bad night of sleeping

Bad night of sleeping

Last night I could not sleep at all. I didn’t go to sleep till around 7 am. It was too hot and I was trying to get it to be cold but every time I laid down, my brain was racing with a million thoughts or thought about things in the past. I tried to calm down but nothing was working until I turned on the whisperer machine and took a bunch of Neurontin. I then used my shoulder as my pillow while I slept and must have cut off a nerve as my arm was very painful when I woke up. The pain in my shoulder went from front through the back, though if you pressed on the back it sent shockwaves down my arm. I didn’t have use of my right hand for a bit. Now things are slowly getting back to normal. I shaved my head and washed my face. I should have taken my shirt off but I didn’t so it got all wet. I had to change.

Friday I gave my barber the post cards for my books. It was slow so we chatted for a bit. He is really a great guy. I told him I was keeping my sides shaved and he said he knew. I said I fucked up the back and he said it will grow out in two weeks. I said three days and laughed. He did too. The T is making my hair grow faster though the facial hair is still slow to come in.

I might make cookies today if my arm goes back to 100%. I really feel for the people that don’t have use of their arms. It is terrible. Just trying to make a cup of iced coffee was a bitch. I didn’t know how to sit because pain was going down my arm into my numb fingers. Man I hope that doesn’t happen again. I looked at my pillow when I came back to my room and it was smooshed against the headboard. No wonder I had slept on my shoulder, no pillow! I think I need to dust off the body pillow and use that again. I slept really well with it but it takes up so much bed space and really splits the bed in half.

Things are ok between my mother and I, for now. I really want a cat and she said no so i am really sad. She still doesn’t think i am a guy so purposely uses she pronouns and then says well been calling you that for 40 years bullshit. She doesn’t try. Over Christmas after I corrected my brother in law’s mother on what my name is, my mother told her this. I was feeling lousy and didn’t have a voice so just ignored it, not wanting to ruin things. It really upsets me that I don’t have a supportive mother. I see things on FB all the time about your mom always having your back and being a friend, etc. I hate the woman. She has never accepted me because I am not what she imagines I am or should be. Very tough to live with her but i don’t have $$ to move out so. We each respect our own space. Because I have not been sleeping well, we have different eating schedules so we don’t have meals together anymore. I think that bothers her but I usually eat in the late afternoon and then she eats two hours or so later. I am not hungry then. Then I just make whatever if she doesn’t cook anything.

I have my shot this week. Still no major changes though I have notice my voice is changing however slowly. No one is noticing though!! My face shape is more linear than when I first started. It looks like I have lost weight. I have lost 10 pounds but not sure if I lost more. I have been living on protein bars the last 24 hours. I want to make an egg and toast but with my arm being funny, I will wait. Nothing fancy just sunny side up. Really easy but I need use of both my arms. I think in an hour I will be okay, I hope. Or I might have my mother make it for me telling her not to put any salt or pepper on it. She uses too much to my liking!

As I am up, I am going to try and stay up but cookie making is out. I want to try and read my book on being a white racist. The book is called White Fragility. It really challenges your thinking. I was hoping to read at least two chapters but in the middle of the first chapter I read, holy hell. I never knew how much I was following the culture and being a racist without knowing it! Sure I have white privilege. I wish I could change that. I just got to be aware of how I am around people and what I say. This book is really helping to open my eyes. I wrote some quotes on my social media (Twitter (@midnightdemon2) and Facebook), if you want to check them out. You might have to scroll a bit as I was complaining about not sleeping. I use Twitter as my complaining board because I have no one else to talk to. I sometimes get a response, sometimes I don’t. But then it is in the middle of the night so people are sleeping while I am awake!

My lunatic aunt gave me a Christmas gift. My mother wants me to call her. I prefer to send her a thank you note to avoid speaking to her. It was a Starbucks cup with some coffee and something else. It was thoughtful. She knows I like Starbucks. I don’t like the coffee in the package thing but that is alright. It was the thought that counts, right?

any thoughts?

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