So it ends…

So it ends…

I had my final session with my Bozo today. It was emotional for both of us. I didn’t think she was going to let it happen but she did and so we are done. After sixteen years and countless sessions. She said I have three file cabinet drawers. Makes sense. I wrote a lot over the years. I wrote her endless letters. Given her journals to hold. Books to read.

We talked a lot about the past and how we went through her different offices over the years. The good times and the shitty ones. I honestly don’t know who was more choked up her or me. I tried to hold it together. I still am trying to. It’s really hard to keep it together but I know if I fall apart, I probably won’t be able to pull myself together.

I meant to do some errands before my appointment but my ankle was bothering me. I woke up late and my sister said it was icy out so I stayed in. Then it warmed up to like 50 degrees so after therapy, I went to the post office and then to the store to get my half and half. Tomorrow is going to be a snow storm so I wanted to have it so I can make coffee. I then called my psychiatrist to check in with her. I told her what I pretty much just wrote about the session. I was sobbing by then and having a hard time controlling myself. She asked of I would be going to the hospital tomorrow and I said no. It will be a blizzard and I am not going out. Then she asked if I would come in tonight and I said no cause I haven’t packed a bag. I would be there all night and that would suck. Plus walking to the store did my ankle no favors. I see her Friday.

I’ll be getting my bears back. I am so sad at this. They have been a part of my therapist’s office for so long. My therapist took good care of them, like she did of me for so long. Until, well, I don’t know what happened. I still am trying to figure it out but I don’t think I ever will. I brought it up today and she gave me the song and dance about how I pointed things out to her in the blog that opened her eyes. Things that she couldn’t ignore. I keep replaying the last few months. We really didn’t have a therapeutic relationship as we just fought. Finally I said, let’s just end this and she was like okay. And today was the day we finally said goodbye.

4 thoughts on “So it ends…

  1. thanks. It hurts so much right now. I know it was mutual and all but it still hurts. I really think she just didn’t want to deal with my suicidality anymore and finally saw a way out.


  2. I am very sorry. The end of any relationship is painful. Especially when you don’t know why it is ending or you don’t want it to end. I wish you comfort and healing and hope that one day you might find peace and clarity.


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