Category: psychosis

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychosis

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

When they say you aren’t alone but you really are…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

Past few months I’ve planned my ending. Now the time has come and it all comes down to me as to whether I go through with it. Sure, I unexpectedly got my pain meds that I waited 9 months for. But I am still in pain. Meds aren’t touching flares or making them bearable.

My lower body hurts. Legs feel like cement some days and because my legs are usually bent on the bed, they don’t want to stretch when I stand. And it hurts so much trying to walk just to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Sometimes walking helps but I got to walk hunched over because being fully erect is too much pain. It just isn’t comfortable.

Foot is going berserk. So fucking tired of being on pain. Half my foot from third toe down my ankle joint outward is being ripped apart or cut open. It wants to be separated. I hate this feeling and nothing helps me. I am so fucking annoyed!! Flares have a mind of their own. This one started with my pinkie and got worse from there. Midnight has struck. I want to fucking sleep. Chloral hydrate?

I feel like I should email my dark thoughts to my psychiatrist to let her know what is going on. I don’t know if she will respond, if she will tell me to go to the hospital (not an option and I will fight it), or she will want to see me ASAP. My therapist is on vacation. He doesn’t have a clue.

See, here is the thing. I’ve been chronically suicidal for years. I spent the last few months of 1994 in the hospital. I had one attempt in the beginning of November and I didn’t get out until mid January. Basically, I had to cover up my feelings to get out. I was close to being committed to a state hospital at the age of 19. I didn’t care because my depression made me feel so worthless that nothing was going to keep me here. But eventually by stuffing the darkness, I was let out to go to college. I earned my degree, found a stable job that I didn’t go to school for. And then tried to back to earn my bachelor’s degree only to suffer a psychotic episode that I never recovered from until months later on the right meds.

All that time, my suicidality fluctuated. I had a serious depressive episode in 2005. Things sort of got better in 2006. Two years later was the psychotic episode and I had to quit college. 4 years later I had a condition known as complex regional pain syndrome and that threw me on the disability table. Now I feel my life is over and I have a plan on ending it soon. I planned it back in March. I really was going to end it June 30th. But things happen and I push it back. Then pushed it back again. Now I am on the cusp and I don’t know what to do.

People always say you aren’t alone, but the truth is, when you are an attempt survivor, you are. You know what to say to get in and out of hospitals and what to say to avoid them. But the thoughts remain. They still circle your brain. And when you are in severe pain, you want to end it now. But patience is needed. I can’t end it on my bed for a family member to find me. I have a location in mind. I am scared of myself and omg what if I do die. If I succeed. Failure has happened and prevented me from attempting again. Now I am wanting to try again. I have no idea if I will succeed.

No one wants to hear me out. Soon as I say I want to end my life, people panic. They get angry. They tell you stuff that makes you feel guilty. And then you think why bother. Just go on suffering for THEM. So they don’t feel the pain you go through every single day. I’ve been doing this for years. My previous therapist prevented so many dates that could have been attempts. Sometimes I was hospitalized. Sometimes I just had more contact with her and or my psychiatrist.

I wish I could say I gave a fuck. But I am tired of hurting so damn much in the midnight hours of hell. When the midnight demons come out in me. I am a dark person. I pretend to be happy, to get along with everyone. That is what is expected of me. It hurts me to see others hurt. I’ve always been an emotionally sensitive person.

I have no idea if what the hell I am writing makes sense. I had to get the thoughts out of my head. It is going to be a flip of the coin the day of my doom. Imagine that. A coin having the power to live or die. I am pathetic.

paranoia and other fun things, not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Paranoia and other fun things, not

I met with my therapist today and told him that I have been increasingly paranoid the last few days. I am not sure if it started with my email being hacked or not. I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watched by someone/thing. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I also have been feeling like my psychiatrist and PCP have been conspiring against me and putting things in my medical record as well as watching me. When I told him, he thought my meds should be tweaked and I should call my psychiatrist. I was scared of calling her, because she is out to get me. I said I would when I got home.

