Rainy Day in Boston

Rainy Day in Boston

I had an aggravating day and the rain didn’t make things better. I don’t know why I don’t carry my pain meds on me when I know I am going to be out of the house for more than a few hours. I was at the hospital visiting my father because the social worker was suppose to come by between 11-1130. I wanted to be there because we had some things to discuss. 1230 comes by, nothing. 1330 comes by, nothing. Another hour passes and I am pissed now. The nurse finally got a hold of her for our concerns and the paperwork we needed. The idiot gave me the stupid run around about the health care proxy. I was supposed to give it to her was my understanding but she said the social worker needed it so that was what I was waiting for. Soon after that, my sisters got my father all riled up and I took that cue to fucking leave. My foot was ready to explode in pain and I wanted to be close to home when it did.

Except when I was close to home, my sister said I needed to fill out some more paperwork and had to go back to the hospital. I was cursing. My foot was cursing. The three metatarsals that always give me grief in the rain exploded and I had to limp back to the hospital and the care unit where my father was. It was the longest walk I ever walked. Then of course, I had to walk the same way back to the train station. I am in so much pain and the rain is not helping me out one bit despite the temp being in the fifties.

When I got to the hospital, the prognosis of my father was given. He has weeks to live, maybe a month if you push it somehow. We finally have an answer. Not one we were anticipating but it’s better than not knowing and leaving uncertainty. My sisters and I are making arrangements and such. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but I can’t. I am just so damn sad.

Before all the trips to the hospital, I went to Starbucks and got a caramel Macchiato and a breakfast sandwich. Then when I was at the hospital, I had half of my father’s turkey sandwich. I think I will finish the day with an Ensure as I am not in the mood for anything else. I thought about making a tuna sandwich but my foot will kill me if I stand on it. I took some pain meds and I am already starting to feel the effects. I don’t think going down some stairs right now will be a good idea.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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