Anxiety surrounding death

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.

3 March 2016

3 March 2016

Dear Bozo,

I have seriously thought about therapy the last few days. I feel like I am a burden to you and that you will be better off without me in your life. It’s my fault I have not gotten better. I should be able to fix myself but for whatever reason, I am unable to. You have been a good listener, but I can tell you are tired of hearing me talk these days. I probably talk about the same things and it annoys you.

I know I am a boring person. I live in a bubble that is surrounded by trauma every where I turn, whether it be due to external circumstances (e.g., my father) or internal ones (e.g., my pain). I joined a PTSD chat the other night. I didn’t talk much, just observed what the conversation was about. One day I hope to tell my story, in pieces, but I am scared it will be too triggering. I went off the other day on Twitter with CES stuff because of pain. I didn’t talk about my bowels or bladder, just that pain had controlled me and always gives me anxiety when it reaches a certain notch. It’s not all the time I have anxiety due to pain. But I am always on edge because I don’t know if pain is going to cause it or not, so I am anxious about being anxious.

I have been struggling with the need for therapy the past week. Our relationship has been different than the other relationships that I have had, in regards to therapy. One, it has lasted longer than the others and two, I never really thought about leaving even though I have said I wanted to. When we had this discussion a few months ago, it really terrified me to think I was really going to lose you. Since then, our relationship has changed. And I quite don’t know if it is for better or for worse.

You talk about your anxiety of dealing with me sometimes gets in the way of our talk. Maybe it is for the better that I leave you. I hate causing you pain.

My psych hasn’t returned the email about setting up an appointment. I am in an “I don’t care mood” so will not pursue her. I really don’t care. I am just a burden to her as well. I am just too “weak” right now to deal. I feel I am a failure and she is tired of my bullshit, too. I have read the emails that I wrote. And who cares that I have lost my appetite and a few pounds. No one cares. It isn’t like I am skinny and need the pounds. It’s not like me to have physical symptoms of depression. I am waiting for the heartache to set in and finish me off. I thought about hanging myself tonight. I was feeling that bad. But I don’t have a beam to do it, least not in my room. I just want to be dead. It’s good I don’t own a pistol. I would be dead three times over already. I just have my pills. Maybe a 60 day dose of my blood pressure pill will do the job.

I know talking about killing myself sets you into anxious mode. I am sorry. It’s just the way that I feel.

worst nightmare came true

I went to my father’s appointment and was doing fine until the last leg home. The bastard wanted to be wheeled in a wheelchair so that added stress to my ankle. So by the time I was on my way home, my ankle was flaring. I am glad tomorrow I can rest. I am going to need it.

Other than the doctor’s appointment, I didn’t do anything else today. I woke up early and then fell back to sleep and woke up later than I wanted to. I made breakfast but didn’t finish it all. I made coffee and it was really good. I got to remember not to have a rounded scoop for the Pike and it comes out perfect.

I am feeling really tired. On the bus home, my worst nightmare came true: the front entrance was blocked with people and carriages. A lady came on with a huge stroller thing that should be classified as something other than a damn stroller and that was it. My anxiety went through the roof but I wasn’t at my stop yet. I ended up moving to the back of the bus. It was still crowded but less so. My chest hurt so much I was panicking so bad. I got off on the stop before mine and just walked the way home even though it was a bit longer. I had to get off the bus. There should be a limit as to how many strollers should be on the bus. A lady was already on board with a regular sized stroller and then the big one just clogged the bus. It’s not worth me having anxiety on my only means of transportation home and to go places. I would lodge a complaint but I know they will say they can’t do anything about it. But it should be up to the driver’s discretion who he/she lets on the bus for the safety of the other passengers. What if I wheelchaired person need to use the bus? They wouldn’t get on and it wasn’t right that two people with canes (myself and another person) had to move from our seats at the front of the bus because of this damn stroller and the other one.

I hate having to take an Ativan in the afternoon but I had no choice. My palpitations are still through the roof though it’s been at least fifteen minutes since I have been home. My mother is making dinner. I didn’t have lunch so that just makes the anxiety worse. I just wasn’t hungry to make lunch.

Nerve wracking day

Nerve Wracking Day

Just got off the phone with the SSD and my claim is still under review. They are waiting for my therapist to input their paperwork. So I just texted my therapist to check her mail. Now I got a nervous butterfly in my stomach. Only because I don’t know which address they may have sent it. I hope they sent it to the address I gave them and not on the web because those addresses are no longer current!

I spent the morning with my father for his appointment. We arrived 45 minutes early and we couldn’t enter the place until 0830. Every 5-10 minutes my father was looking at his watch. He was such a fink. The appointment went longer than expected. I just really wanted to get out of there. I didn’t have a book or my headphones with me so it was like time dragged on and on. Then I went to his apartment to fix his pills because I wasn’t going to go out again tomorrow. I am hurting really bad because I over exerted myself today.

My mother ordered a new refrigerator because our current one is not working properly. It is coming tomorrow and I need to empty the freezer and transfer the stuff to the basement freezer. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. I am glad it’s not overstocked but the basement freezer is not exactly empty either. I just hope that I can find room for everything. I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in before I start moving stuff. I also need a nap because I have been going since 0500 and haven’t really had a little downtime. I just had lunch a little while ago as I haven’t had anything to eat since 0530.

I really am annoyed that the person I spoke to from SSA didn’t really care what I was telling her. I just hope she sent my therapist’s paperwork to the right place. They got my other records from the hospital I go to, so I am happy about that. The only hold up is my therapist. Fuck. And I won’t find out till next Tuesday if she got the paperwork. I should have called before my appointment with her but I didn’t want to as I came home close to my time with her. At least I know I am getting somewhere with my claim, though it’s not really a claim but a review.

I decided to go back to reading “Evidenced-based practices in suicidology”. I was reading it this morning while I had my coffee. I must have read ten pages and was wondering where suicide fell in what they were talking about. They just gave a history of where evidence based practice came from and it just goes on. This is the worst book and it is so misleading. You really can’t judge a book by its cover!

I had therapy and we spent most of the time talking about how annoying my father was. We also talked about how annoying the voices are becoming. They are encroaching on everything lately. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything without some commentary going on. I know it’s only going to get worse in the upcoming weeks as I have to spend more time with my “lovely” father. I told her that I had to put off my physical therapy because of his stuff that is going on. I probably won’t be able to go through the course until the middle of February. Until then, I just have to muddle through like I have been doing. I did forget to tell her about my bladder accident yesterday and how it affected me. Oh well. I am kind of over it anyways.

About half way through our session, the pain meds kicked in. I really don’t remember what we talked about after. She wants me to get something to eat and rest. So I guess me going up and down stairs to the basement freezer is out. I am too tired to do that anyway. If I have energy later, I might do it. Course it is so cold out, I don’t understand why we can’t just put the stuff on the porch. Just wrap them up good in plastic bags and they should be ok.

Our mail is either really late or really early. Lately, we have been the latter and it is annoying because I am waiting for stuff to complete my loans stuff. I am getting more anxious about it as more time passes. My feet are bloody cold. Back to wearing thermal socks. I should just glue them to my feet because my feet have been so damn cold lately, even under blankets. It’s like no matter what I do, they are just cold and won’t warm up unless I have these socks on.