Tag Archives: voices

Ah, what is a little psychosis and a lot of anger

**may contain errors as I am on my phone**

My day started ok. It was raining pretty hard so I canceled PT. I tried to reschedule but there was nothing open the rest of the week.

Then FB had this you got 4,000 like thing. The 1st pic was my legal document stating my legal name change. I decided to post it to my support group for CRPS. Everyone was supportive except this one person who thought I should give my mother respect and she went on about my mother’s feelings and shit like she knew her. It really upset me and made me angry. I didn’t respond right away. I didn’t think I would but a few hours later I did. I told her you don’t know anything about my mother so stop pretending that you do. I didn’t say nothing more. Then she responds with “I didn’t mean to offend you” bullshit. I didn’t read what she wrote. I was seeing red. My damn foot was hurting me. And that made me more angry.

I kept on having bursts of anger throughout the day. Other than this incident, nothing else was going on except pain. I tried to nap. Pain got worse. It was making me to angry. Then I was reading Twitter and the stuff about the SCOTUS judge nominee who is being accused of rape just flipped me out. Some people were on his side. Others were like why she wait so long, and other stupid shit that I can’t remember now. As a sexual assault survivor, it made me so fucking angry. And what really was the killer that it wasn’t just men saying this. Some women were too. Are you kidding me?

I couldn’t escape the fight over who was innocent and who was guilty. In the end, the vote was postponed, which I was happy about. Now the accuser is facing death threats and is in hiding. She has to make an appearance for something but no one has heard from her. I hope she is okay. That really ticked me off that these high profile cases get death threats and then people wonder why women don’t come forward with their attacks.

The third attack that caused me to be angry was a fucking idiot that didn’t know there was a difference between addiction and dependence. This person was adamant about it being the same thing. WRONG!! This person attacked anyone that said different. I have no idea if this was a troll or not but I didn’t respond. It just fueled the fire that was burning inside. I honestly felt like cutting to release some of the tension. I texted my therapist about what to do about this anger and he said we need to talk about it. What? Talk about being angry? First you want me to be angry and when I tell you I am we need to talk about it? Are you fucking kidding me?? I am ready to rip someone’s head off and you want to talk about it? Fuck you.

More gas to the flames.

I talked to my BFF. She was mad at her husband for doing something without her permission. I am on my friend’s side. He shouldn’t have done that. It helped me to calm down a bit. Her grandkids were on IG and OMG they are so fucking cute. I want to cuddle them. I felt a little bit better afterwards, until the fucking Sox blew the fucking game with the snakes! After the loss, I felt weird and was hearing male voices. I felt paranoid and anxious. I really feel like i am being spied on. I was tempted to call my psych but it is late. She probably would tell me to take an ativan and then call her tomorrow/today. Meds are kicking in. I had to take some neurontin because I was having an L shaped pain and it was indescribable. It drove me nuts. I felt like my head was spinning. I need sleep. Then I saw an article saying if you have less sleep, it could lead to Alzheimer’s. I have it on both sides of my family so I am screwed either way, if I should make it to old age. I just hope this psychotic episode goes away. Male voices scare me as they aren’t my regular ones and usually land me in the hospital. I won’t go though. I don’t want to go back. They screw up my meds all the time and I finally have them all straightened out.

I have therapy tomorrow. Hope I get angry with the jerk.

Timeline

Timeline

According to my blogs in January 2016, my voices had become worse and so had my depression. Then my father had his treatments. The end of the month he was hospitalized for chest pain. A few days later after discharge, he was readmitted with a chest collapse brought about, presumably, due to pleural effusion or an air pocket burst.

I was supposed to start PT for my back but never did because of the evolving care of my father. My depression worsened the more involved I was with the man. The voices ultimately were controlling me, though I didn’t realize it at first. This was despite taking an adequate dose of abilify and taking it faithfully every night. The only exception to this was when my father was readmitted for the collapsed lung issue. I missed a few days because it was late and I didn’t feel like filling up my pill box. I was haphazardly taking my meds. A few here, a few there that first week in March.

March was a markedly collapse of my father’s health. He was admitted every two weeks for pleural effusions or because of fluid build up in his system. He had stopped eating or was barely eating and drinking, even with support from my sisters. He lost weight and subsequently would develop pneumonia that was his last illness before being transferred to a nursing home for further care.

My mental health deteriorated. In the middle of March, after losing up to 15 pounds, I decided to go back on Zoloft, even though I didn’t think it would do much. We started off slow as I didn’t want to get sick off it, though my psychiatrist wanted me on 100 mg. I was happy with half that. My father died the end of April. I was hospitalized the middle of May after everything was said and done. We decided to increase the Zoloft to 100 mg and it was a quick admission. I was there only six days and have not been back, against my better judgement.

