Another day, another night of pain, another…

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I got hit with pain and it kept me up. I fell asleep some time before 0200. I was listening to Taylor Swift on my headphones to help distract. I some how fell asleep and woke up in the sitting position. I took the headphones off and laid down. The pain was better by then. Though it came back a few hours later and I needed more meds around 0530. 

I didn’t want to get up this morning. I had some breakfast and got my meds and stupid vitals. One of the mental health counselors yelled at me for not getting my vitals before my meds. Tough shit. 

I was kind of in a haze for most of the day. I went to group therapy. I tried to pick other patients brains on coping stuff but they all told me things I already tried. It was worth a shot. Then my team called me from group so we met. The social worker wanted to know more about my suicidal urges and I told her pain exacerbates it. The doc didn’t say too much. Just went over the med changes the covering doc did yesterday. He wanted a tentative discharge date so we are shooting for Thursday. I’m kind of mixed on it because I fear I will be more apt to buy my new method while in a flare than not. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it but I could. I keep fantasizing my death, though. Been doing it for months so I don’t think more time in the hospital will change that.

I put in a request for an appt at another therapy center. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I’d like to see if I can find another therapist. I really don’t think it is going to work out with the guy I am seeing now. He is just annoying me more than helping me.

I am feeling kind of dizzy after I had my dinner. The contact person thinks it’s because I didn’t drink enough today. I hope it’s not a withdrawal from my other antipsychotic. That would suck. They stopped it as of last night. Other than that, i have no idea why I could be dizzy.

I talked to my mom tonight. We talked in general terms like we always do. She wanted to know if the docs here are helping with my pain. I told her no one knows my condition as I’ve had to explain it to practically everyone. No one gets CRPS. She asked why and I told her it was a psych unit not a medical one. She doesn’t understand the difference. 

I’m hoping the storms don’t kill me tonight. My pain has been up and down all day. It’s really muggy outside and it is stuffy on the unit. It just started raining now. Hope it cools off some.

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