Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

Still emotional, thanks gender dysphoria

My pcp is still a dickhead. I asked him if he would fill my female hormones and his nurse said sure what is it. I answered now I have to see the repro endo doc. He doesn’t want to do it. Fucking asshole. I’m still a wreck from yesterday and hate, absolutely HATE having to still take these hormones because my Testosterone therapy got pushed back because of him. Almost a year now he has been dicking me around, one thing after another. I am so sick of it. Am I supposed to just see him for cough and colds? It is looking that way. I don’t need a referral for my insurance so if I want to see a specialist, I am just going to. No point in seeing him first. Just a waste of time I could use to make an appt with the specialist.

Saw the pain program doc today. He is okay. Can’t comment more as all he did was repeat my medical history and type really fast. He wants me to continue to see my pain doc and I told him I might not as he is reluctant to increase my meds to give me some quality of life. How I am supposed to work in this program with horrendous pain, I have no clue. I also need to get a PT eval for my thigh as the program PT is 2 months away. I can’t wait that long. I am going to email my current PT and see what she says but I don’t think I can see two PTs at once. So fucking frustrating.

I had to make a pit stop to the Square because the bus that would take me home was longer than the bus to the square. I don’t care, though my sprain ankle is hurting. I didn’t wear the brace because I didn’t want to be bothered taking off two braces. I’m wearing 2 different sneaks and don’t fucking care.

I had a snickers latte today because I need it goddamn it!! Also had something to eat because of the emotional stuff. I feel better now. I need some protein bars. Getting irrational when I don’t eat is getting more frequent. Hope my diabetes test comes back within normal limits. My psych ordered it but I haven’t had a chance to get it drawn yet. Might get it done tomorrow if I am not up at the crack of dawn. My therapist is back from vaca. I see him tomorrow and I can’t wait. Got a lot to talk about.

My mother needed some things today so as I am out, I got to get them for her. I am going by that way so no big deal. I will get some protein bars with her cash as I am broke until tomorrow.

When i see my psych next i am going to ask her if i can go back to the LGBT clinic for T therapy. I just hope i don’t have to start the whole process over. It will send me over the fucking edge.

sense of humor keeping me alive?

Sense of humor keeping me alive?

Been thinking about this today.. I was at an interview meeting for first year medical students and I remember joking a lot with the interviewer. I was talking about serious stuff, like my suicide and transgender issues and I kept thinking why is every one laughing. I was laughing at myself, but inside. The voices were watching me and I could tell they were not pleased. They always get nervous when I tell people my most personal thoughts. I guess they get jealous when I tell people outside because the voices are lonely and they need me to continue to talk to them to exist. I have not been faithful with my medication the past few days. I find that my mind is better for writing when I am not medicated than when I am. It truly sucks trying to write and you can’t because the thoughts just are not flowing.

I began reading a book on sibling suicide written by a friend of mine. I had no idea how suicide affected siblings. I never thought about how my sisters would react to my death if I died by my own hand. I was more afraid of their children’s grief than theirs. I guess you can say I am too old to kill myself but that does not mean I want to live. I am forced to live because of my responsibilities to others. That is why I am still here. I can joke about suicide and suicidal thinking, because it is who I am. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet and I am betting not a single person on facebook responds to it. I know I post a lot of statuses. It is because I am bored most of the time and have to tell people what I am doing like they really care. I find that less meaningful statuses draw more attention than serious ones. I don’t know why that seems important to me but I have noticed it. Very rarely do my family members respond. Usually my friends do. Even those that are across the pond will respond. I know that not everyone can respond to each of my twenty or more statuses but the ones that mean the most to me are the ones that I find the most painful. I complain a lot about being in chronic pain. I use my Facebook status to vent about how awful I feel, both physically and mentally. It is very rare that I will post I am having a good day. The days last week are gone and I doubt they will happen again. I feel like my air has been let out of the balloon and now I am back to my usual level of depression.

