I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

Random 662

I have taken all the pain meds that I can tonight and although I have some relief, I am not 100%. I have decided that if I am not in as much pain tomorrow and can walk, I will go to Chipotle and get a burrito. Lately, the burrito has become my comfort food. I don’t know how this happened but it has. I suppose I could have worse things in life.

I was able to have some Oreos and milk tonight. I really wanted to have it as I kind of didn’t have dinner tonight. I had some cereal for my breakfast when I got up around 1 and then I had a tuna sandwich about an hour or two later. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams. I don’t remember them but one of them was about Stargate SG1. That was getting to be a fun dream before I woke up because my crazy fucking cousin kept calling me. He wanted to talk. I told him I was sleeping and he thought I was at Starbucks. Idiot. I was supposed to call him later tonight but I forgot. I will call him tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow or should I say, later today. Actually, it’s in 12 hours from now. I can’t really sleep because music is playing in my head. The music keep shuffling the different songs. It is annoying the crap out of me because I really want to sleep. I have already taken my trilafon, but it doesn’t help with the music running through my head. Nothing helps it.

Sox won tonight. They keep on talking about the “magic” number being 9 but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means they will win the division or be secured in the playoffs or what. There aren’t that many games left in September so I’m guessing it’s to secure the AL East division or clinch the playoff birth.

My therapist doesn’t know about my CBT plans yet. I will tell her if it goes through. Right now my plans to kill myself are still on the table. I can’t let it go because it is what I feel I have to do. The thoughts are slowly fading so it’s not so pressing that I need to go through with it. But I like keeping that option open just in case. I just hope my therapy with my therapist doesn’t interfere with the CBT process. That will just suck. I can’t imagine that it will though because it’s a specific form of therapy and it’s different than what my therapist practices. I just hope it’s not more than once a week because that will be a lot of therapy.

I’m falling asleep so I guess the meds are kicking in right now. Peace.

Random Sleepless Post

Random Sleepless Post

I took my meds a couple of hours ago and then took my pain meds afterwards. I should be sleeping by all accounts but I am not. I think it is because I had coffee late in the afternoon. I am tired but my brain keeps going.

Last night, I was feeling the same way when an alter, or some part of me, came out and wrote my therapist some nasty, commanding, stuff. It scared me. I was going to type it up and blog form it so she could read it, but I am scared that part of me will write again. I thought Hyde was writing but it wasn’t his style. His is usually a goodbye message. Not an angry, commanding tone to it. I don’t know what to make of it. I might have an appointment with my therapist on Monday but it’s not definite. She said she will let me know if she has the time available. Otherwise, I won’t talk with her till Tuesday.

I know I have an angry self. Everyone has one. But nothing provoked this side of me to show, I wasn’t angry until I was writing and the weird thing is, after he wrote, least I think it was a he, I fell asleep for a little more than 8 hours. I didn’t have any weird dreams. I didn’t sleep for a few hours and then wake up, none of the usual sleep pattern that I have been having for weeks, least since I left the hospital. I didn’t sign the letter. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to about this. I am not in danger to myself. I don’t feel suicidal. I am upset but not horribly. I just am confused. This has never happened before. And I am pissed off because I don’t have a name for this person or this person didn’t tell me its name. I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I knew someone wanted to come out. It was on the surface, I felt it. But it was unfamiliar to me. I would read what it wrote but I am so afraid of being triggered. What if it writes again and is more nasty? I don’t want that to happen or worse, what if I lose control and totally dissociate and it does something?

If I remember the argument, it was something to the effect of letting me be a female rather than a male. It was arguing with the notion that I am not really a male, but a female, and my therapist needs to stop giving in to the transgender idea. Least I think it was referring me as a she, rather than a he, and it was calling himself a he, if that makes sense. It is so bizarre. I don’t know if the handwriting changed as I haven’t looked at the page. Once I get enough courage to look at it, I will type up the letter and blog it for my therapist. Now that she has mastered password protected blogs, I can do so without having to send her snail mail letters.

Ankle is killing me and I am hungry. I think I am going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on scali bread. It is my favorite types of bread. Tomorrow I am going to get a fricken burrito. I have been craving it for a while now. Actually, I have also been craving burgers but I can’t have them because I am watching my weight. My sister was supposed to bring home a black bean burger from her work. I hope she did because those were so good. It was like Spanish beans with spices but in a burger patty (no meat just beans). I don’t know how they make them. I tried looking for the recipe online but none had refried beans as an ingredient and I think that is what held the patty together. I also love refried beans. I am going to keep hounding my sister until she brings them home again or at least gives me the recipe for them. They are very yummy!

My ankle is still being a bitch. I don’t understand why. I haven’t done anything in the last few hours to warrant such pain. I just wish it would go away and never come back but that isn’t going to happen. So I just have to take more pain pills because otherwise, there is no chance of me getting relief. Nothing else works for me, not even the nerve pain meds. If the nerve pain meds aren’t touching me, obviously it is not nerve pain. I have tried explaining this to my PCP before and it just falls on deaf ears. But I know it is physical type of pain, a tendonitis like my physiatrist thinks, coupled with complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know how I got it or the tendonitis. Well, the tendonitis is because I don’t walk correctly and I still have foot drop. That was caused by my initial injury of Cauda Equina Syndrome. I still have weakness in my foot, which causes me to walk incorrectly. I have to wear an orthotic to walk right. But even then, my ankle still hurts. It constantly feels like someone is trying to rip it apart like you do a chicken wing. Or it feels like someone is jabbing me with a knife. Either way, it sucks feeling this pain every single day, 24/7. Right now my pain is an 9 on a scale of 1-10. I just took a couple of pain pills so it should quiet down some. If not, I will take some more in an hour or two. Last night I was hurting so bad, I had to take a stronger pain pill. I hate having to take that pill because it constipates me to no end. And I hate being backed up. But I took my senna tonight so I should be ok for tomorrow. Sucks that I have to take a pill for this and that, just for normalcy. It sucks having a chronic pain condition on top of mental illness. Just makes you want to harm yourself sometimes. And people just don’t understand the chronicity part. They think that once you are out of surgery, you should be healed and be okay. Well, you aren’t. I have scar tissue on my nerves so I know that is the reason for my pain all the time. And there is nothing that can be done about that. Removing it will just cause more scar tissue to form.