Feeling ill with no sleep and little appetite

Feeling ill with no sleep and little appetite

I realized when I got on my laptop today that it has been almost three days since my last post. It has been difficult to write because I haven’t been sleeping well and pain has been a bitch. Also been feeling under the weather the past few days and not sure if I am getting a cold or what. My voice has been all over the fricken map. I think I am going to email my doc and be like when is this going to stabilize because I can’t stand one minute I have vocals and the next I don’t or sound like a frog! I know this is a process but I thought it would be gradual progression not a constant up and down thing. I did a pic on IG. You can definitely see a change and my chin is being more defined. Just wish I could lose a little weight to get rid of the fat under it.

I have been trying to eat but lately I just don’t feel like it. Not sure if this is mood related or because I am just not feeling well. One minute I feel fine and the next dizzy and weak. I’ve been at least trying to increase my fluids but even that is difficult. I was supposed to see my psych today but I didn’t fall asleep till almost 7 am this morning. My sleep has been so fucking awful. I am not sure if my last post said that a social worker called for a phone eval for a therapist. I thought the social worker that works with my PCP was just going to outright refer me to someone and then they would call me. Now I got to wait six weeks to find out if they will take me on. Fuck. It doesn’t really matter any as right now I am having so much trouble walking and going out it isn’t funny anymore. Since my double appointment last week, I have been recovering. I thought I was okay but Tuesday I had gone out after putting my groceries away and I guess that was too much. My right calf is just horrible and the more I try and stretch it or walk, it just kills. I also had cramps in my foot the other day which freaked me out. I have been sleeping with a pillow between my legs since because I think my left foot has been pressing on the golf ball, causing it to cramp because I have overused the muscles so much. I really don’t like this going to one appointment or go out for something, like getting my haircut, and then being immobile the next few days. I really can’t limp on either leg for support because that just makes it worse. When I am downstairs I use the walker to get around so I am not putting so much weight on my legs. I still sort of limp unconsciously. Then the heel pain jacks up and I really am done. For two days, my CRPS pain was down the lowest it had ever been. I think it was because the heel pain was so high it couldn’t process the other pain. Well, last night while moving the pillow under the sheets, I “hit” my big toe on the CRPS foot and set it off. Then I moved my ankle two hours after taking the breakthrough med and I was up all night. I was so fricken tired I couldn’t get comfortable. I was playing with the pillows, turning it this way and that, then switching to the body pillow but couldn’t get that right either. I was so fucking annoyed.

I was supposed to go do an errand for my mother today but because I haven’t been feeling well, my mother did it. I forgot to renew my T-pass for the month so will have to pay when I go out again. I am hoping I can go to the Square tomorrow to get the ground beef I need for my barber’s dish I been promising him. Then I have been waiting for two bills to clear my checking account only to find out I never paid them. I think I paid the majority of my bills in the early morning on Wed when I got paid, went back to sleep with the thoughts of doing it when I got up, and forgot. Oh well. I am glad I paid today because one of them was due tomorrow. Oops!

Because I am not seeing my psych, I have been emailing her to try and get the Lamictal called in. I’ve sent her two emails because Sunday is my last dose and I don’t have anymore. I hated cancelling but I really didn’t feel well and will being up all night, I didn’t think it was a good idea. If I have to, I will try and Uber to my PT appointment Tuesday. I hope that this PT regimen will pay off because I didn’t have as much calf pain as I do now since the whole stretching bullshit. I have had to modify how long I hold the stretch to just ten seconds and rest a bit before doing another. Last night I got so annoyed, I just did two stretches and think I positioned the belt wrong because my ankle flared up. Like WTF. Seems like every time I do something I have one step forward and ten back! I just decided I am just going to do what I can to try and get my ankle and foot functioning but it is so damn hard when pain stops you. The heel pain is so fucking intense it literally consumes the whole of you. I’ve never had pain that bad before, aside from the CRPS pain, but this is probably worse! Least the pain meds are controlling the CRPS pain. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol for the heel pain. Nothing else seems to work. There was a study on using these two together to reduce pain after hip replacement surgery. Pain relief was only for three days but I will take it if it calms it down enough for me to do the exercises and not flare it back up. Standing after I have been reclining in bed for a while is the worse because my CRPS ankle bones feel like they are being crushed and that pain takes a while to subside before I can put my right foot down, while then my heel starts hurting. How I have been walking is beyond me. Maybe I should consider a cortisone shot though it goes against my beliefs. I had one cortisone injection in my wrist many years ago and it helped the tendonitis pain I was having. Maybe one shot will do the trick and then I won’t hurt so much. I got the new ankle brace (the 4th one I am trying). I didn’t realize it had straps to go underneath. That might aggravate the golf ball and heel. I will have to try it out. Just getting up the nerve to use it. LOL