I came home and got a dizzy attack. I think it is probably because I am dehydrated because despite it being cold, I have been sweating. I wore a heavy sweatshirt and when I walk, I just sweat. I was expecting it to snow or rain so wore my winter jacket. I was also roasting in my therapist’s office. It was way too warm. I broke down and called my psychiatrist. I didn’t want to email her because I knew that would feed into my delusion of her feeding my medical records. She called back and we talked. She told me she wasn’t watching me or adding stuff to my medical record. I felt a little better but wasn’t 100% convinced. She didn’t want to do anything med wise but wants me to call her in a few days. I am tempted to take some trilafon but that hasn’t helped with paranoia at all. Helps with my delusion and voices but not the paranoia. I really don’t want to increase the Invega anyways because that will just mean weight gain. I still haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained since starting it. Course I haven’t really tried either. But that is another story.

I haven’t had dinner yet. My mother called me when I got to the station just as a train was pulling in asking when I would be home. I told her I was on my way home and she said dinner was ready. That’s nice. Least I will have food when I am hungry later. I think once the dizzy spell subsides, I might be hungry.

I’m feeling really scared because of this feeling of being watched, even when I am alone in my room. I am tempted to close the window and drapes but then it will get hot in my room. I really hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. Music has been helping as a sort of background noise for me. I don’t know why, but it helps. I guess it just takes my mind off the feeling and I feel something else through the music. I think it’s kind of weird that since this has started, the music stuff that normally plays in my head has stopped or isn’t as loud as it was. My voices have stayed the same, no new ones. I hope that doesn’t change. It’s awful feeling like you are being monitored, even when you are alone. I might close the window and just turn on the ceiling fan. There has been a weird light that shines in my room and then goes off which hasn’t helped my suspicions.

I need to go to the LGBT website to see if there are papers I need filled out before my appointment with their doctor. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I see him. It felt so far away before but now is becoming a reality. I just hope there isn’t some medical or psych reason to prevent me getting testosterone. I can’t live in the body like it is. It is driving me crazy because I feel like a man and stuff and then I look at my chest and it just crushes me. It hurts so bad inside and makes me just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know I won’t be able to handle any rejection about this. It will kill me. But I am trying not to think about it or it may feed into my paranoia. Last thing I need is to reschedule the appt because of a hospitalization so I hope this passes soon or at least doesn’t get worse.

Saturday blog 86

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Very dull day on the unit. The new med made me so hungover that I slept through the only group today. I think I have a uti so I saw medical. They are not doing a culture which I think is dumb. They are putting me on some med that will make it hurt less to pee. I also asked for some miralax as I haven’t moved my bowels the last few days. Taking the strong pain med has really shut things down.

I’m hoping a friend visits today but I haven’t heard from her so it may not happen. I think today is my aunt’s party so I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my family today until tonight.

I’ve been writing in my journal as nothing else has come up. I’ve sort of had a writing itch but things have been cloudy with the meds. Today has been really tough getting going. I hope the hangover feeling goes away.

One of my favorite staff members is on tonight. I had tried to send her a copy of my book but there was new policies in place so staff can’t get mail from pts anymore. Told her she would have to buy my book now. Haha.

I’m trying hard to stay awake but it’s hard. I want to nap so bad. I had sent an email to my therapist telling him I wasn’t happy with what he told the social worker yesterday. I think I need to find a new therapist. I tried to find the email my psych had sent me but my phone is unable to retrieve it. I put it in one folder and nothing is coming up when I access it.

I’m pretty bored. I might start a book on my kindle or read some Dostoevsky. But I’m going to watch the Sox. That will keep me occupied for a while. Unfortunately it is too loud where the tv is. I can’t hear the game. Annoying. But I can’t tell the other pts to be quiet. I’ll just follow it on twitter. Besides, the announcers are annoying me.
I’m starting to finally wake up and my brain is on fire. Fuck. Was hoping it would stay quiet.

Pain has been up and down today. I had a brief surge of pain while in my room but it quieted down. I hope that is the only flare I have today. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill.