Tag Archives: ankle pain

Foot is driving me nutso!!

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2100. My mother wasn’t up in her room yet. I called to see if she was ok as with the AC on, I can’t hear things. She was okay. Her sugars had stabilized.

I got a blog that I read and wished I didn’t. It was about the lesbian protests or something like that in London during the Pride parade. What gets me is that anytime transgender is mentioned, it is almost always having to do with transwomen. I know I cannot be the only transman in the world. I know one came out in the Navy. I know there is another fellow in Oregon. We talk occasionally. We can’t be the only ones out there. So why isn’t it out there?? I just feel alone and invisible.

Then I started talking about suicide and someone tried guilt tripping me. I call it what it is and they say it is on me. Really? I will be fucking dead. How will I know what will happen to my family?? Am I supposed to be a ghost or something? Pissed me off.

My foot felt like it was in a pressure cooker. Then it felt like it was being crushed. Now my big toe is hurting big time. I call uncle, except I don’t think it works. I found my very last breakthrough med. Tomorrow I got to call and have them change the order and make sure the count is so I can take more than 1 a day. Otherwise the pharmacy won’t fill it and I’ll chop my fucking ankle off.

I will need a shower tomorrow. I hate showering. I need to shave my head to keep it bald. Also need to do a touch up of shaving because I missed some spots. My foot isn’t going to be happy. Then I got PT. Oh joy. Yes the curative physical therapy to increase mobility. This is interesting as I haven’t moved my damned ankle in 17 fucking years. It is a fucking joke. Oh and the damn pain clinic refuses to use CRPS. I have left ankle/foot pain. Can I bring a bat to my next appt and clobber them over the head?? Not to kill them, just to knock some sense in them or make them read my damn medical record that says why I need prescription pain medication. Fucking assholes.

I am done trying to say to them what I need. I have a better chance of winning the lottery. My foot is screaming. It is too late for gaba. I need to be up early enough to call the assholes and hope it doesn’t take a week to change the order. I can’t believe I was stupid and didn’t read it before I left. Ugh. Live and learn I guess.

Maybe 300 mg of gaba to calm some of it down. My PT is going to be unhappy with me. I’ve only done home exercises about 3 times. I couldn’t do it the 1st two days after our last session because my thigh hurt too much. Thursday I did it. Friday I was off to asshole’s office. Saturday I slept all day. Today I was in a fuck it mood.ok so what is that just one time? Oops I can’t count. We’ll just say 3 times. I probably am not going to see her anymore anyway. I really don’t want to. I think it is pointless to see her for my ankle/foot. I saw her before and I was in too much pain. And without breakthrough meds, forget it. I am tired of working through the pain.

I have no life. Just doc appts. I can’t remember a day I went to the Square just for fun, to have my espresso and write. Hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe February when I was trying to write the story in my head. It is gone now. Why bother writing it when I am going to die soon?

Part of me is trying to hang around. But with every painful flare, it gets less and less. Just do it runs through my head. Someday soon. I hope. Just do it…

Just when I think…

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

bone pain and other things

Bone pain and other things

Around 11, I was feeling tired so decided to nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but my mother woke me up to help her put on an ace bandage on her leg to help with swelling. I laid down and was okay for about 10-15 minutes. Then pain in my malleolus erupted severely. It hurt so bad I was crying. I couldn’t move to sit up to take pain meds, it was that bad. I waited for it to settle down, and it never did so I carefully moved to take my meds. I then emailed my neurologist to find out of this was CRPS related or if something else was going on. I then posted on my Facebook CRPS support group to see if anyone else had this kind of pain. I just wanted to die.

I got a few responses from the group saying they had experienced similar pains. After a while I started to get hungry but I still hurt and had no idea how I was going to make myself some lunch. I waited for my pain meds to kick in. After a while the pain subsided but didn’t go away completely. The bone was still very tender. I decided to wear the boot so I could keep pressure off it. But I had to stand in order to do so. I carefully stood and I was in pain but it was bearable. I got the backpack that had the boot and took it out. I put my foot in the boot but then another pain emerged. I made it down the stairs carefully and tried to let the boot do its job by not bearing weight.

