Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

Today is officially the worst day ever. I’ve been in pain since 5 am. I woke up with cramps in my foot. On and off, the pain has been fluctuating bad to worse and worse to really worse. Around 2000, I could take my night meds. It was too early for my pain meds, but least I could give them a chance to work while waiting. I was walking to the nurses station with my flavored water when my ankle said, fuck you. I was stuck. I needed one of the nurses to help me. The pain was intense. I couldn’t bear weight on it anymore. 

I asked the nurse to get my AFO for me to walk to get my meds. I really became suicidal. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I was so tired of being in pain all day. I met with my contact person and told him I was planning. It’s the only thing that helps me get through these bouts. It’s my coping mechanism. Might not be the best but oh,well. I really wish the nurses could take your meds to your room like a medical floor. I’m always at the end of the hall. Fucking sucks.

I’m sending jokes to another patient via text. Just something to do until meds kick in. I have a movie I kind of want to watch. Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg star in it. I’m not a fan of Farrell. He annoys me. So I’m hesitant to watch it.

I hope to be discharged tomorrow. I want my meds at my bedside where I don’t have to walk or use a bloody computer system to give me my meds. I have been keeping a spreadsheet of what time I take my meds and how many pills I take. Just to keep track. Usually I use an app but the app doesn’t list the doses taken in a day. I find it’s helping me be more conscious of the number of pills I take in a day. The app doesn’t tell me that information.

One of my friends pissed me off today. She tends to act like a mother hen and today was not the day. I told her I was possibly getting discharged tomorrow and she asked me the same questions everyone has today, Are you ready and are you safe. I blew up and told her she wasn’t my therapist and I wasn’t going to answer. She then says I’m bitchy. Whatever I replied. Then she said I hurt her. She does this every time I stick up for myself. Screw her.I’m tired of her shit.

Ankle and foot is acting up. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or it’s going to suck tomorrow.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

  1. G. Collerone says:

    I did and am home now!

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    so sorry you had such a tought day hun. I hope you do get discharged today. Thinking of you. xx

  3. G. Collerone says:

    This is my blog and I write what I want. It’s how I feel and it is the only place I can express myself. My writing is for me. If this bothers you, stop reading my blog. I am always ambivalent about being in the hospital. It is tough to be here as there are.rules and I don’t like being told what to do and when to do it. You need a doctor’s order for practically every thing. It gets frustrating after a while so of course, I don’t want to be here.

  4. Maria says:

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time and feel like your friend is not supporting you. In all the time I have been reading your blog I have noticed you always lash out at anyone you feel is not saying what you want to hear. The minute you get in the hospital you want out and I wonder if it is really helpful at all or just further distresses you. I understand a chronic and painful physical condition coupled with mental illness is a great deal for one person to face day in and day out. And I wish your family would support and embrace you and your desire to transition. I do believe that would be a wonderful rebirth for you. But I also wish you would give some credence to changing your mindset. You are the master of your own destiny. I know rejection is unbearable. I have faced my fair share. Find the courage to be your authentic self and take the steps to transition. It will be freeing for you. And work on finding the positive in life. It is there. Try not to dwell on the negative. Just reframe the thought. Wishing you the best life has to offer.

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