Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 

Really steamed 

I posted on Twitter that my mother was mad at me for not helping with the dishes or laundry today. Sorry, I didn’t sleep all night and I was in a lot of pain. I was used to her calling me useless. But what got me distressed was her calling me “daughter”. Someone I don’t know responded saying she was a mother and it wouldn’t hurt for me to help her. WTF. I responded that I was upset because I was a transgendered male and my mother knows this. Plus I have debilitating pain so stop judging me, asshole. I blocked her after I sent the message as she followed me. Loser. 

I hate it when someone I don’t know responds to my tweets. I have no idea how Twitter works and how people who don’t follow you, sees your tweets. What a jerk. I am so mad.

I keep thinking I have nothing to do on Monday but I have therapy.  I might cancel as Tuesday is going to be a long day. I still got to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my meds. I don’t think I can fill them but I’m going to try. 

I took my night meds early and I’m still awake. My damn foot is hurting so bad. Maybe I will see my doc. I’ll call on Monday for an appt. Maybe something more than CRPS is going on. Not sure what as I haven’t done anything to injure my foot. I need to email the Neuro and find out what he plans on doing, if anything. I am going to ask him about ketamine infusions. That might help me. Might help the depression more. 

My psych responded to the email I sent her. She said maybe my mother and I can support each other. I don’t know how. I did help her up the stairs to her room. The couch didn’t help her back last night. My sisters were talking about putting a bed downstairs for her, especially if she gets her other knee replaced in Jan. I am kind of nervous about it as it will be done at a small hospital. I just worry that between her heart and diabetes, there might be unforeseen complications and the hosp might not be able to deal with it.

I am glad I have this blog to vent my worries and frustrations. Writing really helps.

Talking about Anger

Talking about Anger

I had therapy today and all we did was talk about my father and the stress of dealing with him. She read my blog I wrote about him the other day. She thought it was good that I was able to write about the anger of dealing with him because if I didn’t feel a sense of responsibility, I would just leave him. I could care less about what he going on. I don’t feel a connection to him. That connection has been severed a long time ago and never got reestablished.

We talked about how my ankle got messed up while walking with the wheelchair and how using my cane helps take the pressure off. She was annoyed that he needed a wheelchair instead of walking. It annoys me too but he wants the attention. She said that I should be in the chair instead of him. The guy only cares about himself.

We also talked briefly about my mother’s health issues and how it’s stressing my sisters and I out. My mother just has her own way of doing things in regard to her health. I know she thinks she is a burden to us but that isn’t the truth. She is just sick of being sick and in pain all the time. But she doesn’t do anything to help herself either. It’s just annoying and it’s only going to get worse as she gets older.

My therapist just wants me basically to stay in bed to rest my ankle. She encouraged me to write about my anger but I fear that it will be taken the wrong way so you may see more password protected posts. She also wants me to read and do stuff that doesn’t involve me walking around. I haven’t had lunch yet. I haven’t decided what I want. I have a few choices and that is the problem.

My therapist was vocal throughout the session, though she did listen when I was telling the story of how Thursday night went. I told her I was so aggravated with him that I didn’t get something to eat like I wanted to. She wasn’t happy about this. I don’t even remember if I bitched to my mother about him that night.

What really got me really pissed off and still does is the “concern” my aunt has for my father. She would rather piss on his grave than think more of him. Now that he is sick, she is “concerned”. It’s bullshit. She just wants to be in the loop to she can talk about him behind his back. I hate this aunt because she is just two faced. I don’t see her often and rarely see her at her house. The only time I will be at her house is if my mother is there and she needs something or I need something from her. It just pisses me off.

My therapist did talk about the safety planning thing that I wrote about. And she said that we didn’t have one in a long time. I told her I would bring the sheet the next time I saw her, which probably won’t be until the end of the month. She asked me when I was seeing my psychiatrist and I said I don’t have a time. This is the problem I have when I cancel a time with her. Trying to get another appointment takes several emails. I emailed her last night but haven’t heard back from her, yet. I said in the email that by the time the 15th rolled around I would need refills so I would like to see her by then. After the 15th is when things go back to normal for me. I am not spending all my time with my bastard father.

I need to see my father earlier than usual tomorrow before his appointment as my sister is taking us to the appointment. I figure I do his meds before we leave so that I didn’t have to do it after. I can just go home after the appointment.

I will have another rest day on Thursday. I also have therapy because I can’t have it tomorrow. I told my therapist about my panic attack that I had yesterday. I told her I took my pain pill soon as I got home and she asked if I took some Ativan as well. I told her I did because my chest was hurting and I was still having palpitations. I just get nervous when I am on the bus and the entrance or exit is crowded. More so if the entrance is blocked because I usually exit the bus that way. But it was the last straw for me having to deal with. My foot swelled up twice the size of my other foot last night and it was hurting like a SOB. CRPS in action. This is why my doctors don’t think I have CRPS because they don’t see me at night when these things happen. It took a while for me to get comfy and to get to sleep last night because of pain. I still woke up around 0400. I stayed up for a little bit went back to sleep and then woke up two hours later. I had breakfast at 0800 and then went back to sleep. I woke up around 1130 and made coffee. Now I am just going to make lunch and then read some Harry Potter so I can dissociate.