I went to the kitchen and made an egg McMuffin. I had a soda with it because I didn’t feel like having juice. After I ate, I decided to see if there was mail. So I went down the stairs again. The mail hadn’t come yet. I went to my sisters to have some junk food. She had some chocolate covered nuts so I had some of those as well as some chips. Then I made it back up to my room. I still wanted a nap. I had an hour to kill before the state called me for an interview for food stamps. I was getting really sleepy. I set my timer for 45 mins and laid down, hoping my foot didn’t flare up again. About ten minutes in, my loud mouth aunt comes over. JFC, really?? I was so fucking pissed off. If she didn’t shut her mouth, I was going to shut it for her. Luckily she quieted down after a few minutes and I tried to nap. Before I knew it, the timer ran down and went off. UGH I didn’t want to get up. My loud mouth aunt was still visiting my mother and I had to go to the bathroom. Good thing I went because the hardware in the tank was running water. Guess that was why the water bill was high. I did my business after bringing this to my mother’s attention. My brother in law would have to fix it as I had no clue how the thing worked.

The place called at the appointed time and promptly, placed me on hold. Nice. I waited a few minutes and got connected to someone. I swear I was on the phone for 10 minutes after giving them a little information and then she said they would mail me out a letter of the documents they needed and I had to send them within 30 days. Complete waste of fucking time!! Why couldn’t they send me that in the two letters they sent me this week!!??? I was aggravated.

I wasn’t hungry as I felt pretty full off the junk food I ate. But I wanted something. My mother was cooking something so I went downstairs to see what it was. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a sandwich and was overfull. I shouldn’t have eaten it but oh well. Least I won’t be hungry later on. I wanted to make a cup of tea but didn’t feel like making it. I started my blog and my mother screamed my name. I hurried to see what she wanted. Someone was on the phone and she couldn’t hear what they were saying. I picked up the phone in her room and it was a telemarketer for windows. I told them I wasn’t interested and to take me off their list. The jerk hung up on me!! Bitch.

Going to have a glass of wine before I change my mind. My sister bought my mother my favorite kind of red wine and I have been craving a glass. I don’t have wine that often, if at all. I’ll probably have half a glass as that is usually plenty. Cheers!

ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

Ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

I woke up around 0430 because I had to pee. I struggled with whether or not to go back to sleep because I knew if I did, I would have a hard time waking up when my alarm went off at 7. I just laid in bed. I had taken some pain meds as my ankle was being a jerk but it wasn’t too bad. I finally gave up resting around 645 and got dressed to catch the 701 bus to the Square. I brought a light bag with me as I didn’t know if my messenger bag would be acceptable in the courthouse.

On the way to the courthouse, I had my bag on my foot. After a few stops, It didn’t like the bag and I was in a lot of pain. Great. The pain got worse as I got off at my stop and walked to the courthouse. I had a few anxiety attacks from the pain. I was literally shaking and having palpitations. I went to where I needed to go at the courthouse and paid my fee. The woman said it would take four weeks to process. Damn. I thought it was quicker than that. She said she will call me when it was time for me to come back.

I carefully went to the train station that was down the street, about half a block. I was hurting pretty bad and had no idea how I was going to get home. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for the train and bus home. I was limping as I got home and my ankle gave out on me as I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t going to do anything the rest of the day.

It was hot and humid today so I was sweating by the time I got up to my room. I must have been on my bed for about a half hour when my ankle bone flared up. I feel so depressed. I don’t know if I should keep my PT appt tomorrow or not. Going down or up the stairs is pure torture. I feel so hopeless right now. I just want to go under my covers and stay there permanently. To make me feel “better”, my mother said that she is not going to call me G. She is going to keep calling me my birth name. So much for her being okay with my name change. I just want to give up. I feel so weighed down and in so much physical pain that it’s like I am being crushed on all sides. Just kill me now. Why prolong the inevitable?

Next week I see my PCP and I am going to beg him to put me on a long acting pain med because every 5-6 hours sucks and if I don’t take it around the clock, I wake up in pain or I hurt worse for missing a dose. I’m done being a nice guy. He doesn’t, I will end my life. I don’t see what other choice there is. I can’t “live” like this anymore. My meds aren’t being totally effective anymore. I know I will NEVER be 100% pain free, but it has been so damn long since I was at say a 3 on a scale of 1-10.

I called the bitch coordinator that I met with on Friday to tell her I wasn’t interested in her group anymore. Her loss.

Pain and sleeplessness

I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.

I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.

I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t. 

I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.

I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.

The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.

Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.

As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.

My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!