tolerate it

Tolerate it

I had therapy today. She got my message about hopelessness and we discussed it for a bit. Until my ankle exploded in pain. I swear I thought the bones were going to shatter, that is how much it hurt. I told her I was in pain and she asked if there was an emotional component to it. I had to agree there was. Any time I feel strong emotion, my pain goes up. I had brought this to her attention maybe a year if not more ago and she still remembers. So we talked about the emotions I was feeling in the moment. She said that despite me having a good spell right now there could be relapse. I’m glad she is aware of this because it would kill me to go through this alone again.

After therapy, I shaved and took a shower. I shaved my underarms and hurt my left arm while shaving my right. I was already hurting from not sleeping all night. I wanted to take a nap after the shower but decided to eat something. I ordered Chipotle and it was a good meal, albeit cold. I didn’t care. It was still good. I decided to write this blog than sleep. I don’t think I can sleep anyways as my arm is still so damn sore. I had taken a pain med but now I think I need to take another one with an ibuprofen chaser.

I had two cups of coffee today to help keep me awake. I’ve also been drinking Gatorade to keep my fluids up as tomorrow I am going for a blood draw. I see my pcp tomorrow as well. I am going to have my knee looked at because after nearly a month since the fall, it is still hurting me. I don’t know if it is because it is bruised or if I did something to it. I hope it is just bruised. It is going to be a long day tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have plans for Wed. other than seeing my sister for her birthday. It will give me some time to rest.

I am getting my haircut tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I plan on getting it cut to a three on top. I probably will have to shower again. One of my dear friends called me today. We talked for about an hour. It was good catching up with her. She wants me to come over her house for Turkey day and Christmas. I don’t know if I will go both holidays. Maybe just Christmas this year. I don’t know. Depends on what my family is planning.

Yesterday, a beloved member of Red Sox Nation died from cancer. Today the great Aaron Beck died. He created CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. He was such a good psychologist. I am saddened by these deaths.

My left side hurts so much right now. I took my meds but it is going to be at least an hour before I feel somewhat better. I am thinking of having another cup of coffee or tea. My sister made a seven layer bar that is out of this world. I might have a piece with a cup of tea. I haven’t had a cup of tea in a great while. I will have it in my Sox mug that my brother in law gave me one Christmas. It is my favorite mug for tea. Might also warm me up. It is kind of chilly in my room with the temps going down now.

any thoughts?

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