weight and other things

Weight and other things

I had therapy today. We talked about my father’s prognosis for a little bit and then she asked me about the weight issues. I read to her what I wrote last night about the issues. I haven’t gained that much weight back since eating regularly, but I think I am still eating less than or close to 1000 calories a day. I told her it was all or nothing with my eating and then we got to how my father perceives me as ugly and fat. He has stopped calling me this the last few years when my sister yelled at him for it. I have always been on the heavy side growing up, not obese like I am now, but 10-30 pounds overweight. Now I am a lot more than that. Meds have played a significant factor as the paxil caused me to gain nearly 20 pounds and it took a lot of work just to lose 10 of those suckers. I have always been careless about my eating habits. I know I don’t eat healthy and I am not trying to be healthy, but I am trying to reach a goal weight so I am taking advantage of the low appetite to do that. I am eating, just small meals, like a bowl of cereal or half a sandwich. It’s really all I can eat anyways. I don’t remember the last time I made an egg for breakfast. I just eat whatever, at home though. I don’t eat out, except to have the pastrami subs. Getting Pastrami at the deli isn’t the same.

I visited my father though I really didn’t want to. It really bothers me seeing him so sick and lifeless. Today he was more with it than in the last previous days so that was good. He still isn’t talkative and he does mumble a bit. He ate a pear today with some home made pasta my sister brought him. He didn’t drink the Ensure so I had the half my sister didn’t pour in a cup. The only good news is that his neuropathy is gone as mysteriously as it came.

My therapist almost had a field day on me today because she felt like she found the “gold mine” to my problems. Most of it has to do with how I view myself and how my father perceives me. I still hear his voice calling me ugly and fat. It’s going to take some work to undo that damage. I told her how my niece called me “beautiful” and I wanted to scream at her that I wasn’t. I really wanted to go off on her and correct her that I wasn’t. I didn’t because my niece would have been hurt and confused. Didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel this way. I know I have body image issues and gender dysphoria that plays into the weight thing. I feel ugly so I feel that I should be fat. But with me losing weight, that part of me is losing its power and it’s scaring me. If I reach my target weight, I am not sure how I will feel.

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