Religious freedom act and other things
This act makes me sick. It is a downright discrimination against my sexuality. It pisses me off that I cannot openly share my loved one with someone in those states that have this act passed. No matter. I am boycotting these states, like most people are doing. I am just grateful that no major baseball teams are in these states. I would not be watching their games. I guess I can also boycott the Indianapolis football games as well. I guess the separation of church and state doesn’t apply to homosexuality. Just about whether the word “God” should be in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I saw my father today. He is not feeling well. I hope he gets better soon without the aid of seeing a doctor because I hate his PCP. I know he will say he has a virus but as far as the pain goes, I am clueless. But then my sister was telling me he was lifting some bags from Boston to his home so I think he might have strained himself a little bit. He is 83 and still thinks he is young to do all these things. What can you do?
Last night, I was wicked hot. So hot, I had to turn on the ceiling fan and now today, I am freezing. I was out in the cold for about a half hour because the bus was late, as usual. I was going to go to the Super Stop and Shop to get my prescription but I don’t think I am going to. I will go tomorrow. I am super tired anyways. I didn’t sleep well again last night, despite going to bed at a decent hour. I must have woken up at least three time after 3:30 and then I was up every stinking hour. My app alarm kept going off, reminding me to take my pills. I just couldn’t get out of bed to do so. I still am tired. I might go to bed soon after I finish this blog. I can’t stand being this tired. I didn’t have coffee today. I didn’t have time to make it. I thought about getting it at Dunks but the last time I had their coffee, it was a waste of money. I didn’t like it at all. I am getting hungry. I should make a couple of hard boiled eggs for my dinner. My mother is at a birthday party so I know she won’t be making anything for supper. Another reason I need to go to Stop and Shop. I still want my fish and chips!
My mood is in the toilet. I just don’t want to do anything. I tried to watch the baseball game today, hoping it would get me in the mood, but it didn’t. I just am really tired all the time and want to sleep. I’ve had a busy week, though I didn’t really go out every day. It just felt like I was doing something nearly every day. I am just exhausted from fighting pain all the time. That is a full time job in and of itself. Except you don’t get benefits or get paid for dealing with your pain. You just get exhausted and cranky. My sister called me and told me to come to the party my mother is at. It’s my cousin’s birthday party but I really don’t feel like seeing the family, again when I saw them on Sunday for my brother in law’s party. My ankle is throbbing and I just finished getting undressed and into my pajamas. I really didn’t want to get dressed again.
Took out my back today while doing little things around the house. I am in bed now. My groceries came this morning and I have been up since 7. I hate waking up early but it was an early delivery. I guess I did too much going up and down the stairs as well. I hate my ankle being weak. But on good news I stuck to my diet, pretty much, so that is a good day.
I wish mood-wise it was a good day. I have been up and down all day, sometimes on the verge of crying and still wondering why I should still be around.
I passed on information to my favorite DJ at the country music station I listened to and my name got announced on the radio. I was wicked excited! Gloriana is going to be singing the National Anthem at Gillette Stadium Sunday for the AFC Championship game. So excited to see them in New England!! My favorite DJ and I have been tweeting on and off since I signed up so it was quite a tweet to get the message as I wasn’t listening to the radio at the time! I don’t usually listen anymore unless I remember to turn on the Tune In Radio app on my tablet.
Tomorrow is supposed to be a get together for my old workplace. I would go but I am broke, having spent the last of my money on my groceries and I don’t get paid again until next week. Would have been good to go out but I hate going into a bar and being around drunk people, especially when the start of hockey season begins tomorrow night. People tend to be loud and obnoxious so I tend to avoid those places. But it was my suggestion. I might make an appearance and just have a coke or something.
Read an interesting article about suicide today that was not by someone suicidal but someone who just talked about it without it being depressing or concerning. It was someone who was sharing their thoughts about it as he knew a few people who committed it. It was on the freshly pressed version of wordpress and I think the blog was called “On Suicide”. Also read a good blog about the silence of gays. I know that I am open but you don’t hear people talk about homosexuality like you used to unless it has to do with gay marriage. I myself have never thought of being in a long term relationship with anyone so it’s a null point with me. Hell it took 10 years just to find a therapist willing to put up with me for 12. That is the longest relationship I have ever had. Strictly professional but therapy is a type of intimate relationship.
It was pretty cold today and I didn’t go out. I wanted to but I just couldn’t bring myself to get dressed. I wanted to go to the bakery to get some scali bread but didn’t. It was cold in my room and I just couldn’t get out of my warm bed to get dressed. Course my back is aching me for lugging my powerade up the stairs. I bought 20 bottles to last me for a month or so. I drink it to take my meds as I can’t take them with water as some of them dissolve quickly with water or just taste gross.
The one thing I have to say is that with TuneIn Radio I hear the same commercials at each commercial break. I wonder if it is the same with real radio?
This is just a blog as I finally have some idea of what to write. This blogging every day has not been easy for me so I have learned to blog every other day or so just to keep things fresh. Most of my blogs deal with my severe depression and negative thinking. I cannot help what pops into head and what I write. My writing is my release from the everyday misery most people call life but I call hell.
