I had a dream that I was a sniper and my mission was to kill my father. It was the freakiest dream I ever had. As he was coming into range, I was placing a bullet in the chamber of the rifle. Then I woke up. I was drenched in sweat. The whole dream was about guns and loading them. Talk about weird things.
I don’t know what to make of the dream. Maybe my therapist and I can sort it out when I talk to her next week. I hope I never have another dream like that again. It felt so real, yet it also felt like I was on a show as I could hear the audience oooing and ahhing as I was placing the bullet. Just fucking weird.
Now it’s almost 0200 and I can’t go back to sleep because I feel like a murderer even though I didn’t do anything. It was just a dream. I know before falling asleep last night I was thinking of my father’s rifle and how he is never going to be able to get it back. It will forever be in a police lock up place. Yes, my father owns a gun. He has had this rifle since I was a kid. He never showed us how to use it or anything of the sort but we knew he would use it for hunting wild game. He liked to shoot pheasants, rabbits, and other game. He never shot big animals like deer, least not that I know of. This was the same gun that he used to almost kill someone in my family more than 20 years ago. The gun was never fired or pointed, but it was loaded. I saw that it was. I remember it as clear as day.
It’s never good to remember this stuff at this hour. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of that night. Almost like I had a flashback or intrusive memory coming at me. I went through this all last month. Now it seems that I am going to go through it tonight. Think I will take some Ativan and see if that helps stop the terror. It’s always amazes me that something that happened more than 20 years ago still affects me today. The thoughts and feeling of that night coming back to haunt me. I guess no matter what, you will always remember traumatizing nights. I just wish it would have happened at an hour that I could call my therapist to talk to her. I also feel like taking a trilafon so that I can be numbed out. It will kill the voices though and I am not sure I want that. But the drug will scramble my thoughts and make them less scary. I’ll see of the Ativan takes care of things first and then if I need to, I will take the trilafon.