Migraine because bright days suck

Migraine because bright days suck

Lately, I have been really photosensitive. I don’t know if it is because of the pain or that my migraine activity has been ramped up due to the pressure and weather changes we have been having the past couple of weeks. I reluctantly got up, took my meds, and then had to make something to eat because I was starving. I must have sat in the bright kitchen maybe twenty minutes when my head started to hurt. Then the noise from the TV in the living room was like a hammer to my head. I couldn’t stand to look out of the windows in the French doors. I took some ibuprofen and then retreated to my room.

I want to make the chili cornbread my barber likes. I forgot to take out the frozen corn so need to let it thaw a bit. I can’t stand being in the brightly lit kitchen anyways. I took my migraine meds and I am hoping that settles down the brain squishing in my head. I don’t know what I am going to do when it goes away and I have to be in the kitchen. Maybe I will wait till the sun goes down to make it. My mother won’t eat it so it will only be for me. I won’t eat the whole thing (I never do, which is why I give it away). I will be making a little thing for myself so I don’t have to take a slice. It is better this way as the cornbread mix is kind of too much for the pan and overflows while baking it. Last time I held some aside in its own dish it was perfect.

Facebook seems to be down right now. I don’t know when it will be back up. I had a funny story with my mother I wanted to post. I probably will later. I try to post these conversations so they give me a laugh later.

Alan Alda posted a thing on Twitter about his podcast. At the end of each podcast, he asks seven questions. He wanted his followers to answer them and possibly be picked for his show. I was stumped on two of the questions. One was “what do you wish people understood about you” and the other was “what is the strangest question anyone has asked you”. I had to really think about it and the strangest question was how did I know I was male? The other was probably to have people realize that there are relapses in dealing with my mental illness. People seem to think that when you are down and then come back up, you are okay from now on and that really isn’t always the case. Like my suicidality may go away for a bit when my depression lessens or I am really looking forward to something important. Eventually though, it comes back and festers. I am sort of lucky I haven’t made an attempt in a long time but I plan a lot of ways I should die. I sometimes will be okay for a few days when my pain is less (if that was the trigger that caused it).

Thank god. My computer restarted for windows update before I saved this document. I would have been pissed if it was lost. I just finished with making the chili cornbread casserole. It was really good. Unfortunately, I had only half of what I made for myself because I had chips waiting for it to be done. Oven took more than hour to cook. I had the infrared gun show it was 350 degrees (supposed to be 380). About forty-five minutes later, the temp dropped to 260. My mother is being so fucking picky over the colors of the stove. We have a white top and black oven. No one sells this anymore. It is all one color so doesn’t want it. I am ready to just take her card and order one and just be like too bad, you waited too long! Fuck. Been at least three months since she knew we needed another one. I am so hesitant to use it anymore because I can’t spend all day waiting for things to bake or cook. My fricken foot and ankle right now is a 10. I have no idea if the foot will swell or not. It still is swollen from Monday night. Stupid pressure went up so I hope it levels off, but I doubt it. Temps are going up tomorrow so I am going to take it easy the rest of the night. I need to go to the FedEx place to pick up my package. I will go to the Starbucks there, too. Because I had to finagle the bagel, I didn’t put too much funds on my Starbucks card. I am not going there regularly anyways.

My barber is working tomorrow but doesn’t know when he will be in the shop as he has something to do in the morning. I will be taking his food Friday, which is just as well as I finally got an appointment with my psychiatrist. It is late afternoon, which I don’t like but will take it as I need to see her. It probably is better that way as I have been having the hardest time getting up before noon.

L Shaped Pain and Cooking

L shaped pain and cooking

I had a really hard time sleeping last night, again. I finally was able to sleep around 5 am. Nothing was working and then I got the pain from hell in my foot. It felt like it wanted to contract but couldn’t so it just hurt. Then it got ice cold, then burning hot. I was taking it in and out of the covers because the sheets were bothering it. I was getting so fucking annoyed. I also got really suicidal and starting planning. I also wrote my will and a few notes. I just got to put them in envelopes. I really have had enough. I don’t know if I will go through with it, but I have a few weeks before I really decide.

I woke up around 1230 because my bladder was going to explode. I really didn’t want to go downstairs because my sisters had called a “family” meeting. I had told them not to wake me as I just basically been up since Thursday 1 pm with only 4 hours sleep at that point. I listened before going downstairs and there was nothing so I used the bathroom. Then when I came back to my room, I had to go again for number 2. UGH, don’t know why my body can’t empty in one go. I got hungry so just made a sandwich and then the hunger just got worse. I had a bowl of cereal. I wanted to make the Kielbasa I bought. My niece gave me a recipe she uses but it uses apricot preserves, bourbon, and a slow cooker. I didn’t have that. So I got another recipe with just three ingredients and used that. It came out really good, even though I sort of burned the sausage. The glaze was really thick and I don’t think I will be able to eat the left overs as I fear it is just going to become rock solid in the fridge.

