Feeling grief over instability and the unknown
It has been 12 years since I was on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. It has been one of the best drugs that I had been on. I was no longer having a roller coaster of emotions. It helped my psychache, to a degree. It helped the deep dark depressions that I had. Now I need to be switching to a new medication and face the unknown as to whether or not it will work for me. The Trileptal also helped with nerve pain. I don’t know if this new mood stabilizer will do that, too. I feel sad that this drug will be gone once I reach a dose my psychiatrist feels comfortable with. This all happened because my blood sodium levels dropped and I felt like shit. I was sleeping all the time. I couldn’t do things without having to take a nap afterwards. It was awful. I am used to feeling tired after doing something because chronic pain takes a lot out of you. You need recovery time after doctors appointments or doing the laundry or hanging out with friends or even just doing self-care like brushing your teeth and showering.
I am feeling sad that I am no longer on this medication. I am scared of what the new medication might bring. What side effects will I have? My psych said there is a risk of developing a rash like Tegretol. That was horrible! But that is the reason we start slow with this drug so it doesn’t happen. I hope it doesn’t happen because I don’t like hives. I am allergic to two medications for rash, both were tried for mood stability. I am already slightly hypomanic. I am trying my best not to spend my last few dollars to pay for my meds tomorrow. I kind of got into a spending mood when I got paid, which is kind of unusual for me as I just pay my bills and then might buy one or two things that are necessities. This time I was buying refills for pens and other stuff that I don’t even know what I bought. I bought my revised book so I could have copies of them. I still don’t now what to do with the other copies that are the 1st edition. I tried entering an author’s blurb again and could not fucking do it. GRRRR. I should have changed the layout but the hell with it. It is published and that is all that matters.
I shaved my head this morning and then showered. I used my Neutrogena shower gel that has a nice scent to it. I didn’t feel like using soap. But I think lifting my arm to wash aggravated the nerve I annoyed this morning so it is hurting me again. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. I might sleep on my left side tonight and hope my leg doesn’t wake me up. Sometimes when I sleep on that side, the pressure of my other leg on top of it hurts it and I wake up in pain. So I sleep primarily on my right side. If I am still in pain tomorrow, I will dust off the body pillow and use it to annoy me. HAHA no, I’m kidding. I will have a better sleep with it despite it taking up the bed. Oh well. I am going to sleep now, or trying to!