More tiredness that is sticking around

So over the weekend I emailed my repro endo doc to say I’ve been really tired and described how tired I was and could it be the testosterone? She said most certainly not. I should see my pcp. Well today has been a real fucking day so why should calling my pcp be easy. He isn’t available until January. So again, I am seeing one of his colleagues, a doc I don’t think has any brains but is playing doctor. Okay, I will see him. I flew off the handle. Fucking January? I got to see someone else as my pcp. How are you to have a relationship with someone if you only see them every 4 fucking months? And when something comes up. You have to see someone else because your doc isn’t available. That to me is unacceptable. My former doc always saw me. Hell I remember one time I had to see his colleague and he purposely found a way for me to see him once I was in the office. That is my kind of doctor.

I had therapy today and talked his ear off about shit that has been happening. He brought up a good point, people around me don’t think I am important. I almost started bawling. I think I was at this point anyway but him saying that just brought more tears. [**I am typing on my phone so if you see a typo, please tell me**]

He gets that is most likely causing my misery. My family treats me like crap, especially my mother who doesn’t accept me for who I am. She has it in her head that I am this beautiful, cute baby girl and now I am turning into a man. Well I was all along but I had to hide myself for ten fucking years because I afraid she wouldn’t accept me. And I was right.

Halfway through session, I got a wave of exhaustion. Like I was completely drained. And I still had to go home. Fuck. I came home and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I never felt that tired before in my life. I’ve had therapy sessions and appts and stuff and never felt that drained. Something is wrong. And I swear if this jerk of a doctor tells me it is a virus, my cane is going to be swinging. I want my blood count and thyroid checked. Though more so my blood count as testosterone can cause weird blood counts.

I got my prescription today. I had to wait in like and I swear I thought my heel was going to divorce me. It hurt so bad. I was walking with my cane because I had to take the pressure off my foot. I took it out when I got to city hall after therapy. I had to rest there for a bit. Both feet were barking. I wish I had money for an Uber. I hate that I have impulsive spending. I spent my last 8 bucks on nic sticks. I am so stupid. I nicked myself pretty good and had to use a bandage as the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Just hope it doesn’t get infected as I looked at the razor and there was some rust on it. My stupid mother never cleans it right. Or at all. Drives me nuts. She has her single edge but uses mine. Brat.

I am in pain and not sure if I am going to pull an all nighter or not. I just took a breakthrough med so I hope I will sleep. I just got to keep my damn foot still. Though it was still when it felt like someone was ripping off my 5th metatarsal. Ugh. CRPS sucks. You never know what kind of pain you will have next and for how long. Last night it took until 2 am for it to settle down. Probably would have been sooner but my fucking Kindle did an update and now won’t recognize the SD card. I had to find a thing to read it on my laptop to see if it was defective or the Kindle was. So annoying.

I did the calf stretching before I left the house. My heel wasn’t bothering me until I left Starbucks. I had to leave an hour earlier so I could fucking write. I finally had time to journal. I just wrote about all my fucking aggravation with the bus and shit. I fucking hate when people block the entry of the bus and people can’t get off or on. So rude!!!!! I sat away from the jerk or I probably would have muttered under my breath. The when i was on my way home. Guy came on preventing me from getting off. Fucking asshole. No one has courtesy anymore. Pisses me off.

