Saturday blog 46

I saw my father in the nursing home. They are trying to rehab him for home. He is trying to do his best to get him there. I am not optimistic it is going to happen. He didn’t look good today, really tired and stuff. It was hard being there. My brother in law came with his PJs as we washed them at home. When he left, I did too. I really was sad to see my father so out of it.

I filled out the forms they needed to fill out. Basically they were the same as the ones I filled out in the hospital about DNR and such. My sisters went to the funeral home today to discuss options of cremation. Basically the whole life insurance will be for the funeral and church services. I forget if there will be a wake or not. It’s been a tough day. I hope my sisters are ok. I have been in my own world and haven’t really been asking. They have each other as they are closer to each other than I am to them.

The nursing home is going to be a little difficult for me to get to by walking and taking the T. I am going to try and go Monday afternoon and see how it goes. I just hope my leg can make it up the stupid hill. I never knew the town had hills. It’s not as steep as the ones in my neighborhood but it’s still a climb and will be a challenge. I just hope it doesn’t snow like they say it will. Otherwise, it will be another day.

I find it weird that my mother hasn’t asked how I have been doing since I told her that my father is dying. She told me today that she won’t be going to the wake or funeral. That is fine. They are divorced and she is not obligated to at all. Though it will be weird not having her there. I never thought about this. I just hope there isn’t questions as to why she isn’t there.

I have been trying to keep this blog going every day but with the stress of my father dying, I am not sure I can keep it up. It’s very difficult to write what I want without appearing like a bastard. I really miss the days when I was able to write and things would flow. That hasn’t been happening lately. I try to write at least 500 words. That to me is like a magic blog number. If I can write at least that many words, then I have accomplished something. But it’s extremely difficult and lately around 350 words, I lose gas. It’s easier when things happen during the day but even then, my thinking is so clouded by depression it’s hard to pluck words. So if there is a day that there is no blog, just know that I am still around but just having a hard time trying to write. I know I have daily readers and I thank you for reading.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Saturday blog 46

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    Its ok if you dont blog everyday. We understand things are difficult right now. Know I think of you every day though. XX

  2. thefeatheredsleep says:

any thoughts?

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