Today I had a migraine. It was really bright outside and I resented having to go out to this meeting but I agreed and I always hold up to my commitments no matter how bad I was feeling. In this meeting I divulged more than I should have and I think that is why I am feeling very terrible now. I can’t shut up the voices in my head. They have been chattering non-stop since I have come home. I have been trying to read to drown them out but it does no good. They keep telling me I am a loser and won’t amount to a thing. That the book deal with my friend will never happen, that it was a joke to start with and I am starting to believe them because why would someone want to hear my voice? What makes me so damn special that others want to know my struggles with depression and suicide and being a transgender or being homosexual? But am I really homosexual if I am a guy and like women? I am so confused!!! I just want to fricken die rather than deal with this stuff. I know that I must continue to live to make others happen but it’s killing me to struggle every damn day, whether I pee my pants, crap my pants, am in chronic pain with my stupid ankle or have the nerve pain from hell or just have the biggest psychache in the world for no reason other than I am not who I am. I am a guy trapped in a woman’s body and it is killing me to be this way.

Weather, Baseball, and Mood

10-Sept-12

People often wonder if the weather affects one’s mood. From my experience since having an arthritic spine and suffering from mental illness, weather can certainly affect both. On sunny days, my pain from arthritis is less when the temp is between 40-60 degrees. I tend to like colder weather than hot/warm. I am a New Englander, born and raised in Boston so adapting to temperature fluctuations is a necessity. It might be 50 degrees one day and 70 degrees the next. Although I try to keep track of baramotric pressure, pain is usually my gauge.  The day before thunderstorms I am stuff and will have right hip pain, sometime with pain down the legs.

My mood on the other hand is quite the opposite of what the weather will be. On sunny days I am gloomy and downhearted. Mostly because I do not like bright sunshine. It can cause me to get a migraine just on the brightness alone. On these days I tend to stay in bed or my room because artificial light doesn’t affect me as much as real light does. Being outside on bright days always makes me feel down for some reason. Soon as it’s cloudy my mood will brighten even if my pain is increased. Sometimes when it’s cold and damp I can be in a bad mood but only because my pain levels have spiked and usually because I am incapacitated by it. It’s no fun having to stay in bed when you want to go out because you can’t move.

But I have found that despite this, sometimes moving about is a good thing. I used to and still love walking in the rain. I;, more apt to go out on a dreary rainy day because it compliments my mood. Gray skies and overcast always makes me feel less gloomy. Granted I am not a happy person. Happiness, like sadness, is a feeling that is likely to dissipate with time. Contentment on the other hand is what I strive for because it’s more realistic than the despair and anguish that depression and suicidality brings. Relatively few things make me happy. A nice mocha latte from Starbucks with toffee nut and caramel, my Red Sox boys in a winning year (this year is gone baby gone), and baseball season. I have noticed a correlation between the end of baseball season (end of world series or Sox season) with sadness more than any other time of the year, that is until Feb when baseball season starts to begin to get underway. Some people will call this SAD but SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder) is usually between Nov-April. My depression increases the beginning of Oct (when the sox play their last game) through mid February, which is outside the SAD parameters. So I have what is called BAD-> Baseball Affective Disorder or BDD-Baseball Depressive Disorder. Neither of these diagnoses will unfortunately make its way to the DSM-V (diagnostical statistical manual). Baseball just is not worthy enough to be classified as a major or minor mental disorder. That truly is sad. My psychiatrist agrees with me as what do you do when baseball season is over? How do you survive until spring training? Five months is a long time to go without this wonderful past time.

What I find exciting is you never know what the pitcher is going to throw. He may hit the player, catcher, or umpire. The ball might be foul, a hit, or a pop out. This is what keeps me sane, Baseball is my livelihood because it is America’s past time. No baseball and my already sucky mood becomes gloomier than a rained out game. On the days my Sox are not playing I will watch whatever game is on. Even if it is the stupid Yankees or as Red Sox Nation calls then, the Skankees, well maybe not all of Red Sox Nation, just me.

But I digress from my original line of mood and weather. I know most people love sunshine and hear but I don’t. Give me a cold gloomy day and I will be happier than a pig in mud. Take today. It was bright when I left the house at 9 am this morning. Then by noon it started getting cloudy and looked like it was going to rain. When the first rays of light came through my window I was very grumpy. I didn’t want to get out of bed. When I did, I grumbled, didn’t even take a shower, wanted to end my life and despite all that still got dressed and left my house. When noon rolled around and saw that it was getting cloudy my mood shifted and I felt relief. My contentment come back. I was as grumpy and could face the rest of the day. The temperature was neither cold nor hot, probably in the mid 60s and it was windy. Sunlight and me do not get along. It really makes me depressed where as a cloudy sky will make me happy. And when you have major depression, you will take any happiness you can get, even if it is on a cloudy cold day.