June brought havoc for me with the Orlando shootings and I felt the pressing need to notify authorities that the gunman had an alien parasite in his brain that caused his actions. The voices were rampant at this point and I discussed the matter with my psychiatrist and therapist before making any phone calls. It was at this point I got very agitated at my therapist for not believing me about the alien parasites and decided I wasn’t going to take the abilify any more. The voices by then were commanding me to do things and I went along.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling really paranoid while at my psychiatrist’s office. I was really scared she was going to kill me despite her reassurances that she was not. This was around the end of June. That day was terrible. The paranoia had increased due to some social media post by a Twitter follower I was following for PTSD. She had posted something to do for ISIS which is always a trigger for me. It freaked me out and the paranoia increased tenfold. I emailed my psychiatrist to get some trilafon to calm down as the agitation was terrible. Then there were problems with the pharmacy filling it. I was fuming. I have been on this medication for a long time and these young pharmacists were telling me how it was interacting with my medication. I scoffed because my psychiatrist knew the medications I was taking and if there were interactions, my psych wouldn’t be prescribing me the medication. She talked to these young people and I was able to get my meds, finally. Though it really frazzled me.

Because the trilafon was working while I was “sneaking it” behind the voices back, I was coming to the realization just how much they were controlling me. The noise in my head became much quieter and I was able to fight back, albeit slowly. I still felt I needed to be in the hospital and was seriously contemplating when my mother, who has diabetes, took a hypoglycemic episode and I found her down. If I was in the hospital, I dread to think of the consequences. I realized then, the beginning of July, that I had to get control of the voices so started taking the trilafon more frequently than every other day or every two days.

Since my father’s death, I have been feeling numb and distant. Things got better and I was feeling my “normal” feelings of depression or joy or something. But since the voices got louder and more demanding, I have noticed that I been feeling flat and not feeling much of anything. I feel blunted, like I should be feeling something but I am not. My therapist is calling this “negative symptoms” of psychosis but it’s been ages since I looked at a psych book to remember what those were. I used to know psychosis very well way back when I was young student in college but have gradually lost what I learned as I moved away from my calling and haven’t been in school in years.

Even as I am writing this, I feel disconnected, like a lightbulb has been turned off and I can’t find the switch. It doesn’t concern me. I don’t know why it’s concerning my therapist so much. But then she is very protective of me. I just don’t see the concern. Not having emotion is kind of a relief. It’s better than feeling the deep dark lows that I had been feeling. It has affected my writing some what. But then, my writing has not recovered much since my father’s death three months ago. I still feel as distant as I did back then.

Extra therapy Session

Extra therapy session

My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.

She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.

I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.

Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.

I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.

Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.

I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

I didn’t take the abilify for the second night in a row. The “bad” voices have come out, a little bit. They want me to do things but I am ignoring them. The other voices are just talking incessantly to me. My brain is so warped.

I went out to the liquor store hoping to find a beer that I have been wanting to try and they had it. I was very happy, even though the 6 pack was expensive. I am going to try it with dinner tonight as my mother is making burgers, using MY meat that I bought. No matter, I like using fresh meat anyway when I cook. I think it tastes better than frozen/thawed.

I don’t know why, but I bought a Kindle Fire this morning with accessories. I know I have said I had a tablet that was good enough, but I really wanted something that I could take with me. I really want to be able to read Dostoevsky and not worry that the battery is going to run out on me. Seems the battery life of the tablet has gone down considerably. It only lasts a day or two off the charger, and that is if you are not using it. I bought a 64 GB SD card for it as the device itself is only 8 GB. It should be delivered this Saturday. I am all excited! I think after the week that I have had, I deserve to get myself something nice.

I also reserved a car for my therapy appointment for next week. I will be seeing her twice in one week. She is going to be so excited. It’s going to be like old times. I just hope it doesn’t rain on Tuesday. I hate driving in the rain. I need to go to Walmart and get new PJs. The ones that I have been wearing look more like Swiss cheese. They are so worn they have a lot of holes in them. I have had them for at least 10 years so I think it’s time to replace it. They were my favorite ones, too.

Last night I was feeling lowly. I wrote on Facebook and Twitter that I wasn’t sure if I could change my name because of the attacks in Orlando. I am afraid of being out of the closet and with good reason. I have never been bullied or called names before and I don’t want that to be the case moving forward. There has only been one time in my life that I have been called a “dyke” and that was scary to me. So next week, I am moving on, and going to get the first step in changing my name. I need to get my birth certificate. Once I have that, I will go to court and get my name legally changed. I hope I don’t need a court appointment to do so. Otherwise, it might be awhile before my name is officially changed.

