Wednesday I had two appts, one with therapist and the other with psychopharm. Therapy didn’t go too well. She doesn’t want me dependent on her, which I get. She also wants me to be more social. I wanted to talk about this being an anniversary time and she breaks out that I need to join a group of some kind. So we agreed that I would go to the local chess club that meets on Sunday and she would buy a chess set so I can teach her to play. Fucking weird she would let me teach her chess but not suicide prevention stuff that might actually fucking help me. I realized today that with her, it is just going to be therapy like the hospital where they teach you how to cope with whatever you are feeling rather than fucking talk about the fucking feeling. It is like redirection for adults. I feel stuck though as the therapist is good, she knows her stuff, but if she is just going to redirect my feelings to using cold water when I have them, what the fuck am I seeing her for? The day didn’t get better with psychopharm.
This nurse practitioner wanted to treat my symptoms with medication, even if that meant three medications. She wanted the anxiety with one med, sleep for another, and, not kidding, suicidality with another med. The med for suicidality is lithium. I know all about lithium. I also know it is toxic in large amounts. Very toxic. So why would I want to have a toxic substance in my possession when I am suicidal? Granted she will not be prescribing me large doses, just enough to have it in my system, but that isn’t how my brain thinks. I declined the lithium and the sleep med which was another blood pressure med. Jesus fucking christ. I have 3 meds that affect my blood pressure. I don’t need a fourth. God it made me miss my psych so fucking much. My psych never would push drugs on me. The meds the NP wanted to prescribe aren’t new. They all were generics and pretty old meds. The one for anxiety I won’t be taking again because I am so lethargic from it. Took it Wed night and was sleepy all day yesterday. Took another last night and was sleepy all day today. I barely left the bed except for bathroom breaks. I did have some thing to eat but nothing major. The NP went over my diagnosis. I said yeah I got bipolar but I don’t think I am. She asked if while decreasing the lamictal if I had symptoms of mania. I said no. She asked what does she think I have and I said major depressive disorder with psychotic features. She also wanted to increase the Invega and I said no. Fuck. Why can’t she just leave things as is? I have no problem with my meds. They don’t help my mood but I’ve known that for the past 20 years. I just need something for the psychosis and maybe for depression. I am on duloxetine and it is ok though after 3 weeks still no change in symptoms.
Yesterday around noon, my ankle went into a flare. I’m still in unbearable indescribable pain. I really wish I was fucking dead. Was going to end it today but ankle said nope. Pathetic I can’t even kill myself because I am in too much fucking pain. Hope this flare is gone by tomorrow. I didn’t have good sleep last night, despite that stupid pill for anxiety. I kept waking up every few minutes. I wanted to take lorazepam but I didn didn’t want to get up. It hurt too much to move. I was putting most of my weight in my right arm so it kept falling asleep or was just uuncomfortable. Think tonight I will have to put a pillow between my legs so my foot is a bit more even rather than cupping my other foot.
I also realized today that with my psych gone, no one is going to ask or be interested in my writing. I can still share what I write with my psych but if I don’t write, what is there to share. I feel so lost without her. Doesn’t look like she is going to come back into my life anytime soon. And I don’t like it.