no game tonight so I can sleep early

No game tonight so I can sleep early

Last night I was so dead, I think I saw the Dodgers take a 2-1 lead and then I passed out. Until 2 am. I had to pee. I did and then I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the score. We won 4-2. Price I am not sure got the win or not. I wasn’t really reading tweets but he pitched good. And then the bullpen was outstanding. I love Joe Kelly. I am going to shower either tonight or tomorrow and I am going to wear his fight club tee. I know I probably shouldn’t but I stink so I am not going to stay in the clothes I am in. I stayed in last series not showering for a week. I am not going to do the same this series.

My groceries were supposed to come early. The driver got stuck in traffic so they were delivered an hour after they were supposed to. I put everything away but I didn’t put the Powerade bottles in reusable bags like I usually do. I wanted a nap. I figured sleeping to 1315 was enough time to shower. I fell asleep and I didn’t want to get up. I shut off the alarm and got up 45 minutes later. The bus would be coming soon, so I thought. The bus was twenty minutes late, which meant I was late for my appointment. I told the PT about the NP. She was taking it in stride until I told her she wasn’t an MD but a NP. Then she said Oh and shook her head. She said I might have plantar fasciitis now as my whole damn foot is swollen up. Great. But using heat last night caused some release and this morning for the first time in three weeks didn’t hurt when I stood up. I thought it was a good sign until I started getting dressed and stuff. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was hurting. UGH so much for progress. It was our last meeting with her. I didn’t want to end with her but she had to discharge me so I could start the pain program next week. I am weary about starting it. The OT I am okay with, but the PT part of it, not so much. I just am afraid because I don’t want my life to become hell with flares every night that brings me to suicidal states. I didn’t tell her this. I have no idea why I kept my suicidal self quiet with her as I’ve really gotten close to her with my mental illness and stuff. I just felt like it was on the know basis and she didn’t really need to know about it. I also am not sure how healthcare professionals that aren’t doctors or nurses deal with suicide so I didn’t want to find out. If I have to disclose it to the new PT I see next week, then I will because I really don’t want to go back to my weekly suicidal planning sessions because of pain. Fuck I was supposed to kill myself the end of July and I am still here. I don’t want to be but I am kind of stuck with it because I don’t have another plan to go to. I know there are always pills but pills don’t always work. If they did, I wouldn’t be here at all.

I bought ingredients for at least 3 recipes. I am going to pace myself as each recipe takes a while and nearly does me in. I am going to do my wings tomorrow, if I am up before 1300 as these babies take 3 hours to make, 4 if I push it. But they are so worth it. I just need a dump bucket as I forgot to buy one when I was at the grocery store yesterday. I really just wanted to get something to eat, some wings and go the fuck home. Both feet were killing me, making walking so damn difficult. I have no clue how I walked from my therapist’s office to the station I was hurting so bad. I felt better after therapy. He is not going to be in next Wed. Then I want to make these Dark chocolate beet brownies. My friend made them and she said they came out good so we’ll see. I will be using canned beets as I have no idea how to make beets any other way. Then it will be some kind of pumpkin cheese cake thing. I have to print out both recipes. I am halving the pumpkin recipe as it called for 4 blocks of cream cheese. That seemed like an awful lot and I know no one but me and my barbers are going to be eating these. No one else in my family likes pumpkin, which is a shame.

When I got home, the dreaded benefits package from my former employer was in the mailbox. They will be having a totally new but “same” medical insurance plan. They did not give the cost of this plan with the material they sent. I have no idea if my therapist takes it. If I just have Medicare, I will be responsible for 20% of the bill. That is going to add up after a while. If I did my calculations right, it will be $38 per session, if he doesn’t take my medical insurance to cover. I won’t be able to see him weekly much less twice a week. There is no way I can afford it. I will have to see what he says. My docs at the conglomerate Partners will be okay. Some visits will only be $10 and specialists will be $15. Everything else is covered in full if they are in network. Out of network and it is like 70% covered with a high deductible. I have no idea what is out of network. I think my therapist would be out of network as he is not a Partners provider. Guess the trouble of using just one insurance just got easier, I think. I am still on the fence of whether or not what insurance to use for what provider. For my Partners one, I will use their plan and therapist, the Medicare. It will be cheaper in the end though I won’t be able to have as many visits as I would like a month. I might be able to afford two a month. Guess that is better than nothing. I don’t have to worry about my psychiatrist as she is Partners. I am so glad the repro endo doc I am seeing took on the transition piece of things. Now everyone is under the same umbrella so to speak and I don’t have to pay so much in copays. I just got to figure out if I continue with Medicare or not through Partners. I get Medicare through SSD and is taken out of out my check. I just hope this isn’t going to be a jump through hoops thing. Way it is now is things go through Medicare and the rest my insurance picks up. If my therapist doesn’t take the insurance and the copay is going to be more than the 20% of Medicare, I will just have him bill Medicare and pay the 20% and then tell Partners that the new insurance is my sole insurance, not to bill Medicare anymore. This will be in January so I have some time. I just want to know how much this is going to cost me monthly. Right now I pay $198/month for BCBS and dental/vision. I just hope it isn’t more than what I am paying now. All these expenses have me worried.

I am going to bed hopefully before midnight tonight. Game is not on as it is a day off. They are in California right now for the next three games, which start tomorrow night. I can finally have a night to relax a bit before bed. These games have just been setting me on edge.

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