staying the course

Staying the course

I realized this past week how grateful I am that I had a doc that listened and cared who also didn’t treat every symptom I have with meds. I am not sure where this “team” and I are going. Seems everyone wants to be captain and not a 1st officer. I know the waters are wicked stormy and all I want is to go down with the ship. Trying to stay the course but it has been hard as I just haven’t been able to have much say in my care. Been able to decline med changes so far. Therapy is a bit harder. Just doesn’t seem we are all on the same page yet. I am not sure we all will be on the same page if there isn’t some agreement on who exactly is in charge. I thought it was me but it doesn’t feel like I am and that is a problem. This therapist is trying to pull her weight in my care and it is knocking me over. I am already exhausted from trying to keep the ship above the water and seems soon as I got it going on course some storms knocks me off my bearings. She hasn’t been much help to steer the vessel while I am struggling for control. I feel like she wants to be on the bridge but just to look around.

These thoughts and pain are what is keeping me up tonight. I also have been thinking of writing and how with my psych being gone, no one is going to ask about it anymore. I think the “team” will think it is too isolating to write a blog or a book or something.

I have been thinking about my writing because I haven’t done much of it the past few months. I sort of let it slip through my hand and haven’t been able to really get back to it. A blog reader reached out to me. She told me that it helps her to get out of bed to check the computer to see if I posted. That day, two other people said they were glad I was still around. All three of these people, though they didn’t know one another, have never met nor were on all the same platforms were telling me to try and hang on when right now I don’t feel much like doing so. They understand why I don’t want to and in their own minds have sort of understood that I am free to make that choice should I take it.

Other night, I was having a really bad day of pain. Actually, I have been in the same kind of pain since Thursday around noon with my ankle all flared up. I wanted to end things Thursday. I couldn’t walk so figured I would do it Friday. Friday I was still in pain and texted the therapist that I was going to order more ginger. She thought my niece got rid of the stash I have. I have a serious allergy to ginger as I found out a few months ago. The therapist didn’t say anything about the pain but did say that if I ordered the ginger, it would tell her that I wasn’t safe. I held off on telling her anymore. Last night I found out some bad news about a family member and was so heartbroken about it. I still am. I wanted to end things right then but I didn’t want it to be in my home. I figured one piece of the gummies wouldn’t be too much. I had Benadryl and an epipen if things got bad. I also had a fortified histamine blocker if I needed it. The gummy caused a reaction but it wasn’t severe. It was moderate as my voice is a bit shaky. I realized by my experiment that a handful would probably be enough like I thought it would be. Now I got to wait for a fucking dry day to come around as it is going to rain all fucking week to put my plan into motion. I am biding my time for now. It is all I can do. I am not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks. I am going to try and write more to see if that helps tame these demons like they have been in the past. Writing about them hasn’t always been so damn easy though. MK, hope you can check your laptop a little more frequently as I try to tame things in my head through writing.

any thoughts?

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