Bone pain and other things
Around 11, I was feeling tired so decided to nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but my mother woke me up to help her put on an ace bandage on her leg to help with swelling. I laid down and was okay for about 10-15 minutes. Then pain in my malleolus erupted severely. It hurt so bad I was crying. I couldn’t move to sit up to take pain meds, it was that bad. I waited for it to settle down, and it never did so I carefully moved to take my meds. I then emailed my neurologist to find out of this was CRPS related or if something else was going on. I then posted on my Facebook CRPS support group to see if anyone else had this kind of pain. I just wanted to die.
I got a few responses from the group saying they had experienced similar pains. After a while I started to get hungry but I still hurt and had no idea how I was going to make myself some lunch. I waited for my pain meds to kick in. After a while the pain subsided but didn’t go away completely. The bone was still very tender. I decided to wear the boot so I could keep pressure off it. But I had to stand in order to do so. I carefully stood and I was in pain but it was bearable. I got the backpack that had the boot and took it out. I put my foot in the boot but then another pain emerged. I made it down the stairs carefully and tried to let the boot do its job by not bearing weight.
I went to the kitchen and made an egg McMuffin. I had a soda with it because I didn’t feel like having juice. After I ate, I decided to see if there was mail. So I went down the stairs again. The mail hadn’t come yet. I went to my sisters to have some junk food. She had some chocolate covered nuts so I had some of those as well as some chips. Then I made it back up to my room. I still wanted a nap. I had an hour to kill before the state called me for an interview for food stamps. I was getting really sleepy. I set my timer for 45 mins and laid down, hoping my foot didn’t flare up again. About ten minutes in, my loud mouth aunt comes over. JFC, really?? I was so fucking pissed off. If she didn’t shut her mouth, I was going to shut it for her. Luckily she quieted down after a few minutes and I tried to nap. Before I knew it, the timer ran down and went off. UGH I didn’t want to get up. My loud mouth aunt was still visiting my mother and I had to go to the bathroom. Good thing I went because the hardware in the tank was running water. Guess that was why the water bill was high. I did my business after bringing this to my mother’s attention. My brother in law would have to fix it as I had no clue how the thing worked.
The place called at the appointed time and promptly, placed me on hold. Nice. I waited a few minutes and got connected to someone. I swear I was on the phone for 10 minutes after giving them a little information and then she said they would mail me out a letter of the documents they needed and I had to send them within 30 days. Complete waste of fucking time!! Why couldn’t they send me that in the two letters they sent me this week!!??? I was aggravated.
I wasn’t hungry as I felt pretty full off the junk food I ate. But I wanted something. My mother was cooking something so I went downstairs to see what it was. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a sandwich and was overfull. I shouldn’t have eaten it but oh well. Least I won’t be hungry later on. I wanted to make a cup of tea but didn’t feel like making it. I started my blog and my mother screamed my name. I hurried to see what she wanted. Someone was on the phone and she couldn’t hear what they were saying. I picked up the phone in her room and it was a telemarketer for windows. I told them I wasn’t interested and to take me off their list. The jerk hung up on me!! Bitch.
Going to have a glass of wine before I change my mind. My sister bought my mother my favorite kind of red wine and I have been craving a glass. I don’t have wine that often, if at all. I’ll probably have half a glass as that is usually plenty. Cheers!
Ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks
I woke up around 0430 because I had to pee. I struggled with whether or not to go back to sleep because I knew if I did, I would have a hard time waking up when my alarm went off at 7. I just laid in bed. I had taken some pain meds as my ankle was being a jerk but it wasn’t too bad. I finally gave up resting around 645 and got dressed to catch the 701 bus to the Square. I brought a light bag with me as I didn’t know if my messenger bag would be acceptable in the courthouse.
On the way to the courthouse, I had my bag on my foot. After a few stops, It didn’t like the bag and I was in a lot of pain. Great. The pain got worse as I got off at my stop and walked to the courthouse. I had a few anxiety attacks from the pain. I was literally shaking and having palpitations. I went to where I needed to go at the courthouse and paid my fee. The woman said it would take four weeks to process. Damn. I thought it was quicker than that. She said she will call me when it was time for me to come back.
I carefully went to the train station that was down the street, about half a block. I was hurting pretty bad and had no idea how I was going to get home. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for the train and bus home. I was limping as I got home and my ankle gave out on me as I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t going to do anything the rest of the day.
It was hot and humid today so I was sweating by the time I got up to my room. I must have been on my bed for about a half hour when my ankle bone flared up. I feel so depressed. I don’t know if I should keep my PT appt tomorrow or not. Going down or up the stairs is pure torture. I feel so hopeless right now. I just want to go under my covers and stay there permanently. To make me feel “better”, my mother said that she is not going to call me G. She is going to keep calling me my birth name. So much for her being okay with my name change. I just want to give up. I feel so weighed down and in so much physical pain that it’s like I am being crushed on all sides. Just kill me now. Why prolong the inevitable?
Next week I see my PCP and I am going to beg him to put me on a long acting pain med because every 5-6 hours sucks and if I don’t take it around the clock, I wake up in pain or I hurt worse for missing a dose. I’m done being a nice guy. He doesn’t, I will end my life. I don’t see what other choice there is. I can’t “live” like this anymore. My meds aren’t being totally effective anymore. I know I will NEVER be 100% pain free, but it has been so damn long since I was at say a 3 on a scale of 1-10.
I called the bitch coordinator that I met with on Friday to tell her I wasn’t interested in her group anymore. Her loss.
I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.
I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.
I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t.
I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.
I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.
The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.
Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.
As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.
My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!
Ankle has filed for divorce
I am thinking of renaming my blog, Ankle demons, as I seem to write more about my CRPS ankle than about my mood lately or being suicidal. Anyways, my brother in law took my old foam topper off my bed and I placed the new one on by myself. It wasn’t that hard but it took some spoons. I then put sheets on my bed which took more spoons. By the time I was done, I was hurting but there was still more I had to do.
I had two boxes that needed to go out to the recycle bin as tonight was trash night. I also took my dirty sheets down and washed them. I washed and dried my comforter. By the time I got back to my room and placed the comforter on my bed, my ankle filed divorce. It is hurting me so bad right now. I can’t even describe the pain. It’s blinding pain. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because it really won’t like going up and down stairs one more time. I am thinking of wearing a diaper but am scared it will leak through. I don’t think I can pee in a diaper anyways but the thought has crossed my mind.
While changing my pillow cases, I noticed some holes in my favorite pillow. The two pillows that have been on my bed have lasted through a lot of years. I think it’s time to get new pillows. I have to be careful though because I bought a nice “firm” pillow one time and it shrunk to nothing within a week. It became so flat I couldn’t sleep on it anymore. I might as well just sleep without one. That will be next month’s expense. I already went over my budget this month with buying new sheets and the topper.
I should be listening to the ball game going on but I am so damn tired and in so much pain that it’s just not happening. I am checking the score though. It was scoreless at the bottom of the 3rd. The new guy Sale is pitching. Hope he lives up to the hype people have been giving him. The Boston Bruins (hockey team) have made it to the playoffs. Normally I don’t give a shit but this means they have playoff games which in turn means the baseball game is switched to another channel. I hate that. It doesn’t matter if I am listening to the radio because the station won’t change but if I want to watch the game, I need to pay attention to the hockey schedule, which sucks because I am not a hockey fan. The only thing I know about hockey is they need to place the puck in the net. End of story. Don’t care about anything else in between.
I hope tomorrow I am not sore but I might be. I did way too much stair climbing today. The weird part is that I wasn’t that out of breath the twentieth time I came up to my room. Watch tomorrow I will be short of breath every single time. Some days are like that though. I don’t know why. I think it all depends on my being tired or not.
Been 72 hours since the pain in my left ankle started and the swelling has been intense. I have not been able to get the swelling down even a notch despite elevating it and putting ice on it. I have tried to rest but I get so antsy that I have to go downstairs to munch on something or to go to the bathroom. I hate going downstairs more than having to climb up. Going down I have to go one step at a time and because my proprioception (sense of sensing) is off I have to look at where my feet are before taking the next step or risk a fall down the stairs. I’ve been lucky so far as I have been able to catch my balance to avoid a fall but that is because I am holding the banister for dear life while I go down the 15 or so steps, one at a time like a little kid.
I remember I used to make fun of my childhood friend who went down the stairs one at a time, but that was back when we were kids. Now I’m an adult and don’t trust myself to go one foot over the other because my nerves are messed up due to Cauda Equina syndrome. It is a painful nerve condition that is caused most likely by prolapsed or herniated discs that affect the cauda equina (horse’s tail) bundle of nerves. These nerves are what controls all nerve and motor function below the waist. Because I was “lucky” enough to have this happen to me twice in 5 yrs, I am now left with permanent nerve damage in my left ankle/foot/leg, specifically, my peroneous muscles and tendons. These muscle and tendons are what causes my ankle/foot to go out to the left while walking. Because this is not normal walking, the muscle and tendons are constantly being inflamed by me pulling on them. They are not supposed to used while walking but I am forcing them to. Plus because I still have weakness in my ankle that does not help. This weakness when added to fatigue makes me walk worse.
Again the weakness was caused by CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome x 2. You never realize how much you take for walking for granted until it is taken away from you. I used to be able to walk miles without difficulty. Now I am lucky to go three blocks without pain. My life sucks. I hate not being able to walk for exercise or for traveling. Now instead of walking to the train station that is a mile away, I am forced to take a bus. I am grateful that I can get a seat most days and that I don’t have to stand on the bus because that just puts added pressure on my tendons.
Not too many people really care that I walk with an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) brace. Only small children will stare. Most adults won’t even notice. I went to my Aunt’s 90th birthday party a few months ago and though I was wearing my AFO, no one really said anything until I walked toward or away from them. But they are my family and love me anyway.
Because I had worked as a lab assistant, my job could not accommodate my restricted walking so now I am out of work. I am on disability. I feel like a sleeze bag because I can’t work anymore. It kills me to not have anything to do day in and day out. Most days I stay inside because I just don’t have the energy to go out, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Lately my time at home has been increased to the point that I might go out just to get a soda. Having to rely on the bus and bus schedules makes you regret having to go out. Sometimes the bus is on time and all is right with the world. Most of the time it is late. And it sucks having to stand and wait for it. Even though I can have a seat on the bus, there is no bench to sit on at most bus stops. And standing is truly what causes my leg pain to flair up. I take medication but only if I’m home. I stopped taking it when going out because it caused me to have dizzy spells and to feel out of it at times. Better to feel out of it at home than while out on the street.
And now it’s the day after I load myself up on meds to control the pain. I usually feel ok after I have a day of meds but sometimes all it talks is to go up and down a flight of stairs to aggravate my damn ankle/nerve injury. The “simple” act of going up and down stairs can be torture for me. People take it for granted until that sprained ankle or hurt knee is involved. Then they realize it is not as simple as one might think it to be.
So that is my chronicle for today. Thank you for reading.