delusions

Since last night, I have had the delusion that Voldemort, the evil character in Harry Potter, is my new best friend. He has been talking incessantly to me and I feel his gloomy presence everywhere. He hasn’t really “talked” to me but I know he is watching me with his scanty eyes. I told my therapist today about him as I am not sure what to do other than to take my meds. I feel anxious and paranoid but the presence isn’t allowing me to take my meds to calm down. I emailed my doc but still have not heard from her as of yet. If I don’t get a response by tomorrow, I will page her. I just hope she doesn’t want me to go in the hospital. I hate it because it disrupts my routine. Instead of taking my meds when I want, they decide what time I take it. And to get it changed is a big hassle because the orders don’t go in right away. It is annoying. Then you have to deal with groups and shit. I hate dealing with their groups because they mostly deal with stupid DBT (dialectical behavior therapy, or as I like to call it dialectical bullshit therapy).
Reformatted my laptop today and was able to install most of the updates but still cannot install IE9. It is pissing me off that I can’t because the stupid updates won’t give me the service pack that I need. Scratch that. I just checked and I have 126 updates in addition to the 118 I already installed. It’s going to take me all night to do this. Another fricken reason why I hate reformatting. It takes days to get caught up. But I have installed my new Office 2010. It is an upgrade over Office 2007.
Saw my therapist today for the first time in six months. I finally woke up early enough to get my sister’s car and drive out to Framingham, thirty miles away from where I live. I used to go out there all the time but since my car broke down, it is next to impossible to visit the suburbs. Plus, her location is not near any kind of public transportation, even though Framingham does have a commuter rail there is no way I can walk to her office because it’s over a mile away and taking a taxi would be too expensive.
I started a new diet regimen today. A friend posted about Raspberry Ketones and wanted to try it. It is all natural and is supposed to help your metabolism burn fat. From what I read the stuff can make you energetic so I have decided to take just one capsule a day for now to see how it makes me feel. So far I don’t feel so energetic, but then I have been up since 6 A.M. My ankle had been acting up so I took a pain pill. Now I am ready to fall asleep.
It’s weird that this is the second time after a severe bout of depression I became psychotic. I don’t like being crazy but it feel pretty awesome detracting from reality. I am not high or euphoric or anything of the sort. I just have this unrealness that I feel, that everything is not real. And the background noise in my head is always going on. I have to keep playing music because it is the only thing that distracts me from my thoughts. Course the draw back is that I am hearing music all the time even if the radio or my MP3 playing isn’t playing. I kid you not. A song will be stuck in my head and I will have to play it in realness or it will haunt me until I do, or play another song to get it out of my head. There is meaning in the words of these songs and it kind of is disturbing me. But then I am used to it.

any thoughts?

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