Once this happens, I will start the process in changing my name on all the bills and hospitals that I go to. I still am sort of on the fence of whether to be called G or GC. I tried changing my Facebook name to G last night and it wouldn’t let me. It has to be more than one letter. Jerks. But I have my heart set on being called G as nearly everyone calls me that anyways.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up at 0300 because I had to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was feeling kind of sick as my bowels were haywire. I don’t know why I have the runs but I do. All I really had today to eat was two boiled eggs, toast, and apple juice. For lunch I had some asparagus and eggs and salad. I hope that me not taking the abilify isn’t affecting my bowels. I just paged my doc so I will ask her. Or not. I am supposed to be tapering the dose but I am too lazy. Besides, the voices don’t want me taking it at all so I am not cutting the pill to take it. I just got to remember not to take the senna tonight or I might have loose stool again tomorrow. That wouldn’t be good because I need to go out. I have an appointment with my doc and the NP for my pain management. It’s back to back appointments. Should be fun!

The voices are listening to what I am typing. The reading voice is back so they can hear what I am reading/saying. It’s so weird. I feel like I am being watched all the time now by these voices. I don’t have a big appetite today. I bought some Andy Capp fries. They are my favorite. I had to hide them because my littlest niece loves them, too. I was in the mood for hot fries and I am glad the liquor store carries them. It’s the only place around that has Andy Capp products. I miss the comic strip that used to be on the bag. They don’t have it anymore. Andy Capp was one of my favorite comics growing up. I hope the beer is good. I never had a grapefruit beer before. I am not usually a beer drinker. But I will have one during the summer. I like the lemon beers they come out with.

The reason I bought this particular beer is because Wil Wheaton’s wife posted it on Twitter more than a year ago. It’s an Indian IPA, which I don’t know what that is. I figure I like grapefruit and she liked it so it couldn’t be that bad. She is a bigger beer drinker than I am though. We’ll see. Maybe I will post a blog about it later this evening about it.

Therapy after the fallout

Therapy after the fallout

My therapist read my blog. She apologized for being a doofus. I told her she needs to watch her mouth or think before she speaks. She definitely doesn’t have that “therapist filter” most therapists have. I told her I am still listening to the voices and I still don’t completely trust her. I am not taking my meds. I have to call my psych tonight to fill her in. There will be no point in her calling in the refill for trilafon. I won’t take it. The voices are strong and only want me to take what they want me to take. I still have free will though. There are more voices today then there were yesterday. They are annoying me because they keep coming and going.

I had an okay morning. I didn’t appreciate my bowels going haywire. But after the third movement, things seemed to settle down. I feel kind of hyper. I don’t know if it’s the coffee that is still making me fidgety or if I am getting a little hypo. I bought a 128GB flash drive. I have a 64GB drive that is close to being full so needed a bigger one. It was close to being out of stock so I grabbed it before it went out, again. I tried purchasing this particular one before and it went out before I could have the funds to buy it. I wasn’t going to lose it once more. I signed up for Amazon Prime so it will be here in a few days.

My psych got back to me and she is concerned. Voices are having a field day because she wants me to cut back on the dose rather than stop abruptly. Screw that. I have to check in with her tomorrow. So stupid. I am meeting with her Friday. I just hope she doesn’t pull anything stupid like a section. The voices are okay right now and agree with what I am saying. Like Bon Jovi says, she don’t know me. She wanted to know what my therapist said that set me off and I can’t really remember what she said exactly that pissed me off. I just am done with taking meds to stop my companions. Right now there is a circus of them. Missing one dose really set them off. I don’t believe how quickly they came out. But then I have been under a lot of stress trying to keep things together.

I got wicked aggravated a little while ago. I bought a song on my phone and it would transfer to my music library. It just stayed in the Amazon Cloud. I had to manually download it to my computer and then transfer it to my phone. It sucked! I think the Amazon Prime is a rip off for music. I hope it doesn’t do the same with Kindle books. I will be so pissed.

I forgot to tell my psych I am kind of in a mixed state. I am feeling really hypo and then depressed. I don’t get it. The abilify wouldn’t mess with my mood stability. Though it kind of might. I don’t know. My psych is already worried about the voices so I won’t tell her about the mixed state until Friday when I see her. I did tell my psych that my therapist talked me into talking with her next week. I really didn’t want to talk to her. I still am kind of mad at her. I did get validation from my psych. I knew I would. I wish she wouldn’t be worried about me though. The voices won’t hurt me, least not the ones that are around right now. It’s really the “outsiders” I got to worry about. They can spring up at anytime.