While I was waiting for the Neurontin to work last night, I decided to read this book my friend’s husband wrote. OMG this is book is so good! It is sci-fi and I really am into it. I couldn’t believe that I read two chapters in just under an hour, which kind of sucked because I thought it was going to help me sleep, not wake me up with questions of what is going to happen next. I am already trying to figure out what is going to happen next. The book is by Ted Boone and is called Langford’s Leap. He is a new author. I don’t think he hired an editor and just did it himself. People have been telling him there have been errors along the way, including me. So I know what that is like. He read my book Darkness. He liked it but fortunately doesn’t suffer from mental illness so couldn’t relate (said so in the review, the first!) I was happy to have an honest review (also glad he didn’t mention any errors, if there were any. I just re did the book).

I am drifting off so I don’t care it is 6 pm. Going to take my night meds and hope they knock me out rather than keep me up. I had switched a lot of my night meds to morning and I still haven’t been able to solve the sleep enigma.

no game tonight so I can sleep early

No game tonight so I can sleep early

Last night I was so dead, I think I saw the Dodgers take a 2-1 lead and then I passed out. Until 2 am. I had to pee. I did and then I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the score. We won 4-2. Price I am not sure got the win or not. I wasn’t really reading tweets but he pitched good. And then the bullpen was outstanding. I love Joe Kelly. I am going to shower either tonight or tomorrow and I am going to wear his fight club tee. I know I probably shouldn’t but I stink so I am not going to stay in the clothes I am in. I stayed in last series not showering for a week. I am not going to do the same this series.

My groceries were supposed to come early. The driver got stuck in traffic so they were delivered an hour after they were supposed to. I put everything away but I didn’t put the Powerade bottles in reusable bags like I usually do. I wanted a nap. I figured sleeping to 1315 was enough time to shower. I fell asleep and I didn’t want to get up. I shut off the alarm and got up 45 minutes later. The bus would be coming soon, so I thought. The bus was twenty minutes late, which meant I was late for my appointment. I told the PT about the NP. She was taking it in stride until I told her she wasn’t an MD but a NP. Then she said Oh and shook her head. She said I might have plantar fasciitis now as my whole damn foot is swollen up. Great. But using heat last night caused some release and this morning for the first time in three weeks didn’t hurt when I stood up. I thought it was a good sign until I started getting dressed and stuff. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was hurting. UGH so much for progress. It was our last meeting with her. I didn’t want to end with her but she had to discharge me so I could start the pain program next week. I am weary about starting it. The OT I am okay with, but the PT part of it, not so much. I just am afraid because I don’t want my life to become hell with flares every night that brings me to suicidal states. I didn’t tell her this. I have no idea why I kept my suicidal self quiet with her as I’ve really gotten close to her with my mental illness and stuff. I just felt like it was on the know basis and she didn’t really need to know about it. I also am not sure how healthcare professionals that aren’t doctors or nurses deal with suicide so I didn’t want to find out. If I have to disclose it to the new PT I see next week, then I will because I really don’t want to go back to my weekly suicidal planning sessions because of pain. Fuck I was supposed to kill myself the end of July and I am still here. I don’t want to be but I am kind of stuck with it because I don’t have another plan to go to. I know there are always pills but pills don’t always work. If they did, I wouldn’t be here at all.

I bought ingredients for at least 3 recipes. I am going to pace myself as each recipe takes a while and nearly does me in. I am going to do my wings tomorrow, if I am up before 1300 as these babies take 3 hours to make, 4 if I push it. But they are so worth it. I just need a dump bucket as I forgot to buy one when I was at the grocery store yesterday. I really just wanted to get something to eat, some wings and go the fuck home. Both feet were killing me, making walking so damn difficult. I have no clue how I walked from my therapist’s office to the station I was hurting so bad. I felt better after therapy. He is not going to be in next Wed. Then I want to make these Dark chocolate beet brownies. My friend made them and she said they came out good so we’ll see. I will be using canned beets as I have no idea how to make beets any other way. Then it will be some kind of pumpkin cheese cake thing. I have to print out both recipes. I am halving the pumpkin recipe as it called for 4 blocks of cream cheese. That seemed like an awful lot and I know no one but me and my barbers are going to be eating these. No one else in my family likes pumpkin, which is a shame.

When I got home, the dreaded benefits package from my former employer was in the mailbox. They will be having a totally new but “same” medical insurance plan. They did not give the cost of this plan with the material they sent. I have no idea if my therapist takes it. If I just have Medicare, I will be responsible for 20% of the bill. That is going to add up after a while. If I did my calculations right, it will be $38 per session, if he doesn’t take my medical insurance to cover. I won’t be able to see him weekly much less twice a week. There is no way I can afford it. I will have to see what he says. My docs at the conglomerate Partners will be okay. Some visits will only be $10 and specialists will be $15. Everything else is covered in full if they are in network. Out of network and it is like 70% covered with a high deductible. I have no idea what is out of network. I think my therapist would be out of network as he is not a Partners provider. Guess the trouble of using just one insurance just got easier, I think. I am still on the fence of whether or not what insurance to use for what provider. For my Partners one, I will use their plan and therapist, the Medicare. It will be cheaper in the end though I won’t be able to have as many visits as I would like a month. I might be able to afford two a month. Guess that is better than nothing. I don’t have to worry about my psychiatrist as she is Partners. I am so glad the repro endo doc I am seeing took on the transition piece of things. Now everyone is under the same umbrella so to speak and I don’t have to pay so much in copays. I just got to figure out if I continue with Medicare or not through Partners. I get Medicare through SSD and is taken out of out my check. I just hope this isn’t going to be a jump through hoops thing. Way it is now is things go through Medicare and the rest my insurance picks up. If my therapist doesn’t take the insurance and the copay is going to be more than the 20% of Medicare, I will just have him bill Medicare and pay the 20% and then tell Partners that the new insurance is my sole insurance, not to bill Medicare anymore. This will be in January so I have some time. I just want to know how much this is going to cost me monthly. Right now I pay $198/month for BCBS and dental/vision. I just hope it isn’t more than what I am paying now. All these expenses have me worried.