Past few days I have been getting the itch to do something, anything, to try and get my leg swelling down. I have been in bed most of the day today but still the swelling has not gone down so I went out to get some cookies and some oatmeal because we didn’t have any in the house. I ordered lunch from Redbones, a southern place that makes good ribs. One rib was really fatty and disgusting so I let it be and ate the other less fatty ones. Though I usually enjoy their ribs, I found that today’s selection was not so great. I tried their fried Okra for the first time and it was tasteless. Twenty bucks down the drain. I should have tried to make the trip to Boston to get my bottle of Chianti and Pad Thai from the King and I restaurant. They have the BEST Pad Thai in this area.
Pain is bad in my ankle so I didn’t end up going farther than a block from my house. I still want my bottle of wine and Pad thai, maybe tomorrow.
I have had some good ideas on what to write for future blogs but I just can’t seem to get more than the ideas out on paper. For instance, I started writing about myself as Michael and that is where I ended. I could go no further than that. I guess because Michael means so much to me that I have a hard time expressing him. It is really personal to talk as Michael. Michael is my transgendered persona. I am a transgendered individual and I have been struggling a lot with this the past few years. It is getting more and more real as I try to think of what I want to be named. I hate my birth name but then I hate everything about me. From my face to my breasts all I can see is ugliness. I am ugly and no one can really tell me different no matter what they say.
Since I was little, I always preferred to be called “Mike”. It just sounded like a cool name. I would play pretend with my best childhood buddy. He would change his name to John and I would be Mike. I longed for the day when I could really be a “Mike”. It has been difficult the past few years because frankly I just rather kill myself than change. I remember watching a “Bones” episode of a transgendered female and though he had hormonally been a female, his bones still showed her to be a male. I find this very depressing. That I can go through the hormonal change and all but still have the bone structure of a female is haunting me to no end. I cannot change that no matter how hard I try. It fills me with a sadness that can be palpable.
I have not discussed this beyond my blog and therapy sessions. It is so hard to talk about. Why am I putting it out on the world wide web? Because I am hoping that someone will read this and think “yup that is me” and understand what I am going through. It can be anonymous, I will never meet this person but at least they will know that they are not alone with this. I am trying to come to terms with it and have difficulty and knowing that transgendered persons are more likely to kill themselves are a big concern of mine because I can also be so suicidal when my identity is attacked. I still am around and I am sure others are also. I am sure they have attempted to kill themselves because they are tired of living a lie like I am. I feel crazy and sometimes like a freak because I know that I am a female but my head keeps telling me I am not. I can’t explain it more than that.
Sense of humor keeping me alive?
Been thinking about this today.. I was at an interview meeting for first year medical students and I remember joking a lot with the interviewer. I was talking about serious stuff, like my suicide and transgender issues and I kept thinking why is every one laughing. I was laughing at myself, but inside. The voices were watching me and I could tell they were not pleased. They always get nervous when I tell people my most personal thoughts. I guess they get jealous when I tell people outside because the voices are lonely and they need me to continue to talk to them to exist. I have not been faithful with my medication the past few days. I find that my mind is better for writing when I am not medicated than when I am. It truly sucks trying to write and you can’t because the thoughts just are not flowing.
I began reading a book on sibling suicide written by a friend of mine. I had no idea how suicide affected siblings. I never thought about how my sisters would react to my death if I died by my own hand. I was more afraid of their children’s grief than theirs. I guess you can say I am too old to kill myself but that does not mean I want to live. I am forced to live because of my responsibilities to others. That is why I am still here. I can joke about suicide and suicidal thinking, because it is who I am. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet and I am betting not a single person on facebook responds to it. I know I post a lot of statuses. It is because I am bored most of the time and have to tell people what I am doing like they really care. I find that less meaningful statuses draw more attention than serious ones. I don’t know why that seems important to me but I have noticed it. Very rarely do my family members respond. Usually my friends do. Even those that are across the pond will respond. I know that not everyone can respond to each of my twenty or more statuses but the ones that mean the most to me are the ones that I find the most painful. I complain a lot about being in chronic pain. I use my Facebook status to vent about how awful I feel, both physically and mentally. It is very rare that I will post I am having a good day. The days last week are gone and I doubt they will happen again. I feel like my air has been let out of the balloon and now I am back to my usual level of depression.
Today I had a migraine. It was really bright outside and I resented having to go out to this meeting but I agreed and I always hold up to my commitments no matter how bad I was feeling. In this meeting I divulged more than I should have and I think that is why I am feeling very terrible now. I can’t shut up the voices in my head. They have been chattering non-stop since I have come home. I have been trying to read to drown them out but it does no good. They keep telling me I am a loser and won’t amount to a thing. That the book deal with my friend will never happen, that it was a joke to start with and I am starting to believe them because why would someone want to hear my voice? What makes me so damn special that others want to know my struggles with depression and suicide and being a transgender or being homosexual? But am I really homosexual if I am a guy and like women? I am so confused!!! I just want to fricken die rather than deal with this stuff. I know that I must continue to live to make others happen but it’s killing me to struggle every damn day, whether I pee my pants, crap my pants, am in chronic pain with my stupid ankle or have the nerve pain from hell or just have the biggest psychache in the world for no reason other than I am not who I am. I am a guy trapped in a woman’s body and it is killing me to be this way.