I did the app exercises a few times today. I had varying scores. Sometimes i did above 90 and sometimes i did below. It is annoying me. I do it three times and if i don’t improve or get the same score i just stop. No point in going on. I haven’t done the warm heat. I keep forgetting to being the damn thing to the kitchen. Though how i am to apply it once it is hot i have no clue. It is my outer ankle so kind of hard to put on. All logistics. I’ve been using a heating pad as my damn feet get ice cold and tonight it took 4 hours to get hot. Frustrates the hell out of me. My right usually gets warm before my left (CRPS foot) but it was cold in my room so took as long as my left. I think it helped the plantar fasciitis pain. I haven’t stood yet but damn my ankle is fucking killing me (CRPS).

Hope I feel tired again so I can sleep. I got to be out of the house by 8 am for the doc appt. But with this pain, I doubt I can sleep.

Foot is driving me nutso!!

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2100. My mother wasn’t up in her room yet. I called to see if she was ok as with the AC on, I can’t hear things. She was okay. Her sugars had stabilized.

I got a blog that I read and wished I didn’t. It was about the lesbian protests or something like that in London during the Pride parade. What gets me is that anytime transgender is mentioned, it is almost always having to do with transwomen. I know I cannot be the only transman in the world. I know one came out in the Navy. I know there is another fellow in Oregon. We talk occasionally. We can’t be the only ones out there. So why isn’t it out there?? I just feel alone and invisible.

Then I started talking about suicide and someone tried guilt tripping me. I call it what it is and they say it is on me. Really? I will be fucking dead. How will I know what will happen to my family?? Am I supposed to be a ghost or something? Pissed me off.

My foot felt like it was in a pressure cooker. Then it felt like it was being crushed. Now my big toe is hurting big time. I call uncle, except I don’t think it works. I found my very last breakthrough med. Tomorrow I got to call and have them change the order and make sure the count is so I can take more than 1 a day. Otherwise the pharmacy won’t fill it and I’ll chop my fucking ankle off.

I will need a shower tomorrow. I hate showering. I need to shave my head to keep it bald. Also need to do a touch up of shaving because I missed some spots. My foot isn’t going to be happy. Then I got PT. Oh joy. Yes the curative physical therapy to increase mobility. This is interesting as I haven’t moved my damned ankle in 17 fucking years. It is a fucking joke. Oh and the damn pain clinic refuses to use CRPS. I have left ankle/foot pain. Can I bring a bat to my next appt and clobber them over the head?? Not to kill them, just to knock some sense in them or make them read my damn medical record that says why I need prescription pain medication. Fucking assholes.

I am done trying to say to them what I need. I have a better chance of winning the lottery. My foot is screaming. It is too late for gaba. I need to be up early enough to call the assholes and hope it doesn’t take a week to change the order. I can’t believe I was stupid and didn’t read it before I left. Ugh. Live and learn I guess.

Maybe 300 mg of gaba to calm some of it down. My PT is going to be unhappy with me. I’ve only done home exercises about 3 times. I couldn’t do it the 1st two days after our last session because my thigh hurt too much. Thursday I did it. Friday I was off to asshole’s office. Saturday I slept all day. Today I was in a fuck it mood.ok so what is that just one time? Oops I can’t count. We’ll just say 3 times. I probably am not going to see her anymore anyway. I really don’t want to. I think it is pointless to see her for my ankle/foot. I saw her before and I was in too much pain. And without breakthrough meds, forget it. I am tired of working through the pain.

I have no life. Just doc appts. I can’t remember a day I went to the Square just for fun, to have my espresso and write. Hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe February when I was trying to write the story in my head. It is gone now. Why bother writing it when I am going to die soon?

Part of me is trying to hang around. But with every painful flare, it gets less and less. Just do it runs through my head. Someday soon. I hope. Just do it…

Just when I think…

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…