I am going to bed hopefully before midnight tonight. Game is not on as it is a day off. They are in California right now for the next three games, which start tomorrow night. I can finally have a night to relax a bit before bed. These games have just been setting me on edge.

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

I think I am the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going…

I had set my med and wake alarm at the same time. One woke me up. I got a few hours sleep as my pain was keeping me up. My mood was too as I had hit the suicidal lows. I know I was ecstatic about the book but like anything good that happens, it doesn’t seem to last long and my mood drops severely.

My groceries came a little after 0930, which gave me plenty of time to go to the Square to get the beef I needed for chili cornbread casserole and Starbucks which I was craving severely by this point. I figure I would take the new journal and break it in with stuff I always keep in the beginning of the book. I had breakfast as I had my yummy espresso. I cut it down to four shots, mostly to be saving money. I will get more if I have a crummy night sleep and then need to be somewhere.

After I finished eating, I tried to write but I grabbed the pen I accidently washed. It was self-contained and I am glad it was because it exploded. I got ink all over my hand. Nice. I packed up and went to the butcher shop. I looked over the ground beef selection and fish. Fish was ridiculously priced. It was like $10/lb and most of the packages were not even close to a pound. I went to the register and then went to the bus stop, almost forgetting my espresso.

I had to go to Walgreens for my mother. I also had some coupons that were going to expire so I did a little shopping. I got stuff for my mother and I. I had no idea what I bought was going to be so fricken heavy. I mean I got a 4lb bag of sugar and it felt like a ton. I guess between my two journals and the sugar, I was carrying a lot. I also got some other stuff but nothing really heavy. I guess I was tired with the heat and carrying stuff just was not in the works. I had to take breaks so it was a long walk home.

I had forgot to take out the corn for the casserole so I had to wait a bit before cooking. I rested a bit and showed what I bought to my mother. I put it away. She was happy I got the stuff off. I told her I couldn’t get the Dawn dish detergent because they didn’t have a scent I liked as the blue was out of stock. She said why and I said because I don’t want to smell apples while washing dishes.

I got tired of waiting and started cooking the onions and then the beef. When the beef was close to done, I put the oven on. While the beef was going through the last few minutes of cooking, I got the cornbread mix ready. I had bought some milk because my mother had very little left. I guess that was also heavy in addition to the sugar I was carrying. It was only a half-gallon. I wanted a quart but they didn’t have them, just half and gallon. Oh well. When the beef was done, I mixed the other ingredients in and then put the milk in the bowl with the cornbread mix. I put the beef mixture in the Pyrex dish and then poured the cornbread mix. I didn’t spread it evenly. I had the oven on 400 degrees. It took forever to cook and brown. Last time I made it, I didn’t cook it long enough so parts of it was not cooked. There was no egg in it so it is okay to eat. I didn’t want to put the whole two boxes in but I did. Next time I won’t put all of it (like I said last time (shrugs)).

While the casserole was cooking, I made lemon pudding for the pie I wanted to make. I put the pudding in the graham crust and…I didn’t have enough pudding because the crust was bigger than I thought it would be. Crud. I put the cool whip on it anyway. It is still in the fridge. I’ll have some later. I was fricken hot. I wanted my bed and the AC. The cornbread was taking forever so I did the dishes. I then waited some more. My battery on my phone was draining. I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Come On, Come On album as today is the 26th anniversary of its release. I love the album. I was singing along. I don’t think there is a song I dislike on it. I have listened to it so many times that even if there was, it probably grew on me.

My doc changed the time we were supposed to meet. Now I am seeing her Friday instead of tomorrow. I am glad because the bus I take home is being rerouted due to a 4th of July thing. I went upstairs to cool off as the casserole was done and it needed to “rest”. I was conflicted as to whether I would have a slice or have a leftover burger. I had a burger and then went upstairs. I am so damn tired and wanted a nap. I tried to take one but my foot cramped up. I took some magnesium rather than an Ativan. I have not been drinking fluids today, which is probably why I cramped. I have been trying to drink water or Powerade but I haven’t been that thirsty.

I am now listening to the Sox hammer the Angels. They have a 6-0 lead right now. Hope Porcello doesn’t cough it up.