Voices still reign

Voices still reign

I slept for about three hours before I was up again around 0400. It took me forever to get back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know of my insomnia and asked if she was angry with me. I didn’t expect a response. The voices have been telling me everyone is against me and not to believe what anyone is saying. I haven’t taken any trilafon since Friday night for the paranoia. I still am feeling slightly paranoid, as I stated in my email and I am also fearful for no reason.

I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I knew it was going to be a rough day as I had so much difficulty sleeping. Around 1230, my psych responded, saying she was not angry with me and why did I think that. I started writing about the voices and then I started crying. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me. I have been so confused that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am being spied on all the time. The heat isn’t helping matters. I had to shut the AC off because my room got too cold and now after my afternoon nap, it’s hotter than hell again. I was having a weird dream where I turned on the AC and then fell back to sleep. I guess that was why I was confused when I woke up as to how the AC was off when I turned it on.

When I was up, I was watching the game as it just started. Jerry Remy was not in the booth so there was no point in watching TV. I hate Steve Lyons. He just makes dumb calls. I think he is a terrible analyst. O’Brien isn’t too bad. But I like him better on the radio than TV. We won 2-1. Price got the win, finally. It is fun to watch him pitch but I don’t like him as a person.

The voices have been telling me to read all day. So after I write this blog, I am going to do just that. I think I am going to read the “online presence” book. That is fairly easy to read and I am having fun with it. One of the tools it showed me was Google Analytics. Unfortunately, because my website is maintained by WordPress, it can’t show me data. I am bummed. It’s a free service but I can’t use it. WordPress does provide a nice job with Stats but there are search terms that are hidden and I really would like to know what they are. I sometimes use that information for a future blog write up.

My head is once again filled with static from the voices. I don’t know how I am going to read like they want me to. I have been sad all day as I have been thinking about my father. I don’t think I am going to contact the grief counselor, least not while I am psychotic. I really don’t want any other trust issues to happen while I am going through this phase of my illness. I know I have brought it on myself because I stopped my medication but I think things will even out as time goes on. Eventually, anyway.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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