Possibly last day in hospital 

I met with my treatment team this morning. They wanted to know how I was doing. I was not in the mood to placate them so told them I had been suicidal and stuff. They kind of wanted a guarantee I was going to be safe but I couldn’t tell them that definitively. So the plan is to be discharged tomorrow. 

That was all well and good until around 1330.  My ankle exploded and I purchased my method. Fuck living the rest of my life with this condition. I cancelled therapy with my therapist on Monday. I’m still debating to do the same with my psych on Friday. I just don’t want to live anymore.

I have been staying in my room most of the day. I’m in too much pain to socialize. I have decided not to go to any groups today. I just can’t sit that long. I also can’t stand that the group leader is late. It’s just one of my pet peeves.

After making my purchase, I told staff I wanted to die. Nothing got done about it. I hate this place. I’m just being babysat at this point. I really don’t see how staying here can help me. I really want to be in my own bed with freezing cold AC. I still haven’t figured out how I’m getting home, if they discharge me. I don’t ever think I have been this suicidal over a pain flare before.

I have been trying to nap for most of the day without success. Too much noise is going on the unit and checks keep knocking on my door. So annoying.

I have been snacking the past hour or so. One of the patient’s mother brought in fruit so I’ve been having that. I also had some graham crackers.

I’ve been open with staff about my suicidality. But like always, they don’t take chronicity seriously. Oh well. If I see my psych on Friday, i will let her know. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Being in chronic pain just sucks the life out of you. It is so draining. I really thought I wouldn’t have a flare while I was in the hospital. Man was I wrong. I just want to be home so I can take my neurontin as I please and use the lidocaine cream, which they don’t have here. I really could have used it last night. I honestly have no idea how I slept till 0500 as the pain was horrible. But cramps woke me up. That is so fun.

I want to shower but I can’t because I hurt so bad. Maybe tomorrow morning. 

Saturday blog 86

Very dull day on the unit. The new med made me so hungover that I slept through the only group today. I think I have a uti so I saw medical. They are not doing a culture which I think is dumb. They are putting me on some med that will make it hurt less to pee. I also asked for some miralax as I haven’t moved my bowels the last few days. Taking the strong pain med has really shut things down.

I’m hoping a friend visits today but I haven’t heard from her so it may not happen. I think today is my aunt’s party so I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my family today until tonight.

I’ve been writing in my journal as nothing else has come up. I’ve sort of had a writing itch but things have been cloudy with the meds. Today has been really tough getting going. I hope the hangover feeling goes away.

One of my favorite staff members is on tonight. I had tried to send her a copy of my book but there was new policies in place so staff can’t get mail from pts anymore. Told her she would have to buy my book now. Haha.

I’m trying hard to stay awake but it’s hard. I want to nap so bad. I had sent an email to my therapist telling him I wasn’t happy with what he told the social worker yesterday. I think I need to find a new therapist. I tried to find the email my psych had sent me but my phone is unable to retrieve it. I put it in one folder and nothing is coming up when I access it.

I’m pretty bored. I might start a book on my kindle or read some Dostoevsky. But I’m going to watch the Sox. That will keep me occupied for a while. Unfortunately it is too loud where the tv is. I can’t hear the game. Annoying. But I can’t tell the other pts to be quiet. I’ll just follow it on twitter. Besides, the announcers are annoying me.
I’m starting to finally wake up and my brain is on fire. Fuck. Was hoping it would stay quiet.

Pain has been up and down today. I had a brief surge of pain while in my room but it quieted down. I hope that is the only flare I have today. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill.