TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic
Because I took the senna last night, even though I had loose stool yesterday, I have been going to the bathroom most of the day. And I have been finding that my menses have returned for whatever reason. I am beyond pissed because I stopped the pill earlier this month because of bleeding. It’s the middle of the week so I can’t stop it, again, until Sunday. It’s only minor bleeding but still, it bothers me because it shouldn’t be happening. I am also wondering if this has played a part in me feeling super suicidal yesterday morning. I still feel suicidal but not to the degree I was yesterday. I was even ranting about being suicidal last night on Twitter.
I called my pdoc this afternoon to check in with her. I also needed some more trilafon. So far, it hasn’t been called in. It will be the only reason for me to go back out again today. I had gone to Starbucks for iced coffee, which didn’t help my bowel situation, but I wanted the cold brew coffee. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. I also got my burgers for lunch and dinner.
I told my pdoc that the voices are still kicking around but the trilafon is keeping them from getting worse. I really hope there isn’t a problem with the pharmacy like the last time or I am going to flip out. If anything, I need this medication to help keep me stable. It’s the only medication I am willing to take at this point. If I don’t get it, I will have to go in the hospital and that could get messy, especially with me bleeding. I HATE going into the hospital with feminine products while trying to be transgender. It’s just humiliation. I don’t know how long the bleed is going to last. I am really surprised I got it twice in the same month because I have been careful to try and keep it on schedule, give or take a half hour or so. I think there was one day where I took it really late because I took a nap. Other than that I have been keeping to a time table.
My therapist called. She is trying to see if we can have a session today but it doesn’t look likely, unless someone cancels. I told her flat out I was still suicidal. I don’t know if the hormones are playing a factor but she wants me to consider going to the Boston LGBTQ clinic. I have been hesitant to do so because I am not ready to go forth with my transition. Yesterday I got my birth certificate so at the end of July, I will be changing my name. I think once I get my name changed on every document, I might go with hormone treatment. Until then, it’s just waiting out the damn suicidal periods that come with being something I am not.
Last night or the night before I was reading my blogs. I found out that the voices have been active since January. They are active all the time but for me to make note of them being especially noisy is a cause of concern because a couple days later is when I marked when my depression started. This means the voices have been going on longer than I thought, which is why I am so psychotic and paranoid. Granted the events of what happened in Orlando and Istanbul haven’t helped ease my paranoia but it’s starting to look like I might need a hospitalization sooner rather than later. I just don’t want all the voices to go away because then I will feel lonely and sad. I really don’t feel that messed up. It’s only when they want me to take more pills that things get out of hand. But the trilafon keeps those voices at bay. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I wish I was seeing her tomorrow. I might page her again, if I feel like talking.
There are huge shake downs in Boston right now regarding sports. The hockey team lost the finals. The basketball coach was fired. A football player is accused of double homicide. And while that is all going on, my baseball team is red hot and in first place for the first time since the 2009 season. That is all I am going to say on the matter as I don’t want a ragtime blog of my opinion on the subjects as other than baseball, I really don’t care. Right now only one sport exists and that is baseball. Anything concerning my players or the other teams is of interest in me. Otherwise, I don’t care.
I got a tweet last night saying that there is a 1,200 year old tomb that was found intact. I thought at first it might be a Maya tomb but that would be too late. It was of the Wari people who I didn’t even know existed. I am not too good on the early peoples of South America other than the Maya as they have plagued my interest since learning of their short ruling period. I also have an interest in the Inca as they are presumeably the ones that took over the Maya temples and such and faced the same fate once the Spanish invaded Mexico.
Anyway, I became interested in this tomb as I love archeology. I think that finding things from the past is fascinating. Yes I am a lover of the Indian Jones movies and maybe my fascination came from his work. But I am also interested in the dinosaurs and how things evolved from an evolutionary standpoint. I have yet to read Darwin’s Origin of Species but I plan to one day.
I saw my psychiatrist today. And she didn’t hospitalize me but I did tell her that I have a future date of potentially killing myself. She thinks that I am hormonal and asked that I contact my reproductive endocrine doc, which I did. To my surprise she was available for meeting with me to talk about what to do as I have my menses. She checked the lining of my uterus to see if there was a problem and there wasn’t. What she FAILED to tell me was that it could take up to three months for this new patch to work. That would have been helpful to know!!! So I am going to stick it out the three months (I have two months to go) and see if this patch is better than taking a pill every day. But I have had it will this period bullshit. My psych knows what havoc this is causing me. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel it is hopeless to transition. I can’t even talk about it without being very depressed about it. It is killing me more than having boobs.
I normally don’t think about being a male every day because I already think I am one as long as I don’t look at my chest. But when I get my menses, it really, really messes with my head and reinforces the notion that I am in the wrong body. I guess I have been in denial the past week. It just has been so hard but my suicidality has not peaked, least not yet. I feel that I should stop this and try and put it out of my head that I am a male. But that is so hard to do. I am not talking about changing my dress to female or anything of the sort. Just to stop thinking that I would be a male someday. Even if I were to get hormones, I doubt my breasts would shrink enough not to be noticed. I am morbidly overweight so they do have some fat and unless I starve myself, I really don’t see a way to be back to normal weight. I just bought some cereal to help with the diet again. I figure if I just eat cereal for two meals and then eat a normal dinner with some kind of protein, I should be ok. I just hope that I can stick with it. But losing weight is just one of the issues that I have with my self-esteem and body image issues.
My therapist thinks that I have body dysmorphic disorder. I think she maybe right as I do hate my body, every stinking inch of it. And in turn, I hate myself deeply because of it. I really think I am ugly and unattractive. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am glad I don’t have any mirrors in my room except a very small one that I use so I can put eye drops in my eyes. Even then I loathe looking at myself. It is just another reason why I want to die. I don’t feel I deserve to be living because I am so heinous looking.
Feeling wicked distraught right now. I have breakthrough bleeding and it just kicked up my fuckits big time. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I am on the patch and I am hoping it doesn’t last more than a few days but I am really tired of this crap. I know that it’s the natural law of things for a woman but I am not a woman. I am a man and this thing just messes with my head. Now the suicidal tendencies have returned and I don’t like it one bit. I am so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know what to do.
Every time this happens, I feel like a little piece of me dies. The one wish that I could truly live as a man without menses is never going to be fulfilled. I am having cramps so that can’t be good. I just feel cursed. I know it is because I am in my fourth week of the patch. It’s almost like my body is saying you are going to bleed anyways and I don’t care what kind of hormones you throw at me. I guess I will just have to take a break from the patch this week and see what happens. I will have to go back to wearing woman’s underpants and feminine products. This saddens me to no end. I could cry right now.