bad night of sleeping

Bad night of sleeping

Last night I could not sleep at all. I didn’t go to sleep till around 7 am. It was too hot and I was trying to get it to be cold but every time I laid down, my brain was racing with a million thoughts or thought about things in the past. I tried to calm down but nothing was working until I turned on the whisperer machine and took a bunch of Neurontin. I then used my shoulder as my pillow while I slept and must have cut off a nerve as my arm was very painful when I woke up. The pain in my shoulder went from front through the back, though if you pressed on the back it sent shockwaves down my arm. I didn’t have use of my right hand for a bit. Now things are slowly getting back to normal. I shaved my head and washed my face. I should have taken my shirt off but I didn’t so it got all wet. I had to change.

Friday I gave my barber the post cards for my books. It was slow so we chatted for a bit. He is really a great guy. I told him I was keeping my sides shaved and he said he knew. I said I fucked up the back and he said it will grow out in two weeks. I said three days and laughed. He did too. The T is making my hair grow faster though the facial hair is still slow to come in.

I might make cookies today if my arm goes back to 100%. I really feel for the people that don’t have use of their arms. It is terrible. Just trying to make a cup of iced coffee was a bitch. I didn’t know how to sit because pain was going down my arm into my numb fingers. Man I hope that doesn’t happen again. I looked at my pillow when I came back to my room and it was smooshed against the headboard. No wonder I had slept on my shoulder, no pillow! I think I need to dust off the body pillow and use that again. I slept really well with it but it takes up so much bed space and really splits the bed in half.

Things are ok between my mother and I, for now. I really want a cat and she said no so i am really sad. She still doesn’t think i am a guy so purposely uses she pronouns and then says well been calling you that for 40 years bullshit. She doesn’t try. Over Christmas after I corrected my brother in law’s mother on what my name is, my mother told her this. I was feeling lousy and didn’t have a voice so just ignored it, not wanting to ruin things. It really upsets me that I don’t have a supportive mother. I see things on FB all the time about your mom always having your back and being a friend, etc. I hate the woman. She has never accepted me because I am not what she imagines I am or should be. Very tough to live with her but i don’t have $$ to move out so. We each respect our own space. Because I have not been sleeping well, we have different eating schedules so we don’t have meals together anymore. I think that bothers her but I usually eat in the late afternoon and then she eats two hours or so later. I am not hungry then. Then I just make whatever if she doesn’t cook anything.

I have my shot this week. Still no major changes though I have notice my voice is changing however slowly. No one is noticing though!! My face shape is more linear than when I first started. It looks like I have lost weight. I have lost 10 pounds but not sure if I lost more. I have been living on protein bars the last 24 hours. I want to make an egg and toast but with my arm being funny, I will wait. Nothing fancy just sunny side up. Really easy but I need use of both my arms. I think in an hour I will be okay, I hope. Or I might have my mother make it for me telling her not to put any salt or pepper on it. She uses too much to my liking!

As I am up, I am going to try and stay up but cookie making is out. I want to try and read my book on being a white racist. The book is called White Fragility. It really challenges your thinking. I was hoping to read at least two chapters but in the middle of the first chapter I read, holy hell. I never knew how much I was following the culture and being a racist without knowing it! Sure I have white privilege. I wish I could change that. I just got to be aware of how I am around people and what I say. This book is really helping to open my eyes. I wrote some quotes on my social media (Twitter (@midnightdemon2) and Facebook), if you want to check them out. You might have to scroll a bit as I was complaining about not sleeping. I use Twitter as my complaining board because I have no one else to talk to. I sometimes get a response, sometimes I don’t. But then it is in the middle of the night so people are sleeping while I am awake!

My lunatic aunt gave me a Christmas gift. My mother wants me to call her. I prefer to send her a thank you note to avoid speaking to her. It was a Starbucks cup with some coffee and something else. It was thoughtful. She knows I like Starbucks. I don’t like the coffee in the package thing but that is alright. It was the thought that counts, right?

The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

Painsomnia Strikes Again

Painsomnia Strikes Again

So after I read three chapters of Tex, I was getting sleepy. I twittered for a while before a chat began that I didn’t want to participate in. All day a certain part of my ankle had been throbbing and feeling like it was being dug into. When I decided to sleep, all fucking hell broke loose. My metatarsals, particularly the heads, starting hurting. And the pain piggy backed from there. Ankle. Metatarsals and back again. I took a strong pain pill, hoping it would settle down. That was about two hours ago. Now in addition to these pains, other parts of my foot and ankle are hurting. They are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know if I try, I might be in more pain. I haven’t tried yet. I just took some gabapentin as now my foot is on fire as well. I didn’t take it earlier because I didn’t think it would get to this point.

Time is now 0115. I need to be up in about 8 hours. I doubt I will sleep that long. I never do unless there are interruptions. I might lie down and see if anything bad happens. I just don’t want to play the lie down and sit up game that my foot likes to play. I have the bad foot out from under the blankets. It sometimes help with dealing with the nerve pain because the slight pressure of the sheets and blankets irritate my skin nerves. I keep it out until it gets cold and then put it back under to warm it up. That is the other game it likes to play, out and in.

Wish me luck. I am going to lie down and try and get comfy. I hope my sister got me the body pillow I asked her to get me for my Xmas/bday gift. I think I will be more comfortable on that than just a head pillow. The nice thing about the body pillow that I wanted was that it had different positions you can put the pillow in so you can sit up in bed while reading or using a laptop, with your back being supported. I tend to lean forward when I am sitting as my spine is that way. Sitting straight up hurts my back but having a pillow near my lower back does help. The past few days I have just been house bound, going out for just 10-20 minutes at a day. It sucks because when I walk down the street, it kills my legs because I don’t use them enough. It’s hard to go out every day when a) you’re in pain and b) depression kills the motivation you have to go out. Just brushing my teeth was hard. But I did it.


I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!