Possibly last day in hospital 

I met with my treatment team this morning. They wanted to know how I was doing. I was not in the mood to placate them so told them I had been suicidal and stuff. They kind of wanted a guarantee I was going to be safe but I couldn’t tell them that definitively. So the plan is to be discharged tomorrow. 

That was all well and good until around 1330.  My ankle exploded and I purchased my method. Fuck living the rest of my life with this condition. I cancelled therapy with my therapist on Monday. I’m still debating to do the same with my psych on Friday. I just don’t want to live anymore.

I have been staying in my room most of the day. I’m in too much pain to socialize. I have decided not to go to any groups today. I just can’t sit that long. I also can’t stand that the group leader is late. It’s just one of my pet peeves.

After making my purchase, I told staff I wanted to die. Nothing got done about it. I hate this place. I’m just being babysat at this point. I really don’t see how staying here can help me. I really want to be in my own bed with freezing cold AC. I still haven’t figured out how I’m getting home, if they discharge me. I don’t ever think I have been this suicidal over a pain flare before.

I have been trying to nap for most of the day without success. Too much noise is going on the unit and checks keep knocking on my door. So annoying.

I have been snacking the past hour or so. One of the patient’s mother brought in fruit so I’ve been having that. I also had some graham crackers.

I’ve been open with staff about my suicidality. But like always, they don’t take chronicity seriously. Oh well. If I see my psych on Friday, i will let her know. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Being in chronic pain just sucks the life out of you. It is so draining. I really thought I wouldn’t have a flare while I was in the hospital. Man was I wrong. I just want to be home so I can take my neurontin as I please and use the lidocaine cream, which they don’t have here. I really could have used it last night. I honestly have no idea how I slept till 0500 as the pain was horrible. But cramps woke me up. That is so fun.

I want to shower but I can’t because I hurt so bad. Maybe tomorrow morning. 

any thoughts?

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