Voices still reign
I slept for about three hours before I was up again around 0400. It took me forever to get back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know of my insomnia and asked if she was angry with me. I didn’t expect a response. The voices have been telling me everyone is against me and not to believe what anyone is saying. I haven’t taken any trilafon since Friday night for the paranoia. I still am feeling slightly paranoid, as I stated in my email and I am also fearful for no reason.
I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I knew it was going to be a rough day as I had so much difficulty sleeping. Around 1230, my psych responded, saying she was not angry with me and why did I think that. I started writing about the voices and then I started crying. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me. I have been so confused that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am being spied on all the time. The heat isn’t helping matters. I had to shut the AC off because my room got too cold and now after my afternoon nap, it’s hotter than hell again. I was having a weird dream where I turned on the AC and then fell back to sleep. I guess that was why I was confused when I woke up as to how the AC was off when I turned it on.
When I was up, I was watching the game as it just started. Jerry Remy was not in the booth so there was no point in watching TV. I hate Steve Lyons. He just makes dumb calls. I think he is a terrible analyst. O’Brien isn’t too bad. But I like him better on the radio than TV. We won 2-1. Price got the win, finally. It is fun to watch him pitch but I don’t like him as a person.
The voices have been telling me to read all day. So after I write this blog, I am going to do just that. I think I am going to read the “online presence” book. That is fairly easy to read and I am having fun with it. One of the tools it showed me was Google Analytics. Unfortunately, because my website is maintained by WordPress, it can’t show me data. I am bummed. It’s a free service but I can’t use it. WordPress does provide a nice job with Stats but there are search terms that are hidden and I really would like to know what they are. I sometimes use that information for a future blog write up.
My head is once again filled with static from the voices. I don’t know how I am going to read like they want me to. I have been sad all day as I have been thinking about my father. I don’t think I am going to contact the grief counselor, least not while I am psychotic. I really don’t want any other trust issues to happen while I am going through this phase of my illness. I know I have brought it on myself because I stopped my medication but I think things will even out as time goes on. Eventually, anyway.