Up and at ’em 2

Up and at em?

I woke up at 0145, from a sound sleep, because of pain. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I would write for a bit and see if that works. I took my pain meds, both of them. I am thinking of taking an Ativan but will see if I am sleepy in an hour once the pain meds have a chance to work.

My pain has settled down some but my brain has not. I decided to charge my Bluetooth headphones because it’s been a while since they were last charged. I have to watch my niece on Tuesday so I am thinking of taking her to the museum of fine arts. It all depends of how today goes for me. I want to make bacon for breakfast. Usually, that takes a lot out of me. I took two of my “extra strong” pain pills (Dove dark chocolate). It was yummy and hit the spot.

The damn birds are chirping. I don’t fucking believe it and it’s not even daylight out!! It’s 0300! Not even close to dawn. So damn annoying!! They even chirp in the evening too, usually at dusk. If I had a bazooka, I’d shoot them. Damn birds!

I have decided I am going to come up with a list of things to work on in therapy when my therapist is back from vacation. I think it will be a good idea so that there is a plan in place. We don’t have to stick with it but it’s something to do other than me talk the whole session about my past PTSD experiences and such. I know that he is collecting information about me as he doesn’t know me and I just expect him to. I know that is kind of stupid as he is new and doesn’t know a thing about me. Just wishful thinking I guess.

Dammit! I just moved my ankle and it exploded. My ankle down to my toes are hurting really bad. Damn pain syndrome! I never know what is going to cause a flare up and now I am again thinking of ending my life. It’s such a trigger for me to be in intense pain and then thinking of wanting to end my life. It doesn’t happen all the time but it’s happening more and more because I do have a plan to end it. Might not be the best plan but I hope it will work.

I am going to tell the therapist about this because this is the second time in about a week that I have had intense suicidal thoughts when I have intense pain. Maybe he and I can work on some kind of strategy to combat the thoughts so that I don’t resort to wanting to end my life. Dealing with chronic pain is so damn difficult. I never know what brings it on and it can be the slightest movement or thing that I have done a thousand times before but it sets off pain. It’s a real stress situation because you are always wondering if this time it will set it off or not. Like putting on or taking off socks. Or getting more comfortable on my bed while lying down and boom, the movement of my leg sets off ankle pain or toe pain. It’s so frustrating. It makes you not want to do anything but these movements don’t always cause pain so you are just confused and pissed off. Not that you want to be in pain every time you put on socks or take them off, but that the possibility is there.

UGH, I am getting annoyed and it’s not helping to go back to sleep. I guess I am angry that the pain woke me up from a good dream. I don’t remember it but it was something to do with being cared for. I felt really good in the dream, like there was a relief in it.

I have been thinking of starting my diet again of drinking protein shakes for two weeks. I don’t think I will start today because I want bacon. But I think I will substitute a meal for a shake. I heard that is a good way to lose weight. I would do a cereal diet but all I have are cocoa pebble and I don’t think that will help me lose weight because of the sugar in it. If I could just lose ten pounds I would be happy. It’s so damn hard to lose yet it’s so easy to gain. I know the Neurontin doesn’t help me. I can easily gain five pounds without even changing my diet too much. I think it’s mostly water weight because soon as I stop taking it, I lose the extra weight. It is frustrating because I need this medication yet I don’t want to gain weight from it. There isn’t another medication that I can take that works as well as this one. I have tried Lyrica and Lamotagrine. It didn’t really help the nerve pain at all and just made me sick.

I am glad my therapy appointments are in the afternoon because it gives me a chance to wake up and relax a bit if my night was shitty. It doesn’t always work out that way but at least I can go to Starbucks and write a little in my journal before the appointment. I can either go to the Square or Central because there is a Starbucks right at the corner when you exit the station.

I hope I go to sleep soon. It’s really hot in my room but with the damn birds chirping I know it will be louder if I open my window. That will annoy me and it will be hard to get to sleep. Maybe I will take a shower to cool off some. I am kind of sweaty, even though I took a shower yesterday. It might exhaust me some and let me go to sleep afterwards. We’ll see.

So Effin Tired

So effin tired

Last night, again, I woke up in the middle of the night and was up for a couple of hours, unable to get back to sleep. I had a bowl of cereal and then I was able to sleep for a few hours. I am totally exhausted and don’t want to do shit today. I had to place a few phone calls today but I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. I will call tomorrow.

I just emailed my psychiatrist. I just feel so sad that I don’t have anyone else to vent to, other than my blog. While I was up in the middle of the night, I opened my window because my room was much too warm. I have it at a comfortable temp right now, as long as the heat doesn’t kick on again. It’s raining today so I am keeping an eye on the window to make sure no water comes in. That wouldn’t be good.

I haven’t eaten anything since getting up about a half hour ago. I was trying to go back to sleep but my foot was having none of it. Then the birds and a dog was making noise. I just gave up. I just want to lie down as sitting up is giving me a headache. I just don’t feel well because of my lack of sleep, or rather, interrupted sleep.

I still feel sad over seeing my aunt not so well yesterday. I wish there was something I could do to make her better but she is old and there is nothing really that can be done. I know one day she is no longer going to be with us, and that hurts me. I just love her so much.

I can’t believe how much my ankle/foot is hurting me today. It might be because of the weather or all the cooking I did yesterday afternoon. But I didn’t do anything today as I really haven’t left my bed except to go to the bathroom. I took my pain meds and am waiting for them to work. Seems I am always waiting for meds to work. It’s tiring. I am so fed up with it.

Sunday Blog 26

Sunday Blog 26

I did a lot today. I started the day off with a much needed shower. That wiped me out but I couldn’t rest because I had to visit my aunt. Seeing her was difficult as she was easily confused and kept asking for her son (my cousin). She wanted to talk to him so I called him on my phone. She was asking where he was and when he was going to visit her. This was the first time seeing her in this state and it was heartbreaking. We left after the phone call as she was tired and needed a nap.

We had a long ride back home as there was traffic. I still had to cook my sauce. It took about two hours to be ready. I am glad because I was starving as I didn’t have lunch. By the time I was done making the sauce and cooking the pasta, I was toast. I was so exhausted I barely could move. My mother ended up cleaning up as I could barely stand. My foot was screaming at me.

I didn’t have a good sleep as I again woke up around 0400 after falling asleep around 2. I am really sick of waking up before 6. I need to nap because I am hurting so much. I filled my pill box last night so I am set to take my meds for the week. I am glad I did it because I am wicked tired and to fill the box right now would be a joke. I would just take this or that and say the hell with the rest of my meds.

I made the mistake of telling my sister I was making sauce. Now she wants some. She was complaining the whole time she was having pasta. No salt in the dish. I should have made it with peppers and onions. Blah blah blah. I was like next time you make it the way you want it. I make things the way I like it. My mother even complained there was no salt. I never use salt when cooking. I think things are over salted and it sucks. I like things plain and will use pepper before I reach for the salt. I thought the pasta and sauce came out really good, though the pasta could have been cooked a little more. I was cooking a pasta I don’t normally cook so it was difficult to tell when it was done. I will know for next time.

doc 2

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.