Listening to 1989 again
I completely love the album 1989 by Taylor Swift. It is one of my top favorite albums. So I am listening to it all day until the game tonight.
I had therapy and my therapist wanted to discuss what went on last week. She said that it is looking like I have Treatment Resistant Depression as I have failed multiple trials of antidepressants. She said that I could try avenues of TMS or ECT. I have tried to get TMS for a while but my prescriber has always let the conversation die in the mist of discussion. But medication isn’t the answer for me. She is still wanting me to try groups and shit. We talked about stuff I could do with my time. She brought up writer groups and I thought about the writer’s group in Boston but they are way out of my price range. One class is like $400. So this isn’t an option for me.
I wanted to bring up trauma but I really didn’t want to get into it. We have danced around it for a while but we never have delved into it much. Trouble is I have so much trauma, I don’t know what to talk about first. Do I talk about the trauma with my mother, father, ex, medical profession, cousin, or just the vicarious trauma life throws at you? I also had a therapist that took advantage of me when I was a teen. She knew I had feelings for her so she thought she could use them and my insurance to drag out sessions. I read her notes and she said that I would do best with an insightful therapist as I had good insights. I also have a lot of therapists that left their scars with me when they left. Some of the therapists I still keep in touch with. Some have left and never seen again.
I ordered Chinese food because I am addicted to Kung Pao from Panda Express. They make it with zucchini and I love zucchini. It ought to clear my sinuses up. I have such a sinus headache right now from all the sneezing I have been doing today. What really sucked was when I was cathing I got a sneeze attack. Luckily urine didn’t go everywhere and the catheter stayed inside of me. Fucking a man. I hate when that happens.
I have realized that Blank Space is my therapist’s song. “got a long list of ex lovers who will tell you I’m insane” is perfect for all the ex therapists I have had over the years. Omg who is she I get drunk on jealousy but you’ll come back every time you leave because darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. So it’s gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? The lyrics are just hitting me. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat for the past hour.
My food will be here soon. The driver had another drop off before mine so it is delayed. I hate when that happens. They say that it is cost effective but for who? I am the one waiting the extra time for my food.
I need to shave my head today. I might shower but it doesn’t look likely. I’ve gotten back in the habit of shaving. I love the bald feel of my head.