI with contrast. I really hope cauda equina syndrome (CES) isn’t happening. This is what went on when I got it the second time.

I am trying to think of how I am going to relate this to my pcp. I got to discuss with him my breakthrough meds. I think I need an increase in number of pills a day as what I am taking isn’t always working out for me. There are days I don’t need it or I just need one pill but lately, unless I am in bed the whole fucking day, I need something for pain while doing things. Otherwise, I can’t move, at all. The second thing will be my back thing. I am so nervous but luckily my doc is a calm person who I can talk to. He is very caring and I really like that about him. He has been receptive to what I say to him. I am hoping he can order the MRI without any problems. I really don’t think PT will help me if a disc is compressing a nerve root or something. God just talking about this is giving me an anxiety attack. I gave myself one earlier today, one in which I nearly thought of going to the ER after I had dinner with my friends. But I knew that the ER would go by the book and not take pieces of CES as being CES. The one thing I don’t know about my PCP is his knowledge of this syndrome. I can educate but dammit, I am so tired of doing so. I feel like every doctor/nurse I see I have to tell them what I have and what is affected and how. Which is why I didn’t go to the ER today.

I just messaged my psych as I need a voice of reason right now, and someone that understands what I am going through. I have my support group, who are phenomenal but I need a voice who will calm me down. I hate being this anxious. And having these symptoms of PTSD is not helping matters either. I used to know how to calm myself when I got triggered and such but have forgotten as it has been so damn long. Everything happening at once is going to kill me. And I know if I have CESx3, I am dead. I won’t go through with surgery just to be around family that doesn’t want to help me out or just do things their way without my input. God it will take all I have to get through tonight with my crazy thoughts. My psych said to call her tomorrow so I will when I get home after my eye appointment.

any thoughts?

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