Paranoia and other fun things, not
I met with my therapist today and told him that I have been increasingly paranoid the last few days. I am not sure if it started with my email being hacked or not. I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watched by someone/thing. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I also have been feeling like my psychiatrist and PCP have been conspiring against me and putting things in my medical record as well as watching me. When I told him, he thought my meds should be tweaked and I should call my psychiatrist. I was scared of calling her, because she is out to get me. I said I would when I got home.
I came home and got a dizzy attack. I think it is probably because I am dehydrated because despite it being cold, I have been sweating. I wore a heavy sweatshirt and when I walk, I just sweat. I was expecting it to snow or rain so wore my winter jacket. I was also roasting in my therapist’s office. It was way too warm. I broke down and called my psychiatrist. I didn’t want to email her because I knew that would feed into my delusion of her feeding my medical records. She called back and we talked. She told me she wasn’t watching me or adding stuff to my medical record. I felt a little better but wasn’t 100% convinced. She didn’t want to do anything med wise but wants me to call her in a few days. I am tempted to take some trilafon but that hasn’t helped with paranoia at all. Helps with my delusion and voices but not the paranoia. I really don’t want to increase the Invega anyways because that will just mean weight gain. I still haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained since starting it. Course I haven’t really tried either. But that is another story.
I haven’t had dinner yet. My mother called me when I got to the station just as a train was pulling in asking when I would be home. I told her I was on my way home and she said dinner was ready. That’s nice. Least I will have food when I am hungry later. I think once the dizzy spell subsides, I might be hungry.
I’m feeling really scared because of this feeling of being watched, even when I am alone in my room. I am tempted to close the window and drapes but then it will get hot in my room. I really hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. Music has been helping as a sort of background noise for me. I don’t know why, but it helps. I guess it just takes my mind off the feeling and I feel something else through the music. I think it’s kind of weird that since this has started, the music stuff that normally plays in my head has stopped or isn’t as loud as it was. My voices have stayed the same, no new ones. I hope that doesn’t change. It’s awful feeling like you are being monitored, even when you are alone. I might close the window and just turn on the ceiling fan. There has been a weird light that shines in my room and then goes off which hasn’t helped my suspicions.
I need to go to the LGBT website to see if there are papers I need filled out before my appointment with their doctor. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I see him. It felt so far away before but now is becoming a reality. I just hope there isn’t some medical or psych reason to prevent me getting testosterone. I can’t live in the body like it is. It is driving me crazy because I feel like a man and stuff and then I look at my chest and it just crushes me. It hurts so bad inside and makes me just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know I won’t be able to handle any rejection about this. It will kill me. But I am trying not to think about it or it may feed into my paranoia. Last thing I need is to reschedule the appt because of a hospitalization so I hope this passes soon or at least doesn’t get worse.
I just got finished watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. It’s one of my favorite Christmas movies because it always gives me hope that things can be better than what they are currently.
I was hoping that I would be asleep by now as I took my strong pain pill and my regular pain pill before the movie and I am still awake. I am also still in pain. It doesn’t seem to want to go away despite all the meds that I have taken today. It’s so frustrating to be in pain all day and not find any measure of relief.
I was talking to a friend today about my therapist. I told her how we were breaking up. She wanted to know why so I basically said she was incompetent. She really is a bozo and the hard part of it all is that I am not sure I can find another therapist that I feel comfortable with. I told my friend that I might have to find a male therapist because female ones haven’t been working out for me. I have only had one male therapist of the 13 that I have had. Unfortunately, I had to fire him because after telling him I was going to OD on some pills with the intent on killing myself, he asked if I was suicidal. No, I just like to OD for fun. What the hell.
Being in pain all the time is such a drag. I had to take some more Ativan because my anxiety keeps shooting up whenever I move my ankle because the pain also shoots up. It’s so hard when I you have PTSD on top of everything and this is why I can’t understand why my therapist can’t help me. She is supposedly trained in trauma. She has diagnosed me as having complex PTSD. I just don’t understand why we can’t focus on that. It drives me berserk. But then she likes to talk and talk more than listen. I need a therapist that can listen to me or at least tolerate the silence when I have nothing to say or I am thinking of something to say without being interrupted. I just feel bad that it’s taken me 16 years to figure this out. Or for her to figure this out because of the one blog I sent her, which she continues to read for some reason. She definitely has issues.
I watched RENT, live on Broadway the other night. The songs are still going through my head. And it’s not just one song, it’s the whole damn side A of the CD I always listen to. Tomorrow I need to listen to it again. It’s the only way to get them out of my head. I would listen to it now but I don’t remember where I placed the CD. I think it’s in the Pearl Jam CD holder that I have that is now buried on my night stand.
My friend gave me RENT the movie for my birthday. I still haven’t watched it yet. I will one of these days. I just need the songs in my head to clear out a bit before watching it again. I hate that this has been happening to me for some time now and it puzzles my doctor. She doesn’t know why it happens. And my antipsychotic meds are not helping it. So I just need to live with another puzzling thing. It is annoying as all hell though.
I was talking to this friend last night about being psychotic as we haven’t talked in while and my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse over the last few years. It kind of made things worse for me and caused me to become paranoid. I swear I am watched by the FBI right now, though I don’t really know why. I haven’t said anything about my alien theory to anyone in months. I don’t want to discuss it now because I am being watched.
TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic
Because I took the senna last night, even though I had loose stool yesterday, I have been going to the bathroom most of the day. And I have been finding that my menses have returned for whatever reason. I am beyond pissed because I stopped the pill earlier this month because of bleeding. It’s the middle of the week so I can’t stop it, again, until Sunday. It’s only minor bleeding but still, it bothers me because it shouldn’t be happening. I am also wondering if this has played a part in me feeling super suicidal yesterday morning. I still feel suicidal but not to the degree I was yesterday. I was even ranting about being suicidal last night on Twitter.
I called my pdoc this afternoon to check in with her. I also needed some more trilafon. So far, it hasn’t been called in. It will be the only reason for me to go back out again today. I had gone to Starbucks for iced coffee, which didn’t help my bowel situation, but I wanted the cold brew coffee. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. I also got my burgers for lunch and dinner.
I told my pdoc that the voices are still kicking around but the trilafon is keeping them from getting worse. I really hope there isn’t a problem with the pharmacy like the last time or I am going to flip out. If anything, I need this medication to help keep me stable. It’s the only medication I am willing to take at this point. If I don’t get it, I will have to go in the hospital and that could get messy, especially with me bleeding. I HATE going into the hospital with feminine products while trying to be transgender. It’s just humiliation. I don’t know how long the bleed is going to last. I am really surprised I got it twice in the same month because I have been careful to try and keep it on schedule, give or take a half hour or so. I think there was one day where I took it really late because I took a nap. Other than that I have been keeping to a time table.
My therapist called. She is trying to see if we can have a session today but it doesn’t look likely, unless someone cancels. I told her flat out I was still suicidal. I don’t know if the hormones are playing a factor but she wants me to consider going to the Boston LGBTQ clinic. I have been hesitant to do so because I am not ready to go forth with my transition. Yesterday I got my birth certificate so at the end of July, I will be changing my name. I think once I get my name changed on every document, I might go with hormone treatment. Until then, it’s just waiting out the damn suicidal periods that come with being something I am not.
Last night or the night before I was reading my blogs. I found out that the voices have been active since January. They are active all the time but for me to make note of them being especially noisy is a cause of concern because a couple days later is when I marked when my depression started. This means the voices have been going on longer than I thought, which is why I am so psychotic and paranoid. Granted the events of what happened in Orlando and Istanbul haven’t helped ease my paranoia but it’s starting to look like I might need a hospitalization sooner rather than later. I just don’t want all the voices to go away because then I will feel lonely and sad. I really don’t feel that messed up. It’s only when they want me to take more pills that things get out of hand. But the trilafon keeps those voices at bay. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I wish I was seeing her tomorrow. I might page her again, if I feel like talking.
My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.
I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.
I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.
I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.
I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.
The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.