Not having a good night, bitch rant

I wrote this to my psych. I think I am getting hypo as I haven’t been sleeping the past few nights. Hope it is just because of this stupid flare…

Not having a good night. Major flare where high ankle down to my toes were twitching and setting off anxiety. Then my foot felt like it was a balloon ready to pop. It wasn’t swollen. I carefully touched the top of my foot and it felt really odd, like dead skin but not dry. Maybe fragile is the word. Standing has been a huge problem. Just causes pain. Sometimes I can walk it off and sometimes when I sit back down, i hurt more. I was so overwhelmed and was tempted to page you but didn’t want to bother you with my craziness. So many different pains and sensations were overloading me. It is a little better now but I still hurt. Every time I move pain shoots up again or feels like it is going to cramp, despite the 1 mg of Ativan I took at bedtime. I took 10 mg of baclofen to try and stop the twitching/cramps. Also took 1000 mg of magnesium. I think i need to increase taking the mag for a while. Just hope it doesn’t cause bowel problems. I’ve been leaking urine more so that has been fun. Need to shower more which is difficult when you can’t stand.

I ended the email here, telling her to delete it. I was very scared with all this. The skin issue really is gross. It doesn’t feel like my skin. Then I have a golf ball swelling of malleolus. I rubbed that tonight. It hurt so I stopped. I thought about using lidocaine but wasn’t sure if touching it would set off more twitching.

It is now 1 am. Every time I take off my glasses to lay down, I need to put them back on to read something. My eyesight is bad. I can no longer read my phone without my glasses. I have an upcoming eye appt. It is with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I miss him. I got to change the appt. I got so many calls to make tomorrow and I need to get my haircut. I am going to get a bald cut but leave the top like a flat top. I want to try and have spiked hair by the time my cousin’s wedding comes around in June, if I don’t kill myself from this fucking pain first. I still can’t believe the psychologist wanted to taper my fucking meds! Would he do the same to a diabetic on insulin? I mean seriously!! I am so annoyed. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my meds with this stupid opioid epidemic going on. Chronic pain patients are the ones that are going to be the genocide of the “epidemic”. Apparently politicians are taking away the 1st do no harm from docs by tying their hands. It is either don’t prescribe or lose your license. What kind of medicine is that?


I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

Up and Down, Up and Down

Depression affects millions of people. It does not discriminate. It is a hidden illness as the signs are not always obvious. Lethargy, fatigue, loss of interest, loss of pleasurable things and activities are common. Personal hygiene is another common dysfunction that is not really discussed outside a clinician’s office. They may not shower every day or even brush their teeth.
I have suffered from depression most of my life and it’s only been over the past few years that my hygiene has suffered. I don’t shower every day. I barely brush my teeth. I don’t use deodorants unless I remember to. I might brush my teeth once every few days, though it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s mostly because I don’t care at times or because my post nasal drip (PND) causes me to gag and be nauseous. Because there have been many mornings where I am gagging and puking, I have gotten in the habit of not brushing my teeth every day or brushing later in the day when my stomach settles. Most days I really just forget because it just isn’t a priority for me. The PND has also gone on for years and I can say that it has caused me to feel bad about myself because I can’t take care of my teeth. Both my parents have dentures and that is the last thing that I want but when you feel so low, you don’t want to do anything. Even less so when you feel sick to your stomach. So I try to brush before bed and get in that habit but it is not easy. I have become easily distracted so if I go to the bathroom and do my business, I might not remember to brush. Sometimes I will if my mouth feels yucky. I think a lot of people with this condition don’t take care of themselves but are too embarrassed to admit they don’t take care of their oral hygiene. It is the same with personal hygiene.
I just don’t think about this anymore mostly because I know I will end up losing my teeth if I don’t. I have even stopped going to the dentist for fear of being reprimanded. I feel bad about my hygiene habits. Bust most days you only have enough spoons to do one or two things for the day. If showering and brushing your teeth are those two things, that doesn’t leave much for the rest of the day. I’m lucky that some days I go out and get my coffee at Starbucks. Usually that means no shower. Which leaves you with one spoon. Spoon theory ( is the equivalent of the amount of energy people have that do not have a chronic medical or mental condition that affect daily activities. Most people can take a shower, brush their teeth, get dressed, and then go out into the world to do what they have to do. This is not so with someone with a chronic health condition, being physical or mental. For those of us with chronic illness, it is not that easy. What used to take me 20 minutes now takes 40 or more, depending on how much pain or energy I have.
For me, it takes about 30 minutes to get dressed only because it is difficult for me to decide what to wear. What color jeans, socks, shirt or what kind of jeans I want to wear. Indecision is the biggest problem with me. I have too many and I can’t just chose one. I guess it could be worse. I could just be trying on clothes and take them off like some people do.