Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

Quote of the Day 29 Oct 2015

The primary thought disorder in suicide is that of a pathological narrowing of the mind’s focus, called constriction, which takes the form of seeing only two choices: either something painfully unsatisfactory or cessation. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache


Since last night, I have had the delusion that Voldemort, the evil character in Harry Potter, is my new best friend. He has been talking incessantly to me and I feel his gloomy presence everywhere. He hasn’t really “talked” to me but I know he is watching me with his scanty eyes. I told my therapist today about him as I am not sure what to do other than to take my meds. I feel anxious and paranoid but the presence isn’t allowing me to take my meds to calm down. I emailed my doc but still have not heard from her as of yet. If I don’t get a response by tomorrow, I will page her. I just hope she doesn’t want me to go in the hospital. I hate it because it disrupts my routine. Instead of taking my meds when I want, they decide what time I take it. And to get it changed is a big hassle because the orders don’t go in right away. It is annoying. Then you have to deal with groups and shit. I hate dealing with their groups because they mostly deal with stupid DBT (dialectical behavior therapy, or as I like to call it dialectical bullshit therapy).
Reformatted my laptop today and was able to install most of the updates but still cannot install IE9. It is pissing me off that I can’t because the stupid updates won’t give me the service pack that I need. Scratch that. I just checked and I have 126 updates in addition to the 118 I already installed. It’s going to take me all night to do this. Another fricken reason why I hate reformatting. It takes days to get caught up. But I have installed my new Office 2010. It is an upgrade over Office 2007.
Saw my therapist today for the first time in six months. I finally woke up early enough to get my sister’s car and drive out to Framingham, thirty miles away from where I live. I used to go out there all the time but since my car broke down, it is next to impossible to visit the suburbs. Plus, her location is not near any kind of public transportation, even though Framingham does have a commuter rail there is no way I can walk to her office because it’s over a mile away and taking a taxi would be too expensive.
I started a new diet regimen today. A friend posted about Raspberry Ketones and wanted to try it. It is all natural and is supposed to help your metabolism burn fat. From what I read the stuff can make you energetic so I have decided to take just one capsule a day for now to see how it makes me feel. So far I don’t feel so energetic, but then I have been up since 6 A.M. My ankle had been acting up so I took a pain pill. Now I am ready to fall asleep.
It’s weird that this is the second time after a severe bout of depression I became psychotic. I don’t like being crazy but it feel pretty awesome detracting from reality. I am not high or euphoric or anything of the sort. I just have this unrealness that I feel, that everything is not real. And the background noise in my head is always going on. I have to keep playing music because it is the only thing that distracts me from my thoughts. Course the draw back is that I am hearing music all the time even if the radio or my MP3 playing isn’t playing. I kid you not. A song will be stuck in my head and I will have to play it in realness or it will haunt me until I do, or play another song to get it out of my head. There is meaning in the words of these songs and it kind of is disturbing me. But then I am used to it.