Anxiety surrounding death

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Anxiety surrounding death

  1. ambercrocker says:

    I am sorry that this is happening to you.

  2. I don’t know anyone who ever said that. It was the most difficult time of my life. So difficult that I shut down for a good 1 1/2 – 2 years (from diagnosis to nearly a year after her passing). I had no choice. Being caregiver even with help from dad was emotionally exhausting. That coupled with dealing with other family trouble now almost in her role, I didn’t have time to deal with my own feelings.

    My therapist says I experienced a lot of anticipatory grief before she passed. i didn’t cry at all during her treatment hospitalization or hospice/passing. I cried for maybe 5 minutes after the funeral mass in the limousine. And that was it. I couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable. Until 9 months later and the floodgates opened.

    Everyone experiences it differently. But even though I prayed for a quick and painless passing, and I was thankful her suffering was over, I would never say it was easy. It’s ok to be vulnerable and it’s ok to take care of yourself.

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    losing a parent must be so hard. and your right its true nobody prepares us for that happening. if you need to go to the hospital thats ok too. you’ve been strong for so long. your going through so much, i honestly dont know how you stayed out of hospital for so long. XXX

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