Night filled with Pain
I didn’t have any weird dreams last night but I did wake up at 0300 in pain. It woke me from a sound sleep and I couldn’t get back asleep until a few hours later. My day was shot before it began. My foot and ankle have been competing most of the day as to who is going to hurt me more. I didn’t go out today. My father is getting transferred to a rehab facility today. It’s a place a few towns over and I hope it’s on a bus line.
I would have gone today but I am in too much pain. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am sore today. I just slept most of the day with the aid of pain medication. I really need sleep and relief from my pain if I am going to be of any use to my sisters over the next few weeks. I am so tired that writing this blog is painful. My thoughts are just not there. I am very sad to hear that my father only has a few weeks left to live. I just can’t wrap my head around it right now.
I know that my grief is going to complicate my depression or vice versa. It’s going to be hard to tease out the biological cause from the emotional cause. I thought I would be immune to it but I guess I am not. I know I have moved on mentally from my father but there is still some attachment. I know that I probably will have to go in the hospital after all is said and done. I’m hoping not but you never know.
I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the news. I haven’t heard back. I also asked her if our appointment next week was still a go. I really need her support through this. I was tempted to page her to talk to her because I was out of my element. I have never been as sad as I was last night. The pain I think made it worse. I had wanted to eat something but I could barely stand on my foot last night. I drank a couple of Ensures for my dinner.
I think I ate my last pastrami sub for a while. It was very good but it’s been the only thing I have been eating all week. I haven’t touched the food that I bought. I still have black bean burgers and tuna. I just have lost interest in eating them. I hope tomorrow I can eat some of them. I still have my sourdough bread, though it’s weeks old now so not that fresh anymore. Maybe I can make French toast out of it before it becomes penicillin.