Tuesday’s thoughts

Had an appt with urology today. There was some paperwork I had to fill out before the visit. Last question was about how my urinary problems are now affect me. I put terrible because self-catherizing is no fun. I am waking up in the middle of the night nearly every fricken morning to empty my bladder. It has worsened my depression. So the doc went over things with me. She said to empty my bladder via cath before sleeping so it is completely empty. I’ve done this at different times before midnight and I am still up between 3-4 am to empty because I am uncomfortable. I also think right now I have an infection. Urinalysis was very positive but until the culture comes back nothing can be done. I haven’t had to cath today because the urge to go has been so strong so I know there is infection. I asked the uro if my disc is causing this and she asked what does my neurosurgeon say. Been too scared to see him. So made an appt today as the uro was going to email him. I am to follow up with the doc’s NP in a month.

I’ve been getting emails from the medical supply company wanting me to refill. Guess my slim chance this was all a dream has been shattered. I will order more caths tomorrow. Don’t feel like it today. My mother asked me if I still had the catheter in me and I said no. She then asked what the green thing in the trash was so I told her what they were. Don’t think she understood me. She just shook her head.

Dammit. I’ve been peeing nearly every fricken two hours since coming home. I haven’t had much to drink. Had three meatballs from the other night. That has been the only thing I’ve had to eat the past 24 hours. I’ve been trying to eat but I got no appetite at all. Weighed myself this morning. I am still the same as I was last week. I had to put more holes in my belt as I couldn’t get it tight otherwise.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. Had a bad night last night I was hallucinating in session. Hate when I have dreams like that. The uro wants to email the psychopharm. No idea why. Not like she can do much. She is going to email my pcp to let him know about what is going on as well as getting me into some therapy for the medical trauma I had when I was small. I asked if this was just therapy I can be doing with the therapist I see but she didn’t have an answer for me. Guess I will find out sooner or later. I had sent a text to the therapist saying how bad the pain was she said she was sorry. I didn’t say much about what transpired over the last few days. Not sure I will let her know when I talk with her tomorrow.

I am fricken exhausted. I snoozed in between voiding this afternoon. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I’ve been suicidal on and off all day. Rain is in the forecast all week. Hasn’t been too cold though. Rather have rain than snow anyway. My mother put the heat on so my room is fricken hot. I still have the AC in my window. Hoping with the weather clearing this weekend my bro in law can take it out. Would be good to get cold fresh air in my room.