Weird few days

Weird few days

Met with my psych today. I told her I think I’ve been hypomanic as I’ve been spending like crazy and have become really impulsive. I crash at night per usual or the next day. It would explain why my sleep cycle has been so off the past 2 weeks since lowering my dose of trileptal. So I am going to take another mood stabilizer, lamictal, and hope it does something. I have been having more flare ups which I feared might happen as before my 2nd CES, I was only on the trileptal. I was barely taking pain meds and nerve pain was controlled so I didn’t need gaba..that all went to hell when ces hit me again and my ankle became CRPS. But since the pain med change I was fine. Now that I have had to lower the trileptal. Omg holy hell. Flares hurt more. Like 7 days. They are getting harder to control. I am having to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. I know it will bite me in the ass but until the mood thing straightens out, I don’t think anything else will be helpful. I didn’t want to play too much with Gaba during the day because I could literally walk into walls or worse fall down stairs. I have to be careful at night with dosing and how much I drink because if I have to pee, well I am dozy. I’ve also become suicidal again. I haven’t told my therapist yet. But my psych gets it. I was in a bad flare and if I could move, I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, I am not planning again during times I am not in pain so that is good, least for now.

My insurance for mental health benefits suck. My therapist says it is the worst ones out there and he will be leaving the provider network sometime this year. So it will just be Medicare I will be billed. I had this whole idea just to use this insurance but now doesn’t look like it.

I am fucked because like I said I spent money I shouldn’t have. I have some cash but had to mail some stuff out so that has dwindled. I don’t know what the cost is going to be for lamictal or pain meds yet. It will be Monday. And I hope the starter pack is covered. I just have to watch out for rash. Great. I think I was on it before but the doctor was increasing it monthly and wanted me up to 300 mg. After 2 months I said fuck it. It would take 6 months to get up to 300 and I was on at 75 mg at 2 months. It didn’t help my pain at all, but then dose was so low. The most expensive meds are my psych meds. Monday I find out what my pain med is going to cost. Pharmacy can’t run it through until processing it. So dumb.

I see my pcp this month. I got to ask him what to do about this heel pain. I don’t know if it is plantar fasciitis or not. The stretches haven’t been helpful but I am going to try them using a belt. It is really inflamed and when I was using a gel insert I felt my foot turn causing the side where I have torn tendons to hurt. Needless to say, I am hurting. I came home and my mother was in the living room. We were talking and I turned around, nearly lost my balance. So now I am using the walker until things calm down. I am in my room and going to blog soon. Was supposed to go to my niece’s party but I can’t do stairs. Plus I don’t want to be around anyone as I am really irritable with the pain and hypomania. I don’t want a fight. Almost happened NYE as my know it all cousin tries telling me diabetes doesn’t run in our family. Her uncle and my mother, her aunt have it, my other uncle was diagnosed, though I think he has type 2 not 1 that my mother has and a lot of cousins with it. But it doesn’t run in our family. I had to walk away. She is so dumb and believes “drugs” causes schizophrenia as well as the naval service. So infuriates me. I feel bad for her brothers as one does have schizophrenia and the other bipolar disorder. No support at all. I’ve decided after NYE, I am done with them. The whole time I was surrounded by my cousins, I felt like an outsider. It was so toxic to be around them so washing my hands of them. My sister wants the nuts at her house, fine. I won’t attend. I don’t care. I had the worse flare NYE after cooking and partying. I was in agony because my foot was so swollen (also manic but whatever). I couldn’t move my big toe. It was so big. Just not worth the aggravation.

So that is what is going on. Hopefully I don’t have to change therapists because I don’t know if I can afford him once he is off the insurance. 20% is a lot when you are broke. I just have to uninstall Amazon lol fucking thing makes buying shit so easy. Lol

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