Extra therapy session
My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.
She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.
I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.
Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.
I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.
Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.
I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.