**may contain errors as I am on my phone**
My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.
Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.
I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?
I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.
The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.
More gas to the flames.
I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.
I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.
When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic
I have been involved in the suicide prevention things for the past eleven years or so. I have been reading research articles from those in the field. Then I became disabled and my suicidality increased but I have not made any attempts. The reason I say this is because I am now involved in the chronic pain community and found that there have been a lot of suicides since the crack down on opioids really started bearing down on patients and their doctors.
Recently there has been a woman in Montana that ended her life after the DEA went after her doctor. I find this, sadly, preventable. These pain patients have severe pain and need opioids to get relief. Since October, I have been trying to get adequate pain meds to relieve my pain but have been facing nothing but red tape. I have had two psych hospitalizations, which have not been helpful in the least. My psychiatrist is really worried about me. I have a plan to end things in a few months. It is a coping mechanism for me to make these plans. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it’s helpful for me to know there is an end to my suffering.
In the suicide prevention community, specifically a social media twitter group called SPSM (suicide prevention social media) there has been a lot of talk about getting the medical professionals to talk openly about asking about suicide as there has been research stating most suicides happen a within a period of time after seeking a medical professional. I argue that the psych professionals also have to ask the question, which sometimes does not happen for a variety of reasons. What is missing in those with chronic pain, is also lacking the talk of asking about suicide after pain meds have been forcibly cut or stopped all together. This kind of action has lead to multiple suicide that Dr. Kline, a pain physician, has written about.
I really think that if the pain psychologist in these pain clinics ask about it or even the health care professionals do, there might be a chance of saving a life. These patients feel their backs are against a wall and they cannot function without these meds anymore. The epidemic is nothing but hysteria. The CDC lied about their statistics and made it look like prescription opioids were the problem when it was really illicit drugs. Compounding the problem with chronic pain patients not getting the meds they need are the patients that have substance abuse disorder. The stigma surrounding substance abuse is probably as bad as those with suicidal ideation. There are no easy answers as some chronic pain patients has been grouped with the substance use and vice versa. Both need to be treated with meds but stigma and thoughts of not being able to be “strong” enough to stand the withdrawals or handle pain is just not a way of doing it. Unlike alcohol abuse where abstinence helps, substance use need medical assisted treatment with meds such as suboxone. There needs to be no legal punishment for those seeking treatment. More overdoses have happened due to people being released from jail and then using again because their tolerance has been lowered while being away from their substance.
With chronic pain, those that have been stable for years and being taken off abruptly, often turn to suicide because their pain is making their lives miserable. They can no longer do the things they did while on pain meds for their chronic pain. Often these patients feel abandoned by their doctors and some have been and are unable to find another doctor to treat them. Some have to travel far from their homes for care. It is a sad situation. Pain needs to be addressed. It was the 5th vital sign but the crisis has done away with it. So those with deep emotional pain don’t get asked about suicide and those with deep physical pain are neglected and never asked about their suicidal thoughts. Can we bridge this huge gap? Tough question to be answered.
I wrote this to my psych. I think I am getting hypo as I haven’t been sleeping the past few nights. Hope it is just because of this stupid flare…
Not having a good night. Major flare where high ankle down to my toes were twitching and setting off anxiety. Then my foot felt like it was a balloon ready to pop. It wasn’t swollen. I carefully touched the top of my foot and it felt really odd, like dead skin but not dry. Maybe fragile is the word. Standing has been a huge problem. Just causes pain. Sometimes I can walk it off and sometimes when I sit back down, i hurt more. I was so overwhelmed and was tempted to page you but didn’t want to bother you with my craziness. So many different pains and sensations were overloading me. It is a little better now but I still hurt. Every time I move pain shoots up again or feels like it is going to cramp, despite the 1 mg of Ativan I took at bedtime. I took 10 mg of baclofen to try and stop the twitching/cramps. Also took 1000 mg of magnesium. I think i need to increase taking the mag for a while. Just hope it doesn’t cause bowel problems. I’ve been leaking urine more so that has been fun. Need to shower more which is difficult when you can’t stand.
I ended the email here, telling her to delete it. I was very scared with all this. The skin issue really is gross. It doesn’t feel like my skin. Then I have a golf ball swelling of malleolus. I rubbed that tonight. It hurt so I stopped. I thought about using lidocaine but wasn’t sure if touching it would set off more twitching.
It is now 1 am. Every time I take off my glasses to lay down, I need to put them back on to read something. My eyesight is bad. I can no longer read my phone without my glasses. I have an upcoming eye appt. It is with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I miss him. I got to change the appt. I got so many calls to make tomorrow and I need to get my haircut. I am going to get a bald cut but leave the top like a flat top. I want to try and have spiked hair by the time my cousin’s wedding comes around in June, if I don’t kill myself from this fucking pain first. I still can’t believe the psychologist wanted to taper my fucking meds! Would he do the same to a diabetic on insulin? I mean seriously!! I am so annoyed. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my meds with this stupid opioid epidemic going on. Chronic pain patients are the ones that are going to be the genocide of the “epidemic”. Apparently politicians are taking away the 1st do no harm from docs by tying their hands. It is either don’t prescribe or lose your license. What kind of medicine is that?