PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

I had a PTSD flare because of pain. It brought out anxiety. I tried to get a hold of a friend to talk to but she was not available. I paged my psychiatrist and we chatted for a bit. She said I am going through a lot and I am managing but she thinks the hospital would be better for me. Why, I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. It’s nothing more than a babysitting service.

I cried while I was on the phone with my psych. I couldn’t help it. I was so revved up with anxiety and I am not an anxious person. The pain was driving me mad and today being an anniversary day was just too much. I kept going through the red flags of CES, telling myself I didn’t have it but my brain just wouldn’t get it off it’s mind. No matter that I could walk, wiggle my toes, have control of my bowels and bladder, etc. it just wouldn’t calm the fuck down. The pain was really the trigger and I couldn’t go anything to bring the pain levels down. I had taken my meds but it would be a while for it to kick in. I told my psych this and she tried waiting with me about what to do to calm me down. She said to watch TV but I don’t watch TV. I read. So I read Huck Finn for a bit. I told her I was going to read 1984 but she said that might be too much. So Huck Finn it was.

I read four chapters of Huck Finn and then the anxiety went down a notch or three. I am feeling tired now. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow after my therapist appointment to let her know how it goes. I was going to email her but I think I will page her. Then we can talk about if I need to go to the hospital or not. I really want to see my psychiatrist on Friday so I really don’t want to go into the hospital on Thursday.

I have my bag packed but I think I might bring my suitcase with me instead of my backpack. It might be easier and then I will bring my backpack with me so I can bring my books and journal. It will also be less stress on my back. I will bring my Sox blanket with me. It comforts me when I am in the hospital.

I didn’t tell my psych that I had suicidal urges earlier this afternoon. She knows I don’t page her unless I am really in need to talk to someone and not having a therapist the last few months has really been a struggle. She says that I am managing well as I can be. It felt good to hear her say that. I know I should probably be in the hospital for supportive care but I really don’t want to go. I hate being in the hospital. I don’t sleep well. And I always have to ask for my meds when I am in pain. I have to be on their schedule, not mine. It sucks. And I won’t be able to get my strong pain pill should I need it. I am really sad about this. But this is a psych unit not a medical one.

My psych wants me at the hospital that I usually go to. I hope they have a bed. I am going to try and talk her into going in on Monday. That is when they have discharges and beds are more available. We’ll see. I hope it’s Monday but if she wants me in on Thursday, that will be okay too. I just need to pack a little faster than I need to.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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