Dark thoughts, things no one talks about

Been thinking the last few days of how this blog has changed my life but yet the demons of my mental illness still play their cards. I have not really thought of ending my life today, until now because the physical pain I am experiencing is driving the voices mad. I forgot to take my medication this morning. I was excited in seeing a close friend and just forgot. The price you pay for sanity is a little pink pill. The voices have created this delusion that if I cut my leg open, I will be free from pain. I cannot help but see their point in this line of thinking. I have done everything to try and sooth my pain but cut. Maybe the release of endorphins is what I need to get over the pain but part of me knows I will not feel the release because my leg is numb. The last time I tried cutting which was a few years ago it was a god awful sound of cardbord being cut that I never want to experience again. Who would have thought that being numb had its vantage points. But that is what nerve damage does to you. It numbs you, making you jaded of the things around you. And then when the psychosis starts you begin to wonder what is truth and what is fantasy. I’m in a difficult spot because although I want to cut, I know the consequences of doing so. The chance of infection is greater because of lack of feeling or that I will feel the pain, just not right away like when I stub my toe on my left foot. Funny I remember when I was a kid I thought my left side was the “evil” side of me and had to be removed because my right side was the “superior” one and would defeat all. Yes I was psychotic back then but I always kept it hidden.
See no one wants to know that you are crazy, like really mentally ill and depressed. They say things like cheer up or things could be worse. How can things be worse if you are already thinking of ending your life and you are hearing voices cheering you on, almost daring you to go through with it every day??? Yes, things could be worse. Life as a vegetable or state commitment to a psych hospital would be a  terrible consequence of telling someone that they are NOT telling someone they are hurting. Every time I hear people tell a depressed person to cheer up it makes me so angry because they are so ignorant. I want to shout at that for being dumbasses because it only created guilt in the depressed person that is just trying to survive the day without incident.
But throw in being psychotic and depressed, you have a different ballgame. Voices are constantly criticizing everything you do. You don’t tell anyone because I’ve learned that only the voices care. The voices are with you 24/7 and they know you better than the person that is saying cheer up. That person then becomes the enemy, the object of paranoia where the voices scream that he or she is going to kill you. To beware of what he or she is saying and doing because now they are after you and are going to kill you. This is what I deal with on a constant basis.
So the next time a friend tells you they are down, don’t tell them to cheer up. Find out what is making them sad because if it is psychosis, you might end up being the bad guy…

3 Comments

  1. I am sorry to keep commenting! Your experience is really resonating with me and I wish we could sit over coffee and talk and talk about all of this! You are so right that this is such an individualized experience! I hate when people tell me to cheer up, get over it, look on the bright side, it gets better, mind over matter…shall I go on? It sounds like you have heard it all too. Yet, I tell myself these same things every day. It is what gets me through. Because honestly, if I didn’t, I would lose all hope. I don’t just do this for my depression. I do this for the fall of society as a whole. I simply can not allow the bad thoughts to take over my mind. It really does amaze me that we “get” each other – I really understand what you are saying. Yet, at the same time I use the very things we hate to sooth myself and get by. Admittedly it doesn’t always work. I have bad days where no amount of self-affirmation matters. My mood is glum. My outlook is bleak. Your writing is so in tune to the real suffering people face! I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog!

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  2. nice information, many thanks to the author. it is incomprehensible to me now, but in general, the usefulness and significance is overwhelming. thanks again and good luck!

    Like

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