I did some errands that needed to be done. I also went grocery shopping which killed my legs. I had to take an Uber home because I just couldn’t walk to the bus stop to go home. It worked out. On the way, I realized I forgot half and half. Oh well. I still have a quart that I bought with last month’s groceries. I didn’t get groceries this month as I really didn’t need much. I bought cold cuts, chicken patties, and a pizza my nephew and I like. That should last me a week or two so I have my food that I can make quickly should pain or fatigue be an issue. I gained about 5 pounds while in the hospital, which was the weight I loss prior to being admitted. I see my TG doc in a few weeks so I hope I lose some of it by then. Hope with all the walking and standing I did today I don’t have a flare. I am hurting right now but it is mostly soreness. My thigh is still bothering me and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or muscle. I think it is nerve because it feels like someone is poking me really hard. If It continues, I will just put a lidocaine patch on it. That really helps it.
I talked with my psych again. It was good talking to her. I said I wanted to get off the Lamictal and will tell the new psychopharm about it. I really don’t think it is helping. If I do become hypomanic, I will get off it but we’ll see. I haven’t had a hypomanic episode in a really, really long time. I have been depressed more than I have been the past 10 years. She wants me to use the therapist and psychopharm as supports. I just don’t know if I can do that. I have a hard time trusting people because I have been burned so much. Also the conversation I had with the therapist yesterday didn’t ease my thoughts on it. She was being sneaky in her questioning of who to contact when I am feeling unsafe. I told her I felt comfortable with contacting my psych and then she said she wanted me to contact her but she can’t stop me from contacting my psych, like WTF. Why didn’t she say that first? Because it was “helpful to know where my thinking was.” Really? Wanted to tell her to fuck off at that point. I responded with you know I have a better relationship with my psych, right? I wanted to say more about what to work on with regards to my suicidality but I couldn’t fit that into a text message. So I said we can talk about it next week and that I would let her know so both of you are on the same page. I never got a response from that text. Fuck. I am going to print out the thing I wrote that my psych suggested I do as I put things better in writing than I do talking. I think I need to add to it some more. I also need to find the 2nd edition of the David Jobes CAMS book as there is a new crisis response thing that I think both patient and client signs as an agreement but I am not sure. I only just glanced at it. I still mean to update the SSF as there have been some changes to it.
Last night, a suicidologist I follow was looking for research articles and books on suicide. I sent her my EndNote file that I had that listed all the suicide papers/books that I have collected over the past 10+ years. Made me realize how much I miss academia. I wish I could go back to school. I think it would help me structure my time a little better.
I am glad I am home. I didn’t like coming home to find that my stuff that was in the hallway has been all packed up. No one told me this and I am really pissed about it. My bookcase is empty and my sister wants me to get rid of it. Fuck no. Why should I get rid of something I fucking paid for?? We also talked about how I have to clear my room out (in a week!!) to place stuff in the alcoves and also do the little remodeling in my room. Where my stuff/furniture is to go, I have no clue. I really don’t want to be sleeping on the couch as that has been my niece’s sleeping spot. But where I am to sleep while the rug is torn up and the wall fixed, I have no clue. I might have to sleep at my sister’s place until the room is done. I will have to repaint my room, which I want to be Fenway green. Paint is probably going to be expensive but I don’t care. It is the color I want my room. Probably will take a few weeks to do. That is if I don’t end up ending myself. I still think about it all the time. I’ve done the last few things I needed to take care of. Now is just a matter of when I will go through with it. And with my stupid pain starting to flare up from today’s activities, I really don’t see how I can’t go through with it.