Decisions are hard when depressed

Decisions are hard when depressed

I am still struggling between the voices and the grief and the depression. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to have for lunch. I had just coffee for breakfast. I didn’t feel like eating so around lunchtime, I was hungry. I had to use a coin to decide whether to make hot dogs or a tuna sandwich. Tails won for the tuna. I was glad because making the tuna sandwich was easier than making the hot dogs. I always had my back up of eenie meenie minee mow to fall back on, but the coin was better.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do today. I know I don’t want to go out. I am just not up to dealing with the public transportation system to get to the Square nor dealing with people. I made the decision to go to a PT place down the street from me. However, I need to fax the prescription to SRH before they will call me to schedule an appointment. I wish I could just scan it and fax it but I am not that tech savvy to do things like that. Plus, I don’t have a scanner. I know one of my Twitter buddies can fax on his phone so I will look into apps that do that. Maybe I can take a picture of the script and then fax it that way. This will cut out a middle man of either giving the paper to my sister or going to UPS store.

My pens have made their way back to my town and are on the way to being delivered to me. I hope it’s today and not tomorrow. I also got confirmation that the stamps I ordered are on their way to me as well. I feel like today is Christmas. I can’t wait to stamp “Ex Libris” on my books. I also can’t wait to write with my new pen. It’s a Jetstream but a fine point and a clicker. I’m not that crazy about fine points but it looked cool so we’ll see. Sometimes I do like writing with fine point pens. All depends on my mood.

I was talking to someone on Twitter this morning who was saying something about suicide prevention. He went to my profile and saw my pinned tweet. He then retweeted it with a comment saying “suicide will pass”. I don’t know if he was saying this to me indirectly or to other Twitter people. Either way, it pissed me off because that isn’t the point of the quote that is pinned.

I guess I am kind of angry today for some reason. Little things have been pissing me off. I told my sister that my depression sucks and that I was “crazy”. She wants me to talk to my doctor. Thanks for being supportive. She doesn’t get it. I don’t know why I opened up to her. I guess if I land in the hospital again, she won’t be too surprised, which might happen if the damn psychosis gets worse. The voices have been twisting things and lately, while reading, things have been weird. Words will sort of fly around as I read them. It’s worse when I am on the Kindle. I have been really getting into one of the books I am reading. It’s called “creating an online presence”. It’s a good book and I can’t seem to put it down. It’s my new obsession. I thought I had lost the download because last night before bed, I couldn’t open it or find out how to open it. I must have spent a few minutes just repeatedly touching the document and it wouldn’t go to Kindle. And then I went to Kindle app but it wasn’t there. It was scaring me because I just finished reading it that morning. I did find it on one of the screen pages called “recent” on the Fire. So I guess that is where to go if I want to continue reading it. Very frustrating.

Last night, I had to use the Crisis text line. The voices were really bad and wanted me to not only take my meds, but the entire bottle of the various meds that I take. They were very insistent. I don’t know why they are worse during the night than the day. It’s like the static that I hear during the day turns into the voices that are speaking and they are telling me to do things. I wasn’t going to act on what they were saying but I just was annoyed and didn’t know what to do. It was late at night and I knew that if I paged my psych, she would tell me to go to the ER or take my PRN. I am getting dangerously close to losing control. So far, I am okay. I am not impulsive but I fear that if I get agitated because I am angry and annoyed, things might change.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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