Possibly last day in hospital 

I met with my treatment team this morning. They wanted to know how I was doing. I was not in the mood to placate them so told them I had been suicidal and stuff. They kind of wanted a guarantee I was going to be safe but I couldn’t tell them that definitively. So the plan is to be discharged tomorrow. 

That was all well and good until around 1330.  My ankle exploded and I purchased my method. Fuck living the rest of my life with this condition. I cancelled therapy with my therapist on Monday. I’m still debating to do the same with my psych on Friday. I just don’t want to live anymore.

I have been staying in my room most of the day. I’m in too much pain to socialize. I have decided not to go to any groups today. I just can’t sit that long. I also can’t stand that the group leader is late. It’s just one of my pet peeves.

After making my purchase, I told staff I wanted to die. Nothing got done about it. I hate this place. I’m just being babysat at this point. I really don’t see how staying here can help me. I really want to be in my own bed with freezing cold AC. I still haven’t figured out how I’m getting home, if they discharge me. I don’t ever think I have been this suicidal over a pain flare before.

I have been trying to nap for most of the day without success. Too much noise is going on the unit and checks keep knocking on my door. So annoying.

I have been snacking the past hour or so. One of the patient’s mother brought in fruit so I’ve been having that. I also had some graham crackers.

I’ve been open with staff about my suicidality. But like always, they don’t take chronicity seriously. Oh well. If I see my psych on Friday, i will let her know. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Being in chronic pain just sucks the life out of you. It is so draining. I really thought I wouldn’t have a flare while I was in the hospital. Man was I wrong. I just want to be home so I can take my neurontin as I please and use the lidocaine cream, which they don’t have here. I really could have used it last night. I honestly have no idea how I slept till 0500 as the pain was horrible. But cramps woke me up. That is so fun.

I want to shower but I can’t because I hurt so bad. Maybe tomorrow morning. 

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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