I’m a duck

I had a difficult sleep, not falling asleep till 5ish. I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm and just laid there until it went off. I felt like shit but got up. As I was walking to the bathroom, I got the dry heaves. There goes brushing my teeth. I used the bathroom and as I was washing my hands, the heaves got worse. Phlegm at the back at my throat wouldn’t go up or down and it was gagging me. I got sick and then felt a little better. I had some queasiness in my stomach so took a Zofran. I got dressed and then headed to the bus stop.

I figured having a breakfast sandwich might settle my stomach, but I wasn’t so sure about the espresso so I just had 4 shots. The Zofran worked and the queasiness went away. I still wanted my bed but I had to see my therapist. I wrote for a while, not writing much. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I left Starbucks a little after 1 to catch the train to my therapist’s office. As I was crossing the street, I bumped into a former lab coworker. We talked for a bit. It was so good seeing him. I told him I had to run but it was good seeing him. I went to the train station and got off at my stop.

My therapist and I got caught up. He told me I was a duck. I asked what he meant and he said that above the surface, I looked like I was calm and collected but underneath, my feet were panicking trying to stay above water. He said that I was anxious. I said that I didn’t feel anxious and he said that is what I am noticing about you. I let that slide. It was a good session overall. Even though I had my doubts that he would work, it seems like he will. I am glad I stuck with him, even though there were plenty of times I wanted to end. Hell, in the first few months, I wanted to leave 5 minutes before our session started. Just run out on him. It has been 10 months in working with him. He is laid back, though I like that about him. It makes me more relaxed to be around him. I like that we are having more back to back conversations and I am not the only one talking the whole time, I mean, I do but it is followed by feedback, which was lacking the first few months.

After the session, I went to the butcher shop to get some ground beef. I want to make a chili cornbread casserole tomorrow for dinner. My check came in today so I ordered my groceries with the ingredients that I will need. I hope I have a decent sleep so I can make it. I don’t know if I am getting sick or not or if it is just being up all night that I feel so rotten. My brother in law has the stomach bug so I have been trying to avoid him so I don’t get sick.

I am really fatigued from being up all night. I hate when I am up past 3 am. Just feels like you did a double or something and trying to catch sleep that you never can catch. I do have to be a little more vigilant in taking my pain meds regularly. I was doing so good and then I kind of slacked and I think missing a dose here and there has caused me to feel unwell. It might have contributed to me feeling sick this morning.

